Ok, so I know this post is going to get me smacked by my BITS buddies and others but here goes...
Do you get to the point where you cannot recognize the "signs" anymore? Do you get so confounded that you just can't figure any of it out? Do you get to the point where your #1 priority is preserving yourself and you miss the big picture?
I came home early today because of weather. I am alone thinking and I just realized I missed things. When my H talks about the divorce, it's always with an "if." "If we get a divorce..."
Two times now, after cutting off all physical contact, he's tried to hug me. He's showing up in my room and in my office starting up conversations about nothing. Last night instead of going up to his room, he stayed downstairs in the living room to watch tv and ultimately sleep. Today he offered to drive me home because he knows I'm afraid of the snow. He also came in to ask me if I wanted lunch and then asked if I wanted to take a ride with him to get lunch at McDonald's (I said that I couldn't). He's called me two nights in a row now to ask if I want anything for dinner (that had stopped). But I focus on: He's not in our bed, he doesn't kiss me goodbye, he told me last Saturday he's leaving and he had no hope for us, he's still erasing history on computer, he still sometimes gives me that pitiful smile like someone shot my dog...
I guess I just don't know what to think of any of this because it was just Saturday that he told me he was moving out. I don't trust my instincts anymore. I am trying to preserve myself first. Then I am also trying to stick to the program. I am always bubbly and friendly. I don't bring up R talks. I started wearing skirts again (showing off my weight loss). But I feel like I'm kind of deadening to the drama. I have lost perspective about whether these are good things or is he just being friendly because I asked if we could at least remain friends through this. I just don't have a clue anymore. I wrote down what I thought would be positive signs. I see some of them but given that he's a different person now, I don't have a clue anymore if they are positive signs.
What is wrong with me? Is this normal? How, when you're so emotionally fried, can you recognize if you have anything to work with anymore?
