I appreciate so much you sharing your story of pain and growth.Reading it is an affirmation of my experience, and I learn much from reading your honest words.
I am a returning member here, having gone through this in 1998 (married in 91, like you) and again over the last year. Our spouses seem to have similar issues although this time there is not another person involved (at least not yet). My H has decided once again that he doesn't want to be married and that if he is free that will solve all his problems. I am not sure now if he is in MLC (10 years seems a long time) or if it is a personality disorder. I have stood by him to help him be the best he can and work through his demons, just as you have.
Ultimately, it was not enough, and I am tired of the rollercoaster. Each time he has said this, I let him go (at least on the surface while I DB'd). He would come back asking to try again, guilt, love, missing his son all reasons he returned, but he could never sustain it.
Finally, I am really letting go of the outcome like you. I have to let go and although I know he is troubled and hurt me so much, if I am honest with myself, I do love him still (I don't want to and wish I didn't). I'm not at the place to have that conversation with him, but it wont be long. He will come back asking to try again - I know it. I have used my anger to deliberately get him to leave me alone for good. It very well may work, but it doesn't matter. I have to be done so I can be healthy.
I am an optimistic person, and happy in spite of what he has done. I cannot allow him to bring me down anymore, as much as I love him and want our family to be whole.
Letting go is hard. Thank you for sharing your work on it here for others to learn from. I truly appreciate it.
