I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

I responded to the text with something like "That would be part of the final settlement, but I haven't seen a final proposal."

In my head I've been playing with all the various ways she may respond and I think I've come up with a good catch-all response.

"Why not just get the divorce finished?"

The text stirred up the old familiar feelings. I'd gotten caught up in the old hopes that since nothing was happening perhaps something was changing. I should know better, but I still can't control my emotions well enough.

I still don't want a divorce. Nearly two years of separation and even a fling and I still feel it can work if we just work at it.

Luckily, I had a basketball game to work at tonight. That took my mind off things. Then I went shopping -- I have the girls this weekend -- for some extra food.

Then at home my mind started to spin again so I downloaded one of my favorite sermons from my church and am listening to it while typing.

I keep feeling stronger and I'm better at just focusing two weeks at a time -- budget reasons -- and know as I get through each one I'm one step on the ladder out of the abyss. Still, when the end comes I'm going to be a mess that day.

I'm a lot better at not letting this stuff affect me around the girls. A lot of it is having my own house -- even if it is a rental. Now, we can be loud and laugh and kick the soccer ball and jump from couch to couch. Wednesday night, I was thinking how free it was to be here.

It was even a little freeing not to have to worry about STBXW and her moods. I'd be playing with the girls and bouncing a ball, or playing hide and seek, or wrestling with them and she'd quietly say I shouldn't be doing that or please be quiet or she's trying to watch a show.

D8 said something that really made me sad yesterday. I forget how the conversation got started, but she said STBXW and I should just stay separated and not get divorced. She said when we're divorced then I'm not dad anymore. I tried to tell her that mom will always be mom and dad will always be dad, but she said we won't be a family anymore.

The conversation didn't bother me much because I was caught up in the "well, nothing is happening so maybe ..." And then the text tonight. D8 and D11 don't want this divorce, perhaps even more than me.