Funny I got a weird vibe from my W the other night during our fight/talk. I got the feeling that she is way more optimistic about us than I am. I mean I want to get to a great marriage and she seems to think it's just a matter of working through things (time and effort) for me I'm not as sure.
Doubt is also understandable. Do you have a mix of faith and doubt? I don't mean religious faith (which is fine too) but the idea that if you act skillfully in your situation, are willing to make mistakes, and correct them, and are persistent, you will get the connection and intimacy you want in your M.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I do have a lot of faith. Much of it comes from my wife. She is very positive about the long term of us. Very positive.
But sometimes I feel if I'm on borrowed time. Sometimes I do something that I know causes friction like initiate a talk or get upset about something substantial. yet, my wife feels that these talks are an important step. She may cry and yell during them I usually don't, but she always comes back to the same place. she understand that I had some major issues this past fall and she doesn't think that was really "me" doing all those things.
But I remember when I had issus this fall, my wife would always say the same thing - I love you, I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere. Then she reached a breaking point.
I wonder if she will also reach a breaking point with piecing because of the things that are brought up. To me she is doing the same kind of reassuring she did last year until she dropped the bomb.
So while she says things will workout and not to worry about the long term, I'm scared that she might change on that and I'd feel responsible because I bring up some of these issue.
Which leads me to my next thing. I can't let it get to that point. In some ways I haven't. I don't scream, yell or make wild accusations anymore. Our talks are way more civil and there are less fights. She recovers from these talks a lot faster than the fights of last year. But I wonder if the process will wear her down just like my actions did last year.
I also realized I've been taking an approach that is too stretched out. for example, I say to myself "If I can just create a fun, loving environment with no fights/talks for the next 2 weeks we will get on track." Then three days into it something happens where we end up having a talk about the M. I need to focus more on the now...today. Like each day, make it a goal to not get upset at the small stuff, be patient with my W and if I have a major issue talk about it in a calm manner. None of the open ended week stuff. I might start each day by writing down a few goals for that day.
Also, it looks like our MC session will be on tomorrow. Thank God.
My question for the piecing vets? Did you have a lot of M/R talks especially during the early stages? Did it get kinda weary as you worked through this stuff? Did your SO show signs of fatigue with it? how did you handle it.
Thanks.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
But sometimes I feel if I'm on borrowed time. Sometimes I do something that I know causes friction like initiate a talk or get upset about something substantial. yet, my wife feels that these talks are an important step.
But I remember when I had issus this fall, my wife would always say the same thing - I love you, I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere. Then she reached a breaking point.
So while she says things will workout and not to worry about the long term, I'm scared that she might change on that and I'd feel responsible because I bring up some of these issue.
But I wonder if the process will wear her down just like my actions did last year.
I say to myself "If I can just create a fun, loving environment with no fights/talks for the next 2 weeks we will get on track." I need to focus more on the now...today. Like each day, make it a goal to not get upset at the small stuff, be patient with my W and if I have a major issue talk about it in a calm manner. None of the open ended week stuff. I might start each day by writing down a few goals for that day.
My question for the piecing vets? Did you have a lot of M/R talks especially during the early stages? Did it get kinda weary as you worked through this stuff? Did your SO show signs of fatigue with it? how did you handle it.
Thanks.
Your fear is understandable. You don't and won't know for some time if you are on borrowed time, so be careful of making comments like that that can't be supported with evidence. You're working on getting your M to a stable place.
It sounds like your W tries to maintain her faith in you and the M, and doesn't pay attention to her stress level until she is overwhelmed, or finds herself stuck and doesn't know what else to do, so drowns in her emotions, and abruptly calls it quits. She will need to and hopefully already is taking better care of herself.
Are you working on your issues from this fall?
She is responsible for keeping herself strong throughout this process. It's her job to take of herself, and manage her own stress. If she starts getting worn out, she needs to ask for help from someone, or increase her self-care activities.
No fights or talks or drama for two weeks seems unrealistic and not an accurate standard for progress. What do you mean by on-track? I would redefine this, to better reflect where the R is at. I like the goals you've identified for yourself, that you have influence over.
It seems important to your W to have talks, so continue to provide that for her.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
1. I am getting help for my issues last year. In fact, I started the process long before the bomb. I am much better. My wife has repeatedly said that I am a much better person and we are in a much better place. She acknowledges that I have made a great effort.
2. I think my wife for a long time thought she could manage her emotions and stress over this. She recently told me she can't and is in the process of looking for an IC. I hope the IC doesn't encourage her to ditch me. She also runs for exercise/stress relief.
3. By "on track" I mean moving forward to repair/rebuild. Getting a little better each day, a little more trust, love, etc.
Today is a test for sure. thanks again.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I am messing this up big time. It seem like part of me is bent on getting divorce so I push and push my wife.
I know it's not what I want, but I just feel out of control sometimes. I know that I am the only one who can make the changes I need to and the only one who can take the advice.
The vets here are great and have given me solid advice, but why can't I follow through. I'm scared...of myself.
Our MC session was canceled this morning because my wife assumed out daycare was closed due to weather. Turns out it wasn't closed and we might have been able to go our session. It's been about 5 weeks since our last session
What do I do? I start to get pissed at my wife because she didn't call the day care to check. Total B.S. on my part.
I then do the worst thing I can for someone who is supposedly piecing. I say to her "You don't really want to try to work things out, do you?"
She then says, "Maybe we should just end it, because if you feel that way this is a shame (meaning MC)."
We continue to fight and I try to back peddle to no avail. So I accused her of not trying and I started a fight in the morning before work which she asked me not to do.
Am I screwed here? Why do I keep doing the same stupid crap and pushing here toward divorce when she is willing to work on the M? Why do I potentially keep pushing her towards the OM, by not giving her a stable, loving guy at home?
Right now I hate myself and hate that do that. But I can't seem to get my S together to not do it.
Any advice for me?
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Hi Harrier, I don't have any experience being in a marriage where there's been an A, but your behavior is reminding me of how I was acting last spring. Our M was in serious doo-doo at that point; I was seriously considering leaving because of the extreme emotional distance, crappy communication and some increasingly poor treatment from my H. My IC finally got me to start putting my foot down and initiating and asking for the changes I knew our M needed. It took a long time but my H started following my footsteps and working towards better connection etc.
Much to my surprise, I started doing similar things to what you're doing now. The way my IC described it was it just boils down to resentment. You're still hurt. When you say things like 'you don't really want to try to work things out, do you' - that tells me you're still scared and untrusting and you're kind of asking her for reassurance that she DOES want to stay and work. You're still grieving what was; unsure and afraid of what will be; and, frankly, you're still likely pretty angry. It's ok to be angry. But those huge feelings are likely what's preventing you from 'following through' as you say. Sounds like all pretty human emotions to me.
My best advice would be to not hate yourself; try to forgive yourself your actions, your words, instead. You're worried about not giving her a stable, loving guy at home, but it doesn't sound like you're doing much to show that guy much love yourself. (sorry if that sounds girlie... I'm a girl...can't help it!). I think if you ease up on yourself; stop fighting your feelings - the key is to write them down and get them out of your head so you don't vent them on your wife - acknowledge them; accept them, and accept yourself. I think it's then that you can go to your W with a clear head and manage the bickering a little better. And good grief! Bump up those MC sessions. I see my IC once every two weeks. Draining my savings but saving my brain and heart.
Thinking good thoughts for you. Remember to forgive and accept yourself. You're a good guy. You deserve to be good to yourself.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Girlie or not. Your post brought tears to my eyes (and I'm not saying this for effect).
My IC said something similar to what you are saying. I think it makes a lot of sense. I carry a lot of guilt for the situation I find myself in and guilt for pushing my wife into an EA. I also feel guilt for messing up. I have got to stop hating myself and for feeling unworthy of my w's love. I feel like because of my actions I am not good enough for her and she deserves betters. When in reality, she is perfectly happy with me. You are right I need to accept who I am and forgive myself. A long time ago, once during a fight, I grabbed my wife by the shoulders. It wasn't really major, but it was the first time I'd done anything remotely physical. I hated myself for that and I couldn't get over it. Then I realized that I could never allow my wife to forgive me, if I couldn't forgive myself first. Once I did, I was able to get over it and move on. You just reminded me of what I need to do. Thanks.
As far as the MC, the plan was to have them more frequently but fate is messing with is. We had 2 in mid-December. Then because of the holidays, our MC could meet with us until mid-Jan. We had to cancel 2 sessions the last 2 Fridays because of a sick kid and weather.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Hey Harrier, I'm glad I was able to help a little. Question - a few pages back in your post did I read correctly that you'd been diagnosed with depression at some point? If so, I can understand the mind-wracking self-blame that can accompany that. I was just diagnosed in Oct. Also, if so, are you in any kind of treatment for it?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I was diagnosed with depression in March '10. I went on a antidepressants for about 6 weeks, but the side effects were to much and I quit taking them. I realized in late July that I needed to get back on them and tried a different one. In Oct '10, I started IC.
I feel bad for not trying a different AD sooner. I feel guilt for not starting IC sooner too. I blame myself for where my M is. I know I need to get over that.
Things are much better, for the most part, with the depression.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
