All's right with the world again, he's back to being a jerk. This morning he started in with the idea of taking a sudden trip back home for a basketball game (OW lives there but moving here soon). I was all for it! Even asked him once during the day if he found tickets yet. He didn't.
He went to lunch with a co-worker (male). He did come and ask if I wanted something. Then later asked if I wanted to take a ride with them. Said no, but thanks so much for asking.
Just smiling through it. Sometimes with gritted teeth, but I'm not perfect, you know?
Today's just been a bad day for me all together. Kind of woke up in a down mood. Sometimes the reality just really hurts. He's so intertwined in my life that I don't know who I am anymore without him. A vendor came to visit today and asked to see my H because they are friendly. I just felt such shame. The majority of the people do not know anything yet, but I feel such shame because I know what's around the corner and I can't stop it. Shame and embarassement and loss. Those are the overwhelming feelings today.
There are moments that I am hopeful but many moments where I know a part of me has given up. I think that if I ever do get to piecing, I won't have the strength. You know? I've always suffered from self-esteem problems and this whole thing has really killed me. I'm lonely and I'm tired. I spend far too much time thinking about this whole thing. I spend far too much time beating myself over mistakes that I made and signs I ignored. I'm just so tired...
