Do I go out and flirt, yes! Does it mean anything to me other than innocent fun, no! Would I take anyone home with me, no!
sarahani ... and others,
I'm gonna have to call you on this too ... anyone surprised???
Of course it means more to you than innocent fun. It is ego and esteem boosting, it makes you feel girly and feminine and attractive and sexy. It reaffirms that you are NOT that <fill in the blank with whatever horrid words your particular MLCer used> person that your WAS turned away from. It reminds you that you ARE lovable, you ARE attractive, you ARE ....
But how do you feel without all the external reenforcements? When you are at home and the lights are out and the kids are sleeping and the TVs off ... in the quiet ... all by yourself ...
Do you wonder if you'd been a better a spouse would he have stayed? Do you think if you'd been sexier, prettier, a better cook, a better a housekeeper, thinner, taller, more fun ... whatever ... that then he would have stayed? Do you believe that he never loved you? That it was your fault? Do you want him back even if he hasn't done the work? Do you wonder why this is happening TO you?
Tell me ... what do you think in those really quiet, dark times ... what do you see when you look, really look, into that mirror then ...
This isn't about sex. You want a pat on the back because you're not sleeping with random men? You're not gonna get one from me. Because we're talking about so much more than that.
Esteem. SELF esteem. This isn't easy stuff ... and lord knows I still struggle too ... always checking myself, owning my choices and seeing them for what it is. You guys think I'm honest on here ... you should see what I say to myself. And when I screw up, I call in reenforcments, and trust me when I tell ya I have some tough cookies helping me stay accountable ... to ME.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't believe for a second that we are meant to be alone. I think that one of the reasons we NEED to be alone is so that we become our true selves, our most authentic and whole selves ... in order to be able to share that with someone else. Someone also healthy. Someone who also doesn't NEED us but WANTS us. And I agree with Eric, alone isn't necessarily a timeframe or a physical thing (actually lets be honest, that was mine E, where's my nickle???) ... it's an emotional place. And therefore if we are emotionally invested and undetached from someone else then no, IMO, we are not alone. How long does it take? As long as it takes. No longer, no shorter. Some move through it faster than others, some try to race through it, some try to skip it ... but it is what is it.
Unless we REALLY know ourselves ... our wants, desires, demons, faults, insecurities, fears and boundaries ... how can we know what our partner looks like? If we haven't truly accepted and learned to love ourselves, learned to forgive ourselves and taken responsibility for our lives, our happiness ... how can we share?
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
