Frustrated, Back Again, the Saga continues

[Xabian]

Jack, i really have no inkling to lash back at my W in any way. I look at it as pity, she has to learn the hard way. My bitterness is knowing my kids will have to live in that environment.

Scylla, its hard sometimes separating the actions from the person. People have individual responsibilities for what they do. In my current state of mind though i just have had enough of thinking of our R and her needs. Too detached? Perhaps.

I had a frank discussion with BIL yesterday when he was over doign our bathroom reno. My impression is he thinks his sister is making a mistake (we get along well) but of course family backs family and they are staying out of it. I get along with FIL really well and MIL fairly well too, but MIL's sympathy's soley lie with her daughter thats obvious.

Meanwhile this morning i think i caught W looking at a dating site on her laptop. Whatever. Doesn't surprise me i suppose. At this point i dont know what the boundaries should be, nothing is written up.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Xabian, I have to learn and perform detachment better than I am right now. I want to be at the point where nothing he says, nothing he does can affect my basic happiness anymore. A point where his actions/ attitude toward me don't impact my own self worth.
So, I admire your level of detachment right now.

Xabian, don't worry overmuch about the dating site. I have been on a couple. in my experience so far, all the guys want is friends with benefits, or a one nighter ( not a deep relationship), or are married ( their marriages are on the rocks or they say they're staying together for the kids) and want mistresses. Lots are scam artists looking for a quick buck through emotional blackmail.
Hope that eases your mind.

[Xabian]

Scylla, give it time and confidence and detachment will come more naturally. Envisioning a life being single and happy certainly helps.

I hear you on the dating sites. I'm not too worried about it as i know most of those things are a scam at best. I guess she has to learn what kind of dirtbags are out there.

Well, i finally told my Dad about whats going on this morning in a heartfelt email. He's out of country working and living so its hard to just call him (very crappy phone service). His reply was short but now my parents will know and not here it third hand from family.

My sister emailed me this morning saying how W removed her and all the family off her facebook list. I was not aware of that. I'm sure some of the extended family will ask why. So it goes. W is erasing links to me on a dialy basis.

W went to a C session this morning and made no bones about going to the bank and getting her own separate account besides talking about other things (possibly mortgage). Good for her, she will not get my help on that stuff. I will have to do the same real soon and just keep the joint account open in the interim. We will talk about the legal separation agreement this weekend and will get a sense of the urgency and fairness of this. I may opt to go fully with my own lawyer on this rather than share one, or at least have a lawyer look at the agreement once drafted.

I battle on and by the end of the weekend things should be clearer.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Suggest you get your own lawyer. Don't use the same one.
Here in my province you must get a certificate of independant counsel before you can divorce. There is a reason for that. You put the lawyer in difficult position.
His job is to represent YOUR best interests. Putting him in the middle represents a conflict.
If you want a collaborative separation agreement, seek a mediator.

[Xabian]

Scylla, thanks for the advice. Canada is no-fault as far as divorce goes though, i think child support and alimony are pretty set (the latter has some leeway). It looks like we will collaborate on the legal agreement. I want to see where that leads but i will talk to a lawyer just in order to retain one for counsel.

W is chomping on the bit to get things going (or her going). Realtor was in friday to smack some sense into W but it wasnt too bad. Luckily the mortgage payout penalty will be manageable. If we get what we think we can get for the house financially we will both be fine. When i calculate child support and alimony it looks like i wont be living in a cardboard box at least.

FIL showed up at house saturday morning and i was surprised, not expecting him. W announced i was taking the kids to lessons and she was going out for the day. No explanation. I had to ask my youngest where mom was going.."out looking at cars i think". What? So she felt she couldnt even inform me at all out of courtesy. Not like its a big financial decision that affects our family income NOW or anything..i mean holy cow. So she goes off (thankfully FIL was with her) and yep, finds a new little car and makes loan app which got