Need ideas.

[Sad_but_happy]

Harrier,

Even though you and I agree to disagree on many things, I believe we can still help one another.

I will be honest and say that I have been VERY successful so far. Had a great night last night. Let me tell you where I was and where I am now... And how I got here...


Here is what my W said/did to me and what I found snooping in the first 45 days after the IDLYA...

1. Completely cold all the time.

2. Said, "we are no longer a couple."

3. Slept as far on the bed from me as possible.

4. Was looking on the Internet for a new place (My Snooping).

5. Found a letter addressed to me outlining how she found her "solemate" and found happiness and she could/will never find with me (she never sent it but it was all set to go).

6. Found a letter to OM outlining her desire to be with him, travel with him and complimenting him on his looks (nothing dirty, just that she was attracted - She never sent it).

7. Found texts to her IC outlining that I was no longer the one for her. That I remind her of a person that has always made her feel bad about herself.

8. Found texts to her IC stating how the pain of losing OM is so intense and how she can't bare to live w/o him.

8. No kissing, hugging, ML.

And sooooooo much more...



Where I am now...

1. Sleep facing each other and holding one another close. This was a progression from being far apart in bed, to moving closer, to light touches of feet and back to spooning to her facing me and holding one another close. Took about 70 days.

2. Kissing and hugging one another several times a day. This was a progression from no kissing, to moving closer, kissing on the forehead to kissing on the cheek to kissing on the lips. Took about 70 days.

3. Reading relationship books. I can't take credit for this one. Her IC told her to do it. I did ask if we could read together. Bad DB I know but turns out she loves it. She always makes sure I read to her every night.

4. We now have a standing date every two weeks.

5. I surprise her with little notes every now and then. Nothing pursuing. Leaving a note in her car saying, "have a nice day" or "enjoy work".

6. I surprise her with little gifts every now and then. Nothing pursuing. Just a book or a small token. Or her favorit soup brought to her at work. Thoughtful things. Oh and do it in places where there are other women. Cause when everyone says, "oh, he's so sweet", you W will love it. Maybe not at first but women love attention and she WILL love it soon.



How I got here?

I am convinced that we would be physically S if I didn't back off. She stopped respecting me completely.

1. I decided I would not fight with her, not yell, not make wise ass comments, not be a smart ass, etc...

2. I decided I would help more around the house, with the kids, make the bed, bring her drink in the morning, help with school lunches, etc.

3. I decided I would give her space to think and to work things out.

4. I decided that when I WAS with her in a social setting I compliment her, build up her self-esteem. Not to the point of being a kiss ass but just enough so she felt special.

5. I decided to use non-sexual touch. Squeezing her shoulder while walking by. Touching her arm or leg while talking.

6. I decided to listen to her. I mean REALLY listen. When she started to talk I mute or turn off the TV, or put my book down, or turn down the radio.

7. I decided to validate every one of her issues. I don't always agree but I always validate. If I don't agree, we discuss.

8. I decided to no longer say "I love you". In fact we still don't. But I always sign things by saying, "Love, me", or "with love, me"...

9. I decided that when I'm home I was doing things that most women respect (not just watching TV - something I did all the time before). Things like fixing or painting or reading, etc.


My W used to say, "let's take the TV out of the room so we can talk more and our bedroom can be a quiet place to retreat to." I was always against that and would NEVER respect that need/request of hers. Guess what? The TV has been out of the room for about 90 days and it's the best thing I ever did!

Sorry I am rambling. There are just too many positive changes to mention. And I want to see EVERYONE on this board make it.

The most important thing I have learned is that I love my W more then life. Six months ago I would have traded her for a McDonalds Cheese Burger, but not now, and not ever again. Today I would lay down my life for her. It's an awesome feeling.

So in closing I'm not sure I did everything right but I did what has worked so far for me.

And I am truly hoping you see success Harrier. I can read how much you love your W. It shows. Good luck.