A slow turn

[Bolt]

ok guys, I feel I'm at a bit of a crossroads.

For the past 4 days (I know it's only 4), things have been pretty great. I got a kiss for no reason, a few touches here and there and a very receptive partner. She's fun to be around and is even feeling sexier - even around me. We still haven't ML in over a month (we usually never went more than a week without for our entire R) and she doesn't say ILY. That's all good because I'm DBing.

However, we did talk about the R yesterday before she left for a week break - she's visiting old friends and looking for a job near family. This is something that we have discussed so I don't feel that she's making plans to leave.

But something was said in the conversation that just punched me in the gut. She doesn't know how she feels about the R. I get a sense that she's very afraid of tearing that wall down because I've hurt her so many times in the past (I was unaware that I did but nonetheless) that I think she's afraid that this "new me" is temporary.

I mentioned that to her. I said that I can feel her coming back and wanting to tear down that wall and let me back in but that I can also sense her being defensive and not letting it happen.

What should I do in that situation? The one aspect that I have changed in myself is to be much more thoughtful. I guess when I look back at it (recently, the last few weeks) I have been pursuing. BUT I do that because I DIDN'T do that in the past. I want to show how I've changed.

It seems that she is very receptive to it. She likes the notes and the thoughtful things I do for her. I'm very afraid to stop doing that now for the fear that she will think that I've regressed back to the old self.

One last thing. We are committed to this move. A move that will definitely hamper my career but I'm OK with that because I want our R to work. I know I'm working on myself but if I choose myself (re: the job) then I know the R is over. It's just a choice I have to make.

She keeps saying that she can't promise that things will work out in the future. I get that totally. I have to prove my change and even then, it may be too late.

But she said something that seemed odd. She said, you never know. You may find someone when we move that rocks your world and gives you what you need.

I wasn't sure how to handle that question so I said the following: I can't say that opportunity couldn't come up but because of my commitment to this relationship, I will run as far as I can from that temptation. That is not where I am in my life right now and have no interest in pursuing anything outside of our relationship.

She seemed touched by that and almost cried...did I do the right thing?

I'm very confused and now have a whole week without her to keep busy and find me. I'm not going to text/call her. I'm leaving that on her. BUT she did give me a giant hug and a kiss (on the cheek albeit) when I dropped her off at the airport. She made a point to show me that she was wearing the ring too before she left.

anyway...I'm rambling because I want to stay on the path and feel I am. These days feel like weeks...

[Denver_2010]

I think that Harrier was talking pre-sitch with that text/FB story, right Harrier?

I agree with you on the emotions thing Tjack. That is an interesting story about how your W got jealous and was back within the month. How does the story end? I haven't read your thread.

[Harrier]

tjack.

My W had an EA through September 2010 - November 2010. She fully admits it was a huge mistake and has apologized repeatedly and really wants to work on the M. She is really optimistic that we can recover. The EA was a reaction to my emotional issues during 2010, which was not a great year.
She does want to be with me, but just has to work through some things.
It's hard because she does some work with the OM. I know she's trying to do the right thing now.

Denver is right this was years ago before my situation developed. At that time, my marriage was awesome and I did not do it to let her control me. I did it because I knew it bothered her and I wanted to show her I'd put her feelings first. I think it's something you kinda do in marriage.

One of the best things about my situation and my wife is that she NEVER tried to rewrite the history of our marriage. She'd be the first to tell you that it was awesome.

[Harrier]

to Add ...

My wife's EA was kinda unique though. Like I said no massive texting (1-2/day), no long phone calls or phone calls outside of work hours, no secret rendezvous, they only worked together 1/day week for a few hours and she didn't withdraw from me at all during the EA. But there was no question it was an EA though.

[tjack45]

Harrier,
My advice if you are going to work on it is that she cannot work with/ or around him.... This was the ultimate downfall of my relationship... Due to financial reasons, my W couldn't leave her job, OM didn't leave either... Yep, right back together after 6 months.. I did hear conflicting advice in this, but my advice to anybody trying to reconcile, their is no question that OM/OW is absolutely no part of their life going forward... Reconciling is very hard in the first place and most of the time if contact is kept, well the end is inevitable.

