TAMF's Christmas Miracle?

[AntoniaB]

Look I get where TAMF is coming from. I've gone out a few times now by myself and I wouldn't say that I've been flirty, I've just been more open and smiling and inviting of conversation than I ever was. I do feel like I want to know if someone, anyone, finds me attractive or notices me. I think that is because I had a very fulfilling romantic life AND a very active sex life with H up till when he dropped the bomb. In fact, in the past few years, our sex life was better than it had EVER been (in my opinion) and to have that just shut off overnight has been devastating. I think about sex all the time too.

But I also know that I don't have it in me to just go pick someone up and sleep with him. I also don't think I could just go sleep with a guy that I'm friends with but wasn't in a relationship with. I think I'll need some feeling that things are going somewhere with me and another person before I jump into bed with them. So this sort of makes me feel like I'm going to be without sex for a LONG LONG LONG time. That's depressing as can be because I do want that in my life.

So the substitute is going out or just making eye contact or being friendly and perhaps even flirty. It gets that out of my system. If that's what TAMF is doing, I totally get it.

In my case H is entirely out of the picture. I need to live as if he'll never be back. I still love him. I don't really see me being in a relationship with someone now. So flirting fills some void. There is a guy I flirt with at work and he flirts back, (he's single) but he is someone who divorced 14 years ago and is STILL bitter and down on marriage. He has a few "friends with benefits." He knows me enough to know that while I might be able to be talked into that to fill the void of intimacy, that in my heart I'd not be ok with that. That I'd want something more. So all we do is flirt. That's it. I have to give him credit for not taking advantage of me, honestly.

I agree with TAMF, I think that if you ask yourself "what is it I want out of life", it's not wrong to say "I want a romantic relationship" or "I want a sexual partner" or "I want to feel like I am beautiful or sexy." Saying that doesn't negate saying "I want independence and strength." Our self-esteem takes quite the nose dive from infidelity, and it is hard to rebuild that. Yes we can get all powerful and strong and confident in our ability to survive and carry on with our families and homes, but the sexual side is also something that shouldn't be neglected, and you can love yourself all you want as a confident person, but there is quite a limit to how much you can love yourself "romantically." You need the interaction with another for that.

I think the danger lies in if you get into a romantic rel. and you hide the fact that you're still in love with the ex/say "I'm over it 100%" if you're not. If you're not over it, and you communciate that, but the new partner says I'm ok with it, then fine. But lying, yeah, that would be a problem.

If you're just flirting I think you're testing your new personality to see how you're going to navigate this part of your journey.