Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[Denver_2010]

Denver, I appreciate your honesty, I know you're telling me all this with great intentions. But wow, my heart just hit the floor!

Sorry. I was giving you my honest assessment.

You might be on to something in some ways.

H is in sales, mortgage sales / banking. It's all about ego. Yes, he's about bigger, better, nicer stuff than his friends. Or rather, he used to be before the market crashed. His entire world has collapsed in the past 3 years. He's said many times that "losing it all made me appreciate everything more", jokes about his old days of driving really expensive cars. We live in a nice house (barely holding on it) in a very nice neighborhood. It's keeping up with the Joneses on steroids here. Most of his old friends have drifted away - they still have money. I guess it makes it uncomfortable for them. He finally gave up the golf club membership last month. We've never been able to afford to keep it up but I never really bugged him about it because golf was his only outlet. But yes, that's the lifestyle. Money, power, stuff. Now he's having to find himself again after losing it all but still being surrounded by other people who are enjoying the lifestyle he's lost. He used to pride himself on having the coolest, newest toys. The nicest car. His self worth was wrapped up in what he owned.... I figured that out after we got married and watch the confident man I fell in love with turn into this guy. His ego is very bruised.

Sounds to me like this is the crux of your issue.

H has also said lately that he's seeing wrinkles and now he has gray hair. I think his own mortality has hit him. I think this could be a MLC but I don't want to jump to conclusions there. He was working out more in December and early January(when he was on the dating site). He hasn't worked out in the past week. I'm relieved at that... gives me a bit of hope he's not trying to buff up for a new woman. He's not changed his hair or shaved off his mustache. He's not dressing different and can't afford a new sportscar.

I don't know much about MLC bc I haven't read much about it bc doesn't apply to my sitch (at least I don't think it does). I'd go over to the MLC thread and see what JackThreeBeans and some of the other vets in that forum think.

What you said, Denver, about "checking out"... his exact words to me when we talked about the dating site. That he "checked out and was done with the marriage" and that's why he joined the site. So when I read what you wrote, it hit me hard.

Don't put too much into me saying those exact words. All of our WAS's have said something similar if not exactly the same. My point was, that if he is like I was, he is in a state where he has one foot out the door and one foot in. When he was on the dating sites, he was 'checked out', when he's being distant, he's 'checked out'... but you are also seeing the foot that is in the door... he's just confused in his head. Part of him wants to stay checked out of the M and the other part of him wants to be happy with you.

What I don't understand is how we seemed happy over Christmas when he was "checked out". We ML, we laughed, we had fun, we talked a lot. I thought we were getting closer. How could I have been so wrong? The whole time he was on the dating site. So how do I trust my instincts now? How do I trust his behavior now? How do I believe his e-mail last week that he loves me, only me and doesn't want a divorce and not feel like maybe it's not true? And if this is all about ego... how do I fight that?

You can't trust his behavior or words right now. IMO. See my answer immediately above. He is having an internal struggle. You are seeing both sides, and they are alternating. This is more a battle in his head than it is bw you and he.

How do you fight his ego? I'm really not sure Hope. You have to appeal to the part of him that wants to be happy with you and in M. That means continue to give him reasons to push that other part of him away. You can help his 'good' side in the battle by just not contributing to his doubt. It's like he has a devil on one shoulder (his ego) and an angel on the other (his true self). You have to provide weapons to the angel.

This is what my W did not know how to do. And again, I don't blame her. How could she. She is human and has never dealt with this before. But she fed the devil on my shoulder bc she became angry and distant, justifiably. I don't know if any of this is making sense or is applicable to you. Sorry if not.

Question for you, Denver, on your R.... how do you know that you want your W back because of her and not because your ego is hurt from her leaving you?

I think that, in part, it is. Like SBH said, we men all have some of that in us. But it is not the main reason. I want my W back bc I love her for just being who she is. Bc I can't imagine living my life without her in it. I can't imagine not working towards the dreams that we have had together. Bc I can't imagine not growing old with her. Bc I can't imagine putting our shared memories in a box someplace in the back of my mind. I can't imagine those memories losing importance in my life. Bc I can't imagine not making new shared memories with her. Bc I know how in love with her I felt when I knelt down and proposed to her while tears came down my face. And how in love with her I felt when she walked down the aisle and how she was the most beautiful woman I had EVER laid eyes on. How proud that I have been, even in bad times, that she was my W and I was her H.