Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[Queen_of_Swords]

Hiya SC.

I've been around awhile and my reputation is one of a soft touch. I try to get my point across gently. But I am not above laying it on the line when I have to.

So, here goes.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Here's the thing. You have to have the mindset that you are doing all this first and foremost for you because dbing is a way to live your life. And somtimes a marriage also gets saved.

I understand that completely. Initially I started my program and DBing to help my marriage, that's true.
I am now in the second year of my program and actively trying to DB. I now know it was about my dysfunctional thinking/ behaviour/reactions and how we flip each other's levers and sprial downward where we both feel hurt and abused.

I am also am coming to the conclusion my marriage is not salvagable. I am not hopeful at the outcome. Not with all the resentment and grudges my H harbours toward me, and what posters are indicating here. Frankly I feel like just throwing up my hands and saying F*ck it every other day, it seems that hopeless.

So, with that mindset, it's important to first look way inside. I understand you are in a program to address your issues. And that's great.

But on a much simpler scale, take a look at what your h wrote. Now you can put a positive spin on it if you want and that's ok. But in doing that, you arent really hearing what he is trying to tell you.

Ok then please tell me what I'm missing. Because frankly what I hear is and yes it's MY interpretation of what he wrote:
" You're to blame. This is all your own darned fault and I just absolutely had to leave. I couldn't stand it anymore. I felt trapped.
You are a horrible individual, you go out of your way to hurt me, are difficult to live with, a ball breaker, unkind, aggressive, control freak, inflexible, Mussolini, masculine woman that has about as much sex appeal as an ironing board. I dislike you, and what you do. I fear you. You diminish me and devalue me. You treat me like a child. You're about as much fun as a boil on the butt. I reject you, I reject you, I reject you. Goodbye Toots"

Listen, it's hard to hear how they feel. But, if you take it and use it to propel you forward on your journey, well, then it's a good thing.

So, do some real soulsearching. Dig in deep. It's hard but so worth it.

Ok, now a little tap. I hear, in your post, a little bit of annoyance on your part regarding what he wrote. Now, dont get me wrong, your reaction is normal.

That's not annoyance, that's raw pain.

But, if you want to really have the best shot at saving your marriage and more importantly, finding yourself, you have to put your ego on the backburner and get ready to get your hands dirty.

Figure out what kind of person you want to be. What characteristics and traits you want to have. And each day,be that person.

I already have. Calm, serene, confident and assertive with good boundaries. Someone who is already much as I am but in control of her emotions and behaviour. A someone whose buttons can't be easily pushed, a person slow to anger and can choose how to react, not just react unthinkingly on autopilot. Someone not co-dependant. Someone not so divided that she either falls apart emotionally or has to switch to someone purely analytical ad unemotional to cope with life.

Put your marriage safely in a box and put it on a shelf.

My marriage is dead. I know that. What was is gone. What is to be? I have no clue. But given he's been gone 16 months now, I suspect he is truly finished with me. Look I'm 49 years old. Statistically my chances are not good not for this relationship, not to gain a new one.

I have been, thanks.

[quote=Brooklyn]And SC, reach for the stars. Try to get to real happiness and fulfillment without regard to your h.

Ok, now, get to gettin".

I can see them, but my arms are too short at the moment, and I don't remember carefree or happy.