Oh Beatrice, you nailed it! Control! The last time I saw H in person he volunteered the info to me that the thing that causes his anger and his going "to his very dark side" was any time he felt he didn't have control/was losing control over any part of his life. I think due to the family dynamic and abuse situation he never developed the ability to control his own life or destiny. He "thinks" he is gaining it now, but all he learned to do was say no to the marriage. He still can't say no to anything else. Ex.: he told me that he didn't plan to get his own place because the guy he lives with didn't want him to leave. The guy he lives with gets 500 bucks a month for putting an extra person in an empty room. Of COURSE he doesn't want him to leave. But they aren't even close.
The other side of this is the gaining of parental approval that he never had in childhood because his parents were so awful. He told me "of course my mom LOVES OW". Yeah. Because I was very educated and smart and didn't want kids and was up front about that, she always hated me. But OW, well she is young and not so bright, and her claim to fame was being a former VERY small state beauty pageant winner, and she hasn't been honest about not wanting kids to his mom. So his mom is running arond saying NOW she will finally get grandkids out of my H. (H says it isn't happening...we'll see if he caves on that one to please another).
I think it's sad. He can't take control except against the one he demonized: Me. And he is still looking for mommie to finally love him. She won't. She just loves his gf.
When we were first together, he always said that NEVER would he want to bring home a woman his mom liked because that would mean there was something really wrong with the woman. Now it's all he is about.
What he's not getting is that he still can't make his parents love him. They aren't capable. There are families you can gain all over the world who aren't blood-related. His energies are misdirected and I think someday he will face a big fall.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