[tjack45]

"Denver is right this was years ago before my situation developed. At that time, my marriage was awesome and I did not do it to let her control me. I did it because I knew it bothered her and I wanted to show her I'd put her feelings first. I think it's something you kinda do in marriage."

Oh, so you did what a good husband would do and acted in a way that was out of respect for your wife's feelings.... Good for you. Best of luck to you. Just remember, if/when you begin piecing, you need to be in charge of the efforts.

[Harrier]

Thanks tjack. I feel like cr@p.

It is simply not possible for her to not work with him or around him. However, the situation is a little different. They don't work together on a daily basis. He is like consultant and comes in 1 day a week and she doesn't always see him. Both are working in a group that works on a specific project, but it's not one-on-one and that will be limited.
Also, she used to work 1 day a week at his office and she quit doing that and quit texting, phone calls and emails.
It's not ideal for me, but honestly given things (her job is very specialized/ the economy), she is really doing the most she can do.

[Denver_2010]

Harrier,
My advice if you are going to work on it is that she cannot work with/ or around him.... This was the ultimate downfall of my relationship... Due to financial reasons, my W couldn't leave her job, OM didn't leave either... Yep, right back together after 6 months.. I did hear conflicting advice in this, but my advice to anybody trying to reconcile, their is no question that OM/OW is absolutely no part of their life going forward... Reconciling is very hard in the first place and most of the time if contact is kept, well the end is inevitable.

Tjack - thanks for posting that advice. This is something that I've wondered about if W and I ever get to the piecing stage. I think that this is very good advice.

[tjack45]

Harrier,
this strictly taken from my experience.... When W came back to me she was 100% COMMITTED to loving me and making up for what she did... More than anything in the world she wanted to make it work with me.... I did absolutely everything that a good husband would do... took her breath away with surprises, we spent lots of quality time together... communication was solid (although she wasn't completely honest with me) we went on weekly date night.. finances were good...family life was amazing...She was completely happy except we just couldn't connect emotionally even though I poured my heart out to her...she couldn't reciprocate. Why u ask...

Because you can only be CONNECTED with 1 person at a time. Despite her best efforts to shut him out, try to block him from her life, be cold to him...she did her best. After 4 months she couldn't fight her feelings because they can't change when they are always tempted... Affairs are very much like drugs.. Read on the internet people that are stuck in the tangled webs of affairs.. they know what is right, but they just can't do the right thing... It FEELS to good to let go.... Read Hartley's extraordinary precautions to stay away from the affair partner. It is the only way I can see reconciliation can take place.

If I could do it over, I would have made her quit her job...lost the house...whatever, it took. I honestly feel that we had 0% chance of making it work without complete separation from him.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Bolt,
First, let me congratulate you on your progress. That is AWESOME, man!! I am so happy for you. Feels good, doesn't it? Just continue to play it cool. For the past two weeks, I have done all I can during the brief interactions with my W to be kind, gentle, caring and understanding. Now, don't get me wrong. I have stood my ground at times and I am willing to defend myself and my position, but I only do that when I feel it is really, really necessary to do so.

Otherwise, it sounds like you are doing great. Keep it up. Keep her guessing at all times. Somewhere on here I read the best thing yet to date. I am sorry I can't give credit to the author, but I just don't remember. In a nutshell, they stated, "Your WAS has spent some time carefully planning out their departure. In their minds they have it all figured out. They will drop the bomb, you will cry, beg, plead, get angry, act like an *ss and do all the things they want and expect. Then they can carelessly walk away from you feeling completely justified in their actions. So, your job is to, as politely and kindly as possible, ABSOLUTELY DESTROY THAT PLAN TO THE POINT THAT IT CAN BE CARRIED OUT!!! When you DB, it completely pulls the rug out from under them and they end up questioning why things are not going to plan. If you are lucky, they end up questioning what they are doing altogether. Then, the healing can begin."

Cool advice, huh? Now, here comes the next difficult step. This is where i am right now. "Watch and Monitor." Pay very careful attention to what she says going forward. There will be messages within the things they are saying. Look for them. Don't over-analyze the crap out of everything like I do, but really listen when she interacts with you and then post some of what you think you heard here. We can comment on this if we have experienced the same thing.

Bolt, keep posting. I am so excited for you. You really seem to be doing well. Remember, a win for a member is a win for all of us!!!

B.I.T.S.

FOBD