losing my mind?

[HRT]

Hi ZG,
In her defense I do know that she is hurting. She lost her best friend to cancer. She lost her dog "who was like her kid" since she never had any. And she started drinking again. Which is something we never did together but she has a 20 year drinking history before she met me.

On December 30th I sent her a short email saying Happy New Year and told her I think about her everyday. Which I do. She sent me one back that sameday saying- "I miss you, I miss you everyday. I hope You, the dog and my kid are ok. Hope you have a happy new year" I haven't responded to this email. I'm not sure how to respond anyway? She basicly said the samething in her last email to me.

So, I'm not quite sure how to proceed from here? She knows how I feel. I don't want to start all the pursuing again. I know she had to be surprised that I sent NOTHING on Christmas. I didn't get anything neither, and wasn't expecting to.

I think she is lost. I think that alot of things have happened to her and she cannot deal with them. So like she told me months ago "I cannot deal with my feelings, so I just want to escape" I guess that's where the drinking helps her, at least she thinks it does. She also told me that "when she thinks about me she gets really upset, that's why she tries to just avoid me" .............So let me get this right, she avoids me because to think about me is too upsetting, but she says she misses me everyday?...go figure, can anyone make sense out of that?

I cannot seem to get any advice from the people that I see giving the most advice on other threads, not quite sure why that is? Is this situation that messed up and bad that no-one wants to bother? lol...can't say I blame ya's...sux to be me.

Thanks for the support ZG. Hope you are doing well.

[Denver_2010]

HRT - I'm really sorry that things haven't improved for you over the past few weeks. I haven't been on here much longer than you, so I'm probably not the best person to be giving out advice. I will say this though, YOU can NOT change the choices that your wife is making right now. This includes her drinking and her living with EH. All YOU can do is work on YOU.

I read on one of your previous posts, that you are trying to GAL but that motivation is hard to come by. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say something that you may not want to hear. But if you are unmotivated to go live your life, be successful, and be something that you W will miss and want to be with, why would your W ever come back?

Chances are, your W is lost and unhappy, and it sounds like her EH is a real piece of work... in a bad way. Go things that will make YOU someone that will make your W look in the mirror and say, "WTF am I doing here drinking with EH when I am married to HRT?" As many have said on here, the only way to do that really is if you are doing it for yourself though. Go GAL and be happy... with or without your W.

I know that this is easier said than done man. I haven't come close to mastering this idea. But I have found that things with me have gotten better and better each day (for the most part) when I have at least forced myself to try and be focused on me.

[HRT]

I know that this is easier said than done man. I haven't come close to mastering this idea. But I have found that things with me have gotten better and better each day (for the most part) when I have at least forced myself to try and be focused on me.

You are so right Denver. Especially what you say here about FORCING yourself to focus on yourself. I have to force myself to do positive things. Its easy to get wrapped up in self pity. Unproductive and unhealthy, but easy to do when everything seems so bleak.

Yeah EH is a piece of work. He is 13 years older than her. (56) He is also a proffesor at a major college. She told me that while they were married they eventually became "drinking buddies" nothing more. They do have that common bond though.

Maybe I shouldn't be married? I don't know. I know that there is a reason why no-one in my family has ever had a good solid relationship. It's our upbringing. I'm not sure how to explain this on here other than to say "my mom changed lifestyles when we were kids" and we never had the luxury of a mother and FATHER figure in the home. besides that, there was always lots of turmoil in moms relationships.

It hasn't been an easy road for me. My sons mom died from leukemia when he was 6. He is now 19. It seems like I always end up with women that are unhealthy or abusive in one form or another.

I moved from Philadelphia to WV to get my son out of the schools in Philly. I have a sister who is an Artist that has lived in WV for 15 years. I have never really been happy here. felt more like a fish out of water.

I met my W on a dating internet site. We jumped right into a R. She moved in with me and one day we went to the courthouse and got married. No plans, just up and did it. All within 3 months of first meeting. I read on here about being friends again with your S. We were never friends before we started a relationship and M. I have problems with this. It seems like we are either going to be married and work on the marriage or we have nothing. Maybe this is the wrong mindset?

My W does have her own set of problems. An eating disorder. Clinicly diagnosed depressed, a drinking history, and I'm not quite sure whats up with her and her father?

Look, there is alot to this situation that hasn't been discussed. Alot about ME too. I had an addiction to pain meds. I was justifying taking them on injuries I have from a past motorcycle accident.

When my W best friend comitted suicide in June (he was dying from brain cancer) she started drinking again, her EH is the one that found her friend and drug him out of the woods where he took what he called his Kevorkian pack. She came home and started a fight with me. She told me she was moving back to her home state and used my addiction to the pain meds as an excuse. I went into treatment in June and I haven't touched the stuff since.

Upon returning from treatment she wouldn't see me. After about 6 weeks we started dating on weekends and had really good times together. She kept telling me dates that she would move back home but always had an excuse when that time came.

At first I didn't know she was drinking everyday again. She just ridiculed me for my accomplishments. Finally she admitted the drinking to me.

The middle of September she actually brought clothes back to the house. She assured me she would be moving back in a week later. A week later she had another excuse and told me, if I couldn't accept what she wanted to do that I should just "leave her alone" needless to say we got into an arguement over this and we haven't spoken on the phone since. And there have been very few emails.

She made a comment to me about 6 weeks ago (in an email) that while I was on the pain meds she felt like she at least knew who I was. Now she doesn't even know me. How can we build on that? She also told me that she wished she never told me to go get help. I think its because it wasn't about ME and my addiction to pain meds. It was about what she wanted to do. Drink and hang with the EH.

When I came home from getting the help I needed, I found out she was living with EH. Needless to say this made me unhappy. She eventually moved into an Apt that her father gave her (he owns the Apt complex) Now that she has given up on the marriage I know she is back to living with the EH.

Her father is another story all in its own. Like I said, he is a lawyer with his own firm. I never met him. I do know that he has never approved of anyone that has ever been involved with my W. And as she has told me, some of the men from her past were very successful (career wise) A proffessor, An engineer and a PA (Physicians Assistant) but her dad viewed them all as losers just for being with her.

As for me, I am on disability for the injuries I obtained in a motorcycle accident. I can't sugar coat anything and I have to be honest here. When my sons mother died from leukemia it was convienient for me to be able to collect disability and take care of him. I personally, and it is just my personal opinion do not think success is defined by your job, how much money you make etc. Having never been truely happy and having inner peace I'm not sure how to define success anyway.

Me and my W come from different backrounds. She is a college graduate with a bachelors degree. I am a high school dropout. I did get my G.E.D. She was in Law school. I am on disability. I did apply to go back to school here. I am waiting on my G.E.D. transcript to finalize my financial aid. I was really trying to GAL. having my car in a hit and run has set me back. I couldn't even keep my therapist appointment yesterday. I should have a car again in the next couple days.

I don't know anymore? I really don't. I could ramble for hours here. Sometimes I don't blame W for staying away. Neither of us are from WV. Neither of us had connections here. Or liked it here. You mention being successful Denver...what exactly is that? I own my home. No mortgage. Its beautiful, beautifully furnished. I own my Harley, I own my Mustang (as messed up as it is now) I do have a steady income. As meager as it is I don't long for anything. I have good qualities. I am a caring person. I learned to do alot of things early on when my sons mom died, cook, clean etc etc etc. But I have my issues too. One of them is trust. I have trust issues with women. Without going into details I know this is from experiences with one of my mothers lovers when I was a child.

I don't want to be confusing here. I would give my W compliments daily. Affection daily. But when I was hurt by her I would say things that I ALWAYS regretted later and never meant. When I was hurt I would hurt back by saying mean things. I know that I have to change this pattern.

Sometimes I wonder why I think about her so much? I never felt like the M meant much to her. She really didn't contribute much. I paid all the bills, bought all the food, (I do beleive that a man should do this) did my own laundry, cleaned, cooked more than she did, etc. I would ask her at times when we would argue, what do you do for me? her answer would be-I give you companionship. I guess I took that for granted. All I know right now is that she is the first thing that I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think of laying in bed at night trying to go to sleep. Truth is that we hardly ever fought when we were together. We genuinely liked being in each others company.

I am sorry for Rambling here. I don't know if they will post this? I have to be honest though and give some backround information to get any sound advice. Its not like I don't know that I should focus on myself. I am trying. I feel like I have done alot to save this M while W has done nothing.

Someone said to me, maybe your W purpose in your life has been accomplished. For you to get off the pain meds. Yes, I did it to save my M. But there was also alot of desire on my part or I wouldn't be continuing on that path. If it was just for the M I would have went back to that lifestyle months ago.

So, as you see there is alot involved here. I know that my W tells me she loves me. She has never brought up D. I have made threats and actually looked into it. Its not what I want though. I don't even know what to do when it comes to W anymore? I really don't. Like I said, she told me in her email that she misses me everyday. The truth is that I miss her everyday too. I really do. Sometimes I wish that I didn't. But I do. I feel an emptiness in my heart without her. Life can really be complicated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

HRT

[Denver_2010]

HRT - Haven't heard from you in a while. You still around?

[HRT]

Hi Denver,
Yes, I have been reading the boards and keeping up with your SITCH. I am not sure what happened? But I have found a degree of acceptance and peace with with my SITCH.

Today is my first day of college. I almost backed out but one thing kept going through my mind. That was GAL! I guess I can thank these boards for that.

My W sent me an email lastnight. She basicly said she wishes we had the opportunity to get to know who we really were, are. And she will always wonder about that. She also said she was glad I was going to school and having new experiences.

Thanks for your interest Denver.