Lighthouse lit till WAW comes out of fog.

[sandi2]

This has confused me. Everyone tells us to not try and show stuff like this to our wives, but everytime I watch or read something from MWD, she tells us to try and show it to them.

I haven't seen those videos, but I know in reading Michele's DR book that she says things so nicely that it's often easy for me to miss the message.

This is what I have noticed during the time I've been on the board, I do not remember one newcomer who wasn't past the point of convincing the S to read or watch any material (which in her book, I think Michele says not to do if in the LRT), plus so many newcomers have a S who is having an A and isn't willing to end it.

From the VP of a WAW who was in an A, I believe it is pursuing to try to get your S to engage in any marital help, including MC, if they aren't willing to drop contact with OP. I think you hurt your own cause by insisting. But, I will also add...that's my opinion and what I've read here on the board.

One uses different techniques when in LRT than from when in Piecing. Maybe that is what seems confusing to some. I think what Denver said describes it well.

I'm not a vet on the board yet, but I think that it depends on the stage you are at in DBing. Habit, MJ, you guys, along with me, are in LRT. Our W's are not working on M. Therefore, showing them this stuff is pressuring and pursuing. If, when, we get them to that stage of working on M, then we can start sharing with them things that help BUILD the M.

If I had not been "warned" by the mods to watch how I say things to board members, then maybe I would have continued to miss something here. You'll notice dbmod says that we need to find solutions that will bring more love into the R? That has been a challenge for me. I can talk all day with a board member but at the end....have I actually given any ideas for a solution that will bring more love into his/her M? Tough, huh?

You see, I was a part of that group that talked tough love and boundaries, etc. I still believe it 100% and am not backing up on it. But after I began listening with a better pair of ears to what dbmod was trying to point out to us...then I saw what I wasn't doing. Yes, you can bust an A, you can expose to the whole world.....but will it save your M? That is why I may ask what is your goal? What's the most important matter of all? If it is respect or full transparency, etc.....then you may not have what it takes to DB and want to A bust instead. See what I mean? And before you go shouting out your boundaries to a WAS, you better be prepared to enforce the consequences if broken (and many discovered they couldn't do it).

We aren't all alike and what I experienced or how I think and do things may not work for the next person. That was brought to my attention by dbmod, also. I didn't like it much, but maybe I grew a little bit when I started thinking more about it. I used to get upset b/c I thought Michele should be tougher. Some former members even used the term "Little Bo Peep" for some DBing methods (or actions by the newcomer). I'll admit that I often thought it too. Some things are still "weak" behaviors to me personally....but that is "my" nature...doesn't mean everyone is exactly like me. So, what I'm trying to learn as I go forward is to realize that a newcomer has to know what they are willing and capable of doing. What their biggest desire is--and then try to help see if we can figure out what they can do to change things for them.

I read something that Bond wrote a few days ago. He was telling someone that nobody could tell them when it was time to move on or when they would know when it was time for anything.....only they would know that. He said that you just "know" when. I think that's pretty sound advice. It's not our job, or any one's, to push a person to do particular things that we might label as DBing.

Sorry about that! Must have been on my heart. Now, what was the question?