I am messing this up big time. It seem like part of me is bent on getting divorce so I push and push my wife.
I know it's not what I want, but I just feel out of control sometimes. I know that I am the only one who can make the changes I need to and the only one who can take the advice.
Am I screwed here? Why do I keep doing the same stupid crap and pushing here toward divorce when she is willing to work on the M? Why do I potentially keep pushing her towards the OM, by not giving her a stable, loving guy at home?
Right now I hate myself and hate that do that. But I can't seem to get my S together to not do it.
Any advice for me?
It sounds like you have some mental habits to change. Your mind gets going on certain topics and emotions and then you act it out. You're going to therapy so you're working on self-expression and changing relational patterns. You're a runner so you're getting exercise. You allow yourself to feed pollution into your mind--negative opinions, predictions, assessments, interpretatons, conclusions, that aren't based on fact, but are subjective and emotional.
You can experiment with brief periods of meditation to discipline your mind and increase clarity of how you get yourself into trouble. Your mind is like an untrained maverick. Meditation helps to stay with the difficult emotions and thoughts without acting on them, and slows us down to see what we're thinking so we can correct it. Maybe you can try 10 minutes per day to start, and see if it helps. Simply sit and pay attention to the breath.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
