Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

Wow, lots of responses... thank you so much everyone for your support. I really, truly appreciate it so much!

Wanda, Bond, LIS - you are right. I need to relax more, be happy about progress. I am tip-toeing and uptight and looking over my shoulder. It's just so hard to not do that!!! But I'll try harder.

LIS - I will change my signature.

Sounds like you're doing wonderfully. You are where I was a month ago. W and I don't fight and we are starting to have more fun. She is warming up more and more. Things are going well. To be honest she was only cold when I persued. After I stopped things really got better. Sounds the same for you. Keep it up.

Yes, I'm there. Trying to not pursue, trying to give him space. It's hard when one of his complaints was that I was working so much and not spending enough time with him. Now, I want to spend time with him and it's suffocating him. I'm doing better at finding that middle ground.

Yes, ego plays a roll in a mans reaction to OM. Much like cavemen clubbing a woman over the head and dragging her into his cave by the hair, we believe our women are OURS! They belong to US. And when OM tries to take her away (our perception of it) we suddenly want to keep our posessions and fight to do so. Some threaten the OM, write letters to the OM, tell the OM's W, some even kill OM. We think to ourselves, "does OM not see the ring on W finger? What's his problem?" There IS more to it then that but from an animal perspective I believe that is our first INSTINCT.

Having been on the other side of that as a LBS with XH who had OW and a current H who was looking for an OW... women aren't jealous by nature. Sure we get angry, a small percentage of us might even want to key the heck out of his car or burn all his stuff. But we are mostly heartbroken and numb. It's grief, death of our dreams, death of the man we fell in love with because that man is gone. Right now, with H at the edge of finding an OW... I feel like my H isn't dead or gone but in a coma and I'm just waiting to see how much brain damage he's suffered once he wakes up... if he wakes up. I've dealt with a lot of lose in my life, I've been by the hospital bedside so I don't say that lightly at all. That's how it feels right now. I'm scared to death that the man I fell in love with isn't going to survive this.

You can't trust his behavior or words right now. IMO. See my answer immediately above. He is having an internal struggle. You are seeing both sides, and they are alternating. This is more a battle in his head than it is bw you and he.

How do you fight his ego? I'm really not sure Hope. You have to appeal to the part of him that wants to be happy with you and in M. That means continue to give him reasons to push that other part of him away. You can help his 'good' side in the battle by just not contributing to his doubt. It's like he has a devil on one shoulder (his ego) and an angel on the other (his true self). You have to provide weapons to the angel.

This is what my W did not know how to do. And again, I don't blame her. How could she. She is human and has never dealt with this before. But she fed the devil on my shoulder bc she became angry and distant, justifiably. I don't know if any of this is making sense or is applicable to you. Sorry if not.

This makes perfect sense. It's probably the most accurate analogy there is. I think you are 1000% right!!!! Thank you, Denver! It's much easier to cope with this if I focus on that little angel and feeding that. Fighting the little devil takes the focus off of fighting against HIM and more on the problem and what he's going through. Takes some of the resentment away. You really hit the nail on the head. Thank you!

Question for you, Denver, on your R.... how do you know that you want your W back because of her and not because your ego is hurt from her leaving you?

I think that, in part, it is. Like SBH said, we men all have some of that in us. But it is not the main reason. I want my W back bc I love her for just being who she is. Bc I can't imagine living my life without her in it. I can't imagine not working towards the dreams that we have had together. Bc I can't imagine not growing old with her. Bc I can't imagine putting our shared memories in a box someplace in the back of my mind. I can't imagine those memories losing importance in my life. Bc I can't imagine not making new shared memories with her. Bc I know how in love with her I felt when I knelt down and proposed to her while tears came down my face. And how in love with her I felt when she walked down the aisle and how she was the most beautiful woman I had EVER laid eyes on. How proud that I have been, even in bad times, that she was my W and I was her H.

That is a Hallmark greeting card. Save that and tell her that someday. Those are words every wife needs to hear. Truly. I wish she could read that... see that you mean it because you're posting it here and not to her in an attempt to win her back. I really hope she sees how blessed she is to have a man love her that much.

So I need to appeal to his ego and his heart. Arghhhh... that's a hard one. I just have to hope and pray he still loves me enough to hold on.

I asked myself these questions today. Truth is I have no idea but I believe it is a risk worth taking. I suppose if she has had an opportunity to reflect and see things my way the same way I have tried to look at the situation her way that would be called progress. I suppose I could not fully answer that until I have healed completely.

One thing is for certain, I feel and see things differently today than I did a few months ago. I am sure some of my BITS brothers would agree with that statement. We have grown because of this that was our step in the right direction.

2step, that's all we can do. See things differently. Open our eyes, make changes and stick to them - and love them through it all even when they aren't very lovable and neither are we. Keep it up!


Some more progress....

Last night he was still distant. His back was hurting from all that driving, he was tired. I offered to rub his back or get him some aspirin - he declined. Something he wouldn't have declined before. He came to bed, complaining about my choice of tv shows (Real Housewives of LA), commenting on Kelsey Grammer's divorce and that his XW shouldn't be whining because she'll walk out with $50 million. ()#$&#$#$#(*$? Seriously? He left her and 2 kids after a 13 yr marriage to knock up a 20-something and embarrassed her nationally. I don't care if she was materialist, nagging shrew - no one deserves that! And before I knew it - those exact words flew out of my mouth along with "if he had more honor and integrity, he would've kept his pants zipped and divorced her first if he was unhappy". H didn't respond. UGH!!!!! My big mouth!!! I changed the subject, lightened the mood but H remembers *everything* I say and takes it all to heart. He's not one of those guys that doesn't listen. He may not pay attention when I'm talking, but he hears what I say. I messed up here.

I must not have messed up too badly. H spooned me this morning, pulled me closer. When I was ready to get up, he pulled me back. We ML twice this morning... we haven't done that at least 6 months if not maybe a year (twice I mean). He was attentive to my needs and even made me feel a bit sexy. I've lost weight, lost most of my stomach. In the morning, with an empty stomach, it even looks flat! lol I need to exercise. So I'm happy with that. Happy that he found me attractive, that he wanted me, that cared about my needs.

But he still feels distant. He still has one foot out the door. I know he's trying. I know he's dealing with questioning whether to stay or not, guilt on the dating site stuff, fear of the future. His guard is up even more than mine. Even ML and all, he hasn't kissed me. Not really kissed me in months. When you're in love with someone... you want to kiss them. You need to kiss them. Even if you're not in love, you want to kiss the person you're with. But he's not kissing me.

So Denver, how do I feed this angel on his shoulder?