Guys you all can go back and read my story. I was a mess to say the least. I thought my life was settled, spent half my life with this man and had a son. No one, and I mean NO ONE could tell me this man would leave his family! I would NOT have believed them. Listen.....they truly go thru something, MLC, walkaway spouse, whatever you want to call it, its a disease, a sickness! If this were not so, why would everyones story sound SO familiar?? Most of the time there is something that sets them on a path of destruction and they are gone, for how long, who knows. BUT the key is taking care of yourself. GO READ my story! I was in your shoes but prb worse, because I was mentally uncapable of handing it. I never even had to change a light bulb in my house, I was totally dependent on my husband! I knew nothing but honey I have come a LONG WAY! After two yrs and counting I am still learning to get my life back. Please dont expect to heal overnight. Alot of people on here will try to be harsh,,,,,,like i just did earlier, to wake you up! It's for your own good, but honestly they can tell you over and over and over again what you need to do, but until you finally realize and GIVE up trying to fix your spouse and trying to offer ANYHTING and do ANYTHING to fix your marriage, it goes thru one ear and out the other. I am a prime example of it. YOU and your family WILL survive, it is gonna take time and lots of time. If you can get your mind onto other things, it helps. Stay busy as much as possible, when you are not your mind will wonder. People tried to tell me this, they hollared and screamed, so to speak, but i kept asking the same questions over and over and over, trying to figure out what to do to help my situation. Until I finally gave up and gave it to the Lord! The ONLY one that can handle it! God is right there with you, lean on him. Ask God for peace, he will give you peace if you ask. Try to move on, door open if you want, but move. If he truly wants it to work, he will get the picture. He is sick and confused. Pray for him day and night, he needs it. This breaks my heart for you because I remember what it was like, except my husband was a walkaway mlcer. Thats what I titled him. In five months he remarried and has a newborn. AND NO he wasnt seeing the one he married when WE were married. He was messing with whatever YOUNG girl would have him. THEN he met this girl and she RULED his world, NOT ROCKED,,,,,RULED! She drags him around everywhere. He is not the same man, they never are. As Snodderly says, they are abducted by aliens. Please take care of yourself, this is NOT your fault or your prb. and you cant fix it. Vent here ALOT! and cry as much as you need to. I will pray for ALL of you. Just remember it takes TIME! Dont expect to heal overnight.
I love all of you...I went back to read my most recent posts and then reread everyones replies. Get more out of them when you reread them I think.
Feeling good today. Confident. My H has text me all day with chit chat...I take my time answering, roll my eyes when I see it is him AGAIN :-) (God I love that feeling! it used to be..."oh thank you thank you - he is thinking about me!) now it is almost silly how much he wants to stay connected to me. I give very quick breif answers IF I even text back. Sometimes the texts he sends doesn't warrent a reply.
Oh well, I was running the stairs of my office building (200 stairs) as this is my replacement exercise for my beloved hiking that is impossible to do right now because of the time of year. and I was thinking that my fear of being alone is starting to dwindle. I actually was thinking about what girlfriend was I going to call to go out with this weekend, where would we go and what would we do? It's exciting that I can do whatever I want. If I go to the bars this weekend, I can flirt as much as I want! It is super fun to flirt - had totally forgotten how. Have to admit, I am pretty good at it! :-)
Anyway, the events that I am planning at work are going great. They are going to be fabulous! A Masquerade Valentine Ball - it is our Gala event fundraiser for the year. I just bought my mask online today. and my dress is a full blown ball gown! my girls think I look like Bell from Beauty and the Beast. I will have 2 other single girlfriends my age at my table and we will have a wonderful time. Can't wait! Could care less that H won't be my date.
Happy Little Friday my Friends!!!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
This has got to stop being about the men. H, OM, single guys in bars you flirt with ...
That's what I keep hearing. When you feel strong you are referencing being "single" and flirting with whomever you please. You are still married last time I checked, and last time you updated us that was how you wanted to stay. I'm not saying don't live your life, or don't move FORWARD ... but there has to be more to it than the parts that relate to men...
This is supposed to be about YOU. Not you in relation to a man, or men ... YOU.
Fear of being alone is subsiding? Really? Really, really?
Hmmmmm?
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
what can I say...I am eternally driven to men? who the F knows?! Maybe it is the fact that I am craving sex? Never in my life have I been without, and to be honest it occupies a lot of my brain right now. I think about sex all of the time.
TMI???
At least I am honest. I want sex!!!! I feel like I am dying without it.
But I have never been a promiscuous woman. Ever. So I don't want to become one, and I won't.
So I flirt. minor sexual satifaction, but it helps.
Can you girls just allow me this?? I am so deprived.
You say that my happiness is wrapped up in the idea of a man. I say that I am completely capable of living alone with my girls, working my as* off everyday, contributing to my community in ways that others have never even thought of, paying my bills, cleaning my house, being a wonderful loving friend. I can do all of this, because I am doing this. And if I have to do this alone for the rest of my life?...
Well that is really sad.
There is NOTHING wrong with the fact that I LOVE being in a relationship. LOVE IT. It brings me happiness plain and simple.
You guys can bash me as much as you want, but I can be alone - I JUST DON'T WANT TO!
when we are asked over and over - WHAT DO YOU WANT TAMF? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I want a loving relationship. Perferably with my H, but I am beginning to seriously think that is a lost cause. And if it is? I will find someone else. that is who I am, trying to cover that up, pretend like I can FIND a way to be perfectly "happy" alone is rediculous.
Like I said, I can do all of this SHEOT alone forever and still have fun in life...but if I want to be HAPPY, I will want to share my life with someone I love.
Ok my friends...I am feisty today...bring it!! LOL!!!!!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
There is NOTHING wrong with the fact that I LOVE being in a relationship. LOVE IT. It brings me happiness plain and simple.
First off, E....pansy!!!
Second, the statement above is the reason why, IMHO, you have to continue to work on yourself. If you need someone to BRING you happiness, you are not a fully mature healthy person. You must be able find and BE happy on your own. That is not an easy task and its not something that most people achieve without some effort. That doesn't mean it can't be in association with a spouse. But relying on your spouse/sig other to BRING you or MAKE you happy, is a recipe for failure.
I can hear you now... you're saying I can be happy I just prefer to be with a guy. I don't think you are being honest with yourself. PEI is spot on. All your posts, your comments to me, etc, revolve around having a guy, getting a guy, not being alone etc. You are allowing your happiness level to be determined by the presence or absence of a man. I think I've asked you this before. Why do you need the validation of a man in order to be happy? I don't actually want you to answer because I think its a deep question that you REALLY need to think about.
But knowing you, you probably will answer anyway
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Look I get where TAMF is coming from. I've gone out a few times now by myself and I wouldn't say that I've been flirty, I've just been more open and smiling and inviting of conversation than I ever was. I do feel like I want to know if someone, anyone, finds me attractive or notices me. I think that is because I had a very fulfilling romantic life AND a very active sex life with H up till when he dropped the bomb. In fact, in the past few years, our sex life was better than it had EVER been (in my opinion) and to have that just shut off overnight has been devastating. I think about sex all the time too.
But I also know that I don't have it in me to just go pick someone up and sleep with him. I also don't think I could just go sleep with a guy that I'm friends with but wasn't in a relationship with. I think I'll need some feeling that things are going somewhere with me and another person before I jump into bed with them. So this sort of makes me feel like I'm going to be without sex for a LONG LONG LONG time. That's depressing as can be because I do want that in my life.
So the substitute is going out or just making eye contact or being friendly and perhaps even flirty. It gets that out of my system. If that's what TAMF is doing, I totally get it.
In my case H is entirely out of the picture. I need to live as if he'll never be back. I still love him. I don't really see me being in a relationship with someone now. So flirting fills some void. There is a guy I flirt with at work and he flirts back, (he's single) but he is someone who divorced 14 years ago and is STILL bitter and down on marriage. He has a few "friends with benefits." He knows me enough to know that while I might be able to be talked into that to fill the void of intimacy, that in my heart I'd not be ok with that. That I'd want something more. So all we do is flirt. That's it. I have to give him credit for not taking advantage of me, honestly.
I agree with TAMF, I think that if you ask yourself "what is it I want out of life", it's not wrong to say "I want a romantic relationship" or "I want a sexual partner" or "I want to feel like I am beautiful or sexy." Saying that doesn't negate saying "I want independence and strength." Our self-esteem takes quite the nose dive from infidelity, and it is hard to rebuild that. Yes we can get all powerful and strong and confident in our ability to survive and carry on with our families and homes, but the sexual side is also something that shouldn't be neglected, and you can love yourself all you want as a confident person, but there is quite a limit to how much you can love yourself "romantically." You need the interaction with another for that.
I think the danger lies in if you get into a romantic rel. and you hide the fact that you're still in love with the ex/say "I'm over it 100%" if you're not. If you're not over it, and you communciate that, but the new partner says I'm ok with it, then fine. But lying, yeah, that would be a problem.
If you're just flirting I think you're testing your new personality to see how you're going to navigate this part of your journey.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
But knowing you, you probably will answer anyway [/quote]
You know me too well! I guess I just need more time - Lord knows I have it - to get over this fear of loneliness. Who knows, I might never get there.
The reality is that if I get a D, I will probably find someone else very quickly and I won't have the chance to get over my fear. Sad but true. I know I have total control over this, but I will probably cave to the light at the end of the tunnel that for me is love. If I can see that light I will run. I know it.
Also, that light at the end of the tunnel will include great sex - right! LAUGH WITH ME HERE!!!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
