Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[Jimbo]

H, broke that contract and covenant with me. So I ask myself, is upholding my end of that contract even possible anymore or is it just opening myself up for abuse?

H didn't just run away, he's staying away, by HIS choice.

I love him, but isn't part of loving also knowing when to let go?

Hello SC,

I can really identify with this. It's a hard question to ponder. My (now) XW had an EA (possibly PA) with OM (who I found out about much later), moved into an apartment under false pretenses (She "never really lived alone" and "wanted to see what it was like".), waited the minimum 1 year to D me, and has never looked back. We had no kids, so there was no contact after the fact, because there was no need. She told me, more or less, to stay away.

W ran away, and stayed away. By her choice too.

W broke that contract and covenant with me. So I also had to ask myself that very same question- Is upholding my end of that contract even possible anymore or is it just opening myself up for abuse?

Despite her actions, despite that the state now considers us D, despite the fact that I hear nothing from her and next-to-nothing about her.......

I still stand.

"What??? How can you say you're 'standing'??? Your M is over! There's nothing to stand FOR!!!", I hear some say.

Not true.

It took a long time. A long time and lots and lots of effort on my part to educate myself on MLC. The resources like the MLC for Dummies were a great start. But the added value in this journey was the talking to those on BOTH sides of the fence- both the LBSs AND the MLCers. (You may have to dig deep, but they are out there.) You have made a good start. Continue.

Once I had gotten a hold of exactly what an MLC is (or as much as anyone who hasn't been through one themselves can), I realized that I had learned too much about what she is going through to not stand. I couldn't "just drop her".

I stand because she is on a journey. You have read the resources and talk to some of the people on this forum, so you already know this. It's not something that you can put a timetable on, and, of course, there are no guarantees.

I stand because I know, deep within my heart, that the woman I M is still in there, somewhere. She is trying everything she can to get to where she needs to be, and needs to build all of her resources from scratch, because the old ones didn't work anymore. It's a trial and error process, and they're going to make errors. BIG ones. And a lot of them. Over and over.

I stand because I recognize that, through all of this, there is nothing that she can "do" that will ever make me stop loving who she is at the very deepest level.

And, for me, that is at least part of the secret of making your way through all of this. You can't let yourself take personally what the MLCer says to you. Most of it is externalized self anger anyway. (Usually when they pick at your faults and shortcomings, it's how they see themselves- you're just the proxy substitute.)

Is upholding your end of that contract even possible anymore? That is for you to decide. But make sure it is an educated decision. Get all the facts, as much as you can, about what your H is going through. Allow yourself to process your emotions- don't bottle them up, and NEVER express them to H. You have quite a bit on your plate already with your five year program, so be sure to cut yourself some slack.

Is it just opening yourself up for abuse? That depends. Are you able to take that education in MLC and use it as a stepping stone to feeling a compassion for what your H is really going through, instead of taking his actions and words personally? Are you going to take his outbursts and behavior as a reflection on YOU as a person, or are you going to accept that they are the uncontrollable lashings out of a tortured soul trying to be at peace with itself? If, as you say, you truly DO understand that he was driven to this, then it would seem that your answer is self evident.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a sprint- it is most definitely a marathon, and one that is untimed and on an course of undetermined length. There are no quick and easy answers, no "magic pills", no silver bullets, and no guarantees....save one.

You WILL come out on the other side a better person in so many ways. At this point in your journey, you can not even begin to fathom how much of an opportunity this is (You read right- opportunity). Yes, there is pain, and a lot of hard work, but the rewards are immeasurable.....if you stick with it. You have friends here who will help you along the way.

You love him, but ask if part of loving isn't also knowing when to let go?

Yes.

But the other part is knowing the WAY to let go.

Don't discount......instead, detach.

You can't save him from himself, and frankly, it's not your job. And it's a job only HE can do. And it HAS to be on his schedule.

Let him figure things out for himself. Actually, you have no choice in the matter in this regard.