No one here could fault you for feeling that way , because we have all felt that way at one time or another. Then we realize that, no matter what, life goes on every day. Whether we are happy, or sad, hurting, or happy. That is the reality of what we are facing. Slowly, the pieces to this start making sense , and we start to realize that we have choices in our lives too. We can choose to be happy, or we can choose to hurt.
Yes I understand that concept. Applying it is a learning process I'm in the middle of. to conciously put a halt to thoughts and try to turn it around into something positive or a least something that doesn't cause distress is difficult for me and probably most people that were raised with and have a negative mindset.
We decide that our MLCer's reality is not what reality is. What they have done is, more to the fact of what you describe above. They have run, they have gone underground. Essentially...they have burned it all.
The more you learn about MLC, the more you will see that it was not so much of a choice for them as something inside them has snapped, and they simply cannot face real , everyday, reality. Oh I understand he was literally DRIVEN to do what he did. It was not a fully concious decision. It was fight or flight at its most basic. For him it was simply survival.
Which one of you....
You ?
Scyalla?
Charibdis ?
Me of course. Scylla_Charibdis = between a rock and a hard place. Neither is an alternate personality. Both are painful to be squeezed between.
How can one know what truly makes them happy, if they don't know who they are ?I am in the process of finding who the "core" me is. So far, I like her.
I don't agree with this...
As people, we continue to grow and change almost daily. Without it, we would all have no relationship problems whatsoever. We would essentially be the same person that did not go through the life trials we all have faced over the years. Agreed. We do change, we do adapt. However after reading the threads, from my perspective, it appears that dealing with the MLC'er literally requires the one hanging on to hope, to become someone other than one is, transforming even one's core personality, not just how one behaves or chooses to react to certain stimuli.
It is the acceptance , and love of your partner, that allows that change, and welcomes it. As Grit stated.....your vows. My H is a decent human being, he has this wonderful spark within him, the essential "him" that I love and continue to love. I do not love what he has done,and is doing. I don't know if I should just let him go, and try to forget.
What you describe is that you sold yourself within the relationship. Perhaps I have. I'm not certain. What I expected was a full partner, someone that would offer to me the same thing I offered to them: Loyalty, Protection ( save haven), Affection, Partnership, Care-giving, Support ( not just financial),Companionship, Freedom within the relationship,Communication that's open and honest, and Respect.
What I also see is that there were expectations of what a "normal" relationship should look like. Yes there were, my parents have been married for 50 years. I fully expected H to be willing to work on our marriage and stick by me and our kids, even if it got difficult, even if there was some pain and sadness.
That there were expectations of very defined roles within that. Very little room for movement within those parameters. That is the suppression of what you stated above...that room for growth and change. As I stated earlier, growth and change is a given. Stagnation is not healthy, yet to expect to change one's core personality and not just behaviour and reactions...no.
[quote=Scylla_Charibdis] Many of my friends and family feel I have done all I can and there is no more left to do. Some have flat out told me in their opinion he stabbed me in the back and twisted the knife too.
Your friends and family don't live your life, or see the demons in your closet....
That is why it is best to not involve them with the details of things. People who are truly genuine in your life,will ask what you need, not tell you what you should do...
Yes, and that's why I've ceased talking about this with some of them, they are non supportive. But yes, I feel backstabbed and betrayed, better believe it.
Originally Posted By: Scylla_Charibdis
In my view, he certainly doesn't value our relationship,and is quite willing to let our children suffer ( they are 9&13). "They'll adapt.", he and his counselor say. "Kids are resiliant."
Yea.....I'm fighting the urge to stick a boot up his counselors a$$ right now. You and me both! Far as I'm concerned his counselor is unprofessional and I have considered reporting some of the things she's said to me to her regulatory agency.
Actually, that answer is pretty "script" for most MLCers. IT is their delusion that their children will be "just fine" with their decision. It is their justification that what they are doing will not cause any emotional trauma to their children.
It is also......bogus.
I think you know this, so I will save my "soapbox" minutes...sometimes they rollover for the next month : ) Then I will hop on it. I've read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce " by J. S. Wallerstein, J.M Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee. It's ugly,it's sad and tragic. Yet so many children of divorce, like childre of abuse, think: " I'm alright Jack, and my kids will be too!"
Originally Posted By: Scylla_Charibdis
As for me; my perception is that for him, I'm just the mother of his kids, nothing more.
No offense....
But I don't see you viewing things much differently right now.. You're right. I do see it that way myself at the moment. Given the situation I find myself in, it's hard not to. Far as I'm concerned I was little more than a sex toy, walking incubator, and a second pair of hands for H.
However, I realise that that's my own demon and my programming that has me thinking that and devaluing myself. When you have been shown, told, and only get affirmation for performance and that is reenforced, over and over, that becomes your central value to yourself too. Then you too gauge your own self worth by how well you do or do not perform.
All of these things are choices that you can make....
You can only control the choices you make...
Finding who the person is, that makes those choices.....
Is also a choice....
Originally Posted By: Scylla_Charibdis
I think I was pretty clear about what I'm working toward. I don't know if I can salvage my marriage. Heck, right now I don't know if I even want to. I have been dancing the tango alone for so long already. I have already done what was advised with my DB coaching, and I got the bomb dropped on me. Yes in some ways it's better than the limbo I was in, in others it is just as much pain as when I found H had taken his stuff and fled in under 2 hours.
I really want to tell H, how much he hurt me continues to hurt me and just blast him. I KNOW for a fact that doing that would accomplish exactly NOTHING, because he just doesn't give a damn. So I won't, but the tempation is strong.
I'm at ground zero right now, and what I see in my future is a slow dismantling of my life and having to rebuild it by myself, the best as I can.
How can we help you get there ?
I don't have the answer to that.
How far are you willing to go , to find yourself ? Told you, I'm giving myself five years to become whole, emotionally mature and a fully realised person. I've put in a year and a bit so far. It will be 2 years In November.
And to find that happiness that Cat and PEI describe ?
At this juncture, I'd be happy with equilibrium, never mind happy.
Is it clear ?
Was it clear ?
Look Scylla, nobody here is against you....
I would venture that everyone is rooting for you here...
You do have some thinking to do...
Thinking, that would involve removing your Husband from any conclusion.....
That is the first step in detaching...
Find the center of your convictions and work toward those things for now..