A slow turn

[Harrier]

tjack.

I get what you are saying, but I think there are people who do overcome their spouse working with the OM.
Also, I don't know if my wife was at the level of connectedness to this guy that your's was. Your's is a heartbreaking tale and one i'm scared of. But There are ton of details that you don't know about my situation.

I can't make her quit her job. I can't do that. 1. She wouldn't and 2. if I could some how she'd resent me for the rest of my life and I'd lose her anyway.
This isn't some 9-5 space filler she goes to. She went to school for nearly 20 years to get where she is at. She has her Ph.D. This her dream job. if I could even take that away, she'd hate me for it.

I'd love for her to quit the job, but I think it's a fools errand in some ways because just because someone quits a job doesn't mean that the won't feel connected. Like your W, do you think she would have automatically stopped her feelings just because they weren't working? it sounds like it was so strong that she felt she couldn't overcome it. With technology today, temptation is just a phone call, text or email away...even if they don't work with them. I mean there are couple of SAHM's on here who had EA or PAs. People who had EA with OP thousands of miles away.

I do get what you are saying though.

I don't know what Hartley's refers too.

[tjack45]

harrier,
No doubt your W probably didn't have that type of connection that mine did, so it could be different. Hartley wrote his needs/ her needs and runs Marriage Builders. He has excellent advice regarding Affairs. I understand your point that connections don't go away just because you don't interact with someone. I guess that is the risk you take. Honesty and Openness are essentials. She has to be able to show you that you are the one she trusts. My W couldn't tell me her feelings, she couldn't say when she was thinking of him.... All that crap builds in their head and they can't get it out even though they don't want it there. My W had her dream job. She was 32 years old making 6 figures.. Ceo of hospital... She would have quit her job... she was that committed. Everything happens for a reason though.

[Harrier]

tjack,

I read up on your situation and I didn't realize it was so fresh. I'm sorry that you are going through this. It really is a kick in the gut.
I hope you are able to truly find love again.

[tjack45]

thanks,
actually doing really well. meeting a lot of new people, trying new hobbies...D will be done 2-3-11. I will come out really well financially.. Kids are adjusting well... It could be a lot worse. I will make this into the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Bolt]

maybe you guys can help me through this.
The W left to go back to her hometown yesterday. She had this planned for about 2 months and initially used it to see friends. She had a 20 year reunion this past summer that she didn't go to.

Well, she started texting an old friend the middle of last month. And the texts have gotten out of hand. I'm talking hundreds a day. She has always told me about them and assures me that this is a friend and that he's more like a chick than anything. Still, I don't like it and I told her about her texting instead of hanging out with the family and my daughters.

She stopped doing it in front of us but didn't stop texting. I saw the records and saw just how many texts there were. It made me want to throw up. I called her sister and was SURE there was an A going on. Her sister won't put up with that and called her out on it. The W got super mad. She's never been so mad. I was checking up on her and she insisted that he was a friend. She said he's not her type and that she wasn't attracted to him.

Well, now she is where he lives. The trip was planned a few months ago like I said but was it only to see him? I'm not sure. I've been checking the texts and they have been non-stop. She had a layover that was delayed. Instead of texting me, her H, she texted this guy - for almost the entire delay.

To top things off, she is going out tonight with a few friends, him included. She has even hinted that he may be the only one.

Am I going crazy paranoid?

[2stepboogie]

Paranoid? I don't want to make this worse but I would say no

[MrBond]

No you're not paranoid. Have you read the texts? If she had nothing to hide, she wouldn't think twice about letting you do so.

[Bolt]

so then what's the next step.
She'll show me some of the texts but not all of them.

She met with him last night and even texted me that she was out with her "boyfriend". She does this because we have been joking about it. I have a dude friend who texts me and she calls him my "boyfriend."

I've chatted quite a bit with her mother about this and she assures me that there is nothing going on as well.

I'm just so confused and hurt. I am going to tell her the texting needs to stop if she respects this relationship. Should I wait for her to come home or do it today on the phone or email?

Last night was the most agonizing night of my life. Just when I think things are getting better, I have these thoughts...

now this morning she isn't there for our kids' morning phone call...jeez, am I blind?

[Denver_2010]

Bolt - You are NOT being paranoid. Man, sounds to me like you have an EA here. JMO.

[Bolt]

ok...I keep going back and forth because she insists this guy isn't her type. Her mom is convinced that she is not having an EA. She flat out asked her and W said that not only was she not interested but she didn't want to deal with all of the baggage that comes with a new relationship.

She also told her mom that she wants ours to work. She's not sure it is but she wants it to.

I ended up talking to her today and she sounded upbeat and was asking ME about our R. We are planning on a move and she wants to know my feelings about it. I think deep down, she feels I don't want to move. It feels like a test.

I point blank asked her if she wanted the R to work and she said that sometimes it's different by the day. Most days she wants it to work but then other days WHEN I DO something that shows to her that I haven't changed, she's not sure she wants to.

I have to say, I don't believe there is something going on...yet. I told her that I didn't like it that the conversations are going on. I told her I trusted and believed her. I also said that I didn't believe or trust him. It's funny because she basically said, that I had to meet him to see that he is nowhere close to her type. She honestly looks at him as a chick with a guy's perspective. She has said on many occasions that he gives her perspective into me and the he is my biggest champion.

Guys, my wife has never lied to me in the past and we've been very open about everything in our lives. I flat out have to trust her and need some support on this.

What I am going to do when she comes home is have a heart to heart about the texts and tell her that if she truly wants to make this R work, she has to stop texting him.

Thoughts about that?