Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

Wow, lots of responses... thank you so much everyone for your support. I really, truly appreciate it so much!

Wanda, Bond, LIS - you are right. I need to relax more, be happy about progress. I am tip-toeing and uptight and looking over my shoulder. It's just so hard to not do that!!! But I'll try harder.

LIS - I will change my signature.

Sounds like you're doing wonderfully. You are where I was a month ago. W and I don't fight and we are starting to have more fun. She is warming up more and more. Things are going well. To be honest she was only cold when I persued. After I stopped things really got better. Sounds the same for you. Keep it up.

Yes, I'm there. Trying to not pursue, trying to give him space. It's hard when one of his complaints was that I was working so much and not spending enough time with him. Now, I want to spend time with him and it's suffocating him. I'm doing better at finding that middle ground.

Yes, ego plays a roll in a mans reaction to OM. Much like cavemen clubbing a woman over the head and dragging her into his cave by the hair, we believe our women are OURS! They belong to US. And when OM tries to take her away (our perception of it) we suddenly want to keep our posessions and fight to do so. Some threaten the OM, write letters to the OM, tell the OM's W, some even kill OM. We think to ourselves, "does OM not see the ring on W finger? What's his problem?" There IS more to it then that but from an animal perspective I believe that is our first INSTINCT.

Having been on the other side of that as a LBS with XH who had OW and a current H who was looking for an OW... women aren't jealous by nature. Sure we get angry, a small percentage of us might even want to key the heck out of his car or burn all his stuff. But we are mostly heartbroken and numb. It's grief, death of our dreams, death of the man we fell in love with because that man is gone. Right now, with H at the edge of finding an OW... I feel like my H isn't dead or gone but in a coma and I'm just waiting to see how much brain damage he's suffered once he wakes up... if he wakes up. I've dealt with a lot of lose in my life, I've been by the hospital bedside so I don't say that lightly at all. That's how it feels right now. I'm scared to death that the man I fell in love with isn't going to survive this.

You can't trust his behavior or words right now. IMO. See my answer immediately above. He is having an internal struggle. You are seeing both sides, and they are alternating. This is more a battle in his head than it is bw you and he.

How do you fight his ego? I'm really not sure Hope. You have to appeal to the part of him that wants to be happy with you and in M. That means continue to give him reasons to push that other part of him away. You can help his 'good' side in the battle by just not contributing to his doubt. It's like he has a devil on one shoulder (his ego) and an angel on the other (his true self). You have to provide weapons to the angel.

This is what my W did not know how to do. And again, I don't blame her. How could she. She is human and has never dealt with this before. But she fed the devil on my shoulder bc she became angry and distant, justifiably. I don't know if any of this is making sense or is applicable to you. Sorry if not.

This makes perfect sense. It's probably the most accurate analogy there is. I think you are 1000% right!!!! Thank you, Denver! It's much easier to cope with this if I focus on that little angel and feeding that. Fighting the little devil takes the focus off of fighting against HIM and more on the problem and what he's going through. Takes some of the resentment away. You really hit the nail on the head. Thank you!

Question for you, Denver, on your R.... how do you know that you want your W back because of her and not because your ego is hurt from her leaving you?

I think that, in part, it is. Like SBH said, we men all have some of that in us. But it is not the main reason. I want my W back bc I love her for just being who she is. Bc I can't imagine living my life without her in it. I can't imagine not working towards the dreams that we have had together. Bc I can't imagine not growing old with her. Bc I can't imagine putting our shared memories in a box someplace in the back of my mind. I can't imagine those memories losing importance in my life. Bc I can't imagine not making new shared memories with her. Bc I know how in love with her I felt when I knelt down and proposed to her while tears came down my face. And how in love with her I felt when she walked down the aisle and how she was the most beautiful woman I had EVER laid eyes on. How proud that I have been, even in bad times, that she was my W and I was her H.

That is a Hallmark greeting card. Save that and tell her that someday. Those are words every wife needs to hear. Truly. I wish she could read that... see that you mean it because you're posting it here and not to her in an attempt to win her back. I really hope she sees how blessed she is to have a man love her that much.

So I need to appeal to his ego and his heart. Arghhhh... that's a hard one. I just have to hope and pray he still loves me enough to hold on.

I asked myself these questions today. Truth is I have no idea but I believe it is a risk worth taking. I suppose if she has had an opportunity to reflect and see things my way the same way I have tried to look at the situation her way that would be called progress. I suppose I could not fully answer that until I have healed completely.

One thing is for certain, I feel and see things differently today than I did a few months ago. I am sure some of my BITS brothers would agree with that statement. We have grown because of this that was our step in the right direction.

2step, that's all we can do. See things differently. Open our eyes, make changes and stick to them - and love them through it all even when they aren't very lovable and neither are we. Keep it up!


Some more progress....

Last night he was still distant. His back was hurting from all that driving, he was tired. I offered to rub his back or get him some aspirin - he declined. Something he wouldn't have declined before. He came to bed, complaining about my choice of tv shows (Real Housewives of LA), commenting on Kelsey Grammer's divorce and that his XW shouldn't be whining because she'll walk out with $50 million. ()#$&#$#$#(*$? Seriously? He left her and 2 kids after a 13 yr marriage to knock up a 20-something and embarrassed her nationally. I don't care if she was materialist, nagging shrew - no one deserves that! And before I knew it - those exact words flew out of my mouth along with "if he had more honor and integrity, he would've kept his pants zipped and divorced her first if he was unhappy". H didn't respond. UGH!!!!! My big mouth!!! I changed the subject, lightened the mood but H remembers *everything* I say and takes it all to heart. He's not one of those guys that doesn't listen. He may not pay attention when I'm talking, but he hears what I say. I messed up here.

I must not have messed up too badly. H spooned me this morning, pulled me closer. When I was ready to get up, he pulled me back. We ML twice this morning... we haven't done that at least 6 months if not maybe a year (twice I mean). He was attentive to my needs and even made me feel a bit sexy. I've lost weight, lost most of my stomach. In the morning, with an empty stomach, it even looks flat! lol I need to exercise. So I'm happy with that. Happy that he found me attractive, that he wanted me, that cared about my needs.

But he still feels distant. He still has one foot out the door. I know he's trying. I know he's dealing with questioning whether to stay or not, guilt on the dating site stuff, fear of the future. His guard is up even more than mine. Even ML and all, he hasn't kissed me. Not really kissed me in months. When you're in love with someone... you want to kiss them. You need to kiss them. Even if you're not in love, you want to kiss the person you're with. But he's not kissing me.

So Denver, how do I feed this angel on his shoulder?

[Denver_2010]

So Denver, how do I feed this angel on his shoulder?

Thanks for the kind words about my 'hallmark' card. It is how I feel. But I feel crushed by W today. It hurts so badly to feel the things that I wrote in response to your question, but then be crushed by the object of that affection.

I'm not in a good way today Hope. I hope to come back to your sitch and help you feed that angel in the coming days.

Denver

[hope2011]

I had a family emergency on Friday so been off-line. My grandmother was in ICU, they called all the family to the hospital (out of state). My a miracle, she's still with us and out of ICU but it was a rough weekend.

H volunteered to go with me, was by me the whole time. We left the hospital on Saturday (she was stable by then) and even offered to drive me an hour of the way to the cemetery to visit with 2 close relatives that I lost whose birthdays are recent. Then he wanted to see his parents, just 2 hours away so we drove there and stayed overnight. Any time I asked to stop, he did (unusual for him), he held my hand a bit in the car (he reached for me), he asked if I felt like visiting a winery on the way and we did and even had fun. And he started talking about dreams again (he's always wanted a winery) and even the future a bit. We even ML more this past week than the past 6 months. Even given the hospital scare, it was a good weekend. He was 100% supportive, kind, sensitive, thoughtful. He's the guy I fell in love with.

So why am I freaking TERRIFIED right now?

[2stepboogie]

Hey Hope I am praying for your grandmother.

I see progress in your situation I think you are moving in the right direction. I truly believe you will make it through this. Just my gut!

[Denver_2010]

Hope - This all sounds very encouraging with H. Just remember that he is probably still having an internal battle. I just don't think that this ends/changes over night. I think that when he is in a good way, being the man that you fell in love with, that that's the time that you need to feed the angel. Give him positive feedback. Validate the things that men need validated on. Be affectionate. Be romantic. But also give him his space if you sense that he needs it. Don't push. This is when you need to be the woman that he fell in love with.

[wanda15]

Sending prayers for your grandma too hope2011.

You are probably scared because it doesn't seem real. or because you think it won't last. Stay stong and keep DBing. You seem to be on the right path and heading in the right direction. Good for you!

[hope2011]

Not much to report this week. Steady progress, H is still pleasant, the boys are here for the week (we have them every other full week). Last night I backslid a bit. I went to go get groceries, got home in the rain and had my arms full and tapped on the door with my foot to get one of them to let me in and not one of the 3 opened the door. They were in the same room as the door. By the time I got my key out, I was livid. H was on the phone for work, the boys were wrestling. I snapped and said "if none of you can be bothered to open the door for me than I am not going to bother cooking dinner for you". Ok, so PMS didn't help. In the past, H would get defensive and we'd fight/sulk all night. But instead H defused the situation! Holy cow, that was a first! He calmly said he was really sorry but couldn't get off the phone call, he told the boys to go to their room since they couldn't behave (wrestling in the house, while he's on the phone no less) and made them go clean. And then he helped me with dinner. PROGRESS!!!! On both sides!

Some not so good progress too though. He has a 5 day trip next week. 5 days. 2 of driving, 3 of meetings. He asked me if I want to go and I said "yes" then he immediately changed his mind. Claims because of the dog (we have no one to dog sit). I say, we're driving, she's tiny, we take her with us, I watch her there. He says no. I say ok, let's put her in a kennel for a few days, he says no. Now I am stressing about it. 5 days. Trust is a big issue still. Him now not wanting me to go... why? Why even ask me? Radar up and I'm scared. I hacked his computer, found nothing. Haven't been able to check his phone and he's been txting/e-mailing non-stop this week. Could be for work but of course now my suspicions are up.

And we've ML every day this week... completely out of the norm. Not complaining but he's the exact opposite of the norm for us so that's got my radar up too.

And he still hasn't kissed me.

I did get an "I love you" first yesterday as he was rolling over to sleep.

I don't trust him and I don't trust my intuition anymore. I'm having a really hard time with this. I don't want to live the next 50 years of my life like this.

[hope2011]

Wow, lots of typos there, sorry!

[hope2011]

H called around to dog boarding places and even asked a neighbor. He's actively trying to make it possible for me to go with him.

I think we may have pulled of a miracle here. I think we're actually, really truly piecing at this point.

[Denver_2010]

H called around to dog boarding places and even asked a neighbor. He's actively trying to make it possible for me to go with him.

I think we may have pulled of a miracle here. I think we're actually, really truly piecing at this point.

I think that this looks great Hope. Just proceed with caution. I have learned the hard way that having expectations can lead to a real let down. Remember, when he is in this state, the good H, feed that angel on sitting on his shoulder...

BITS
Denver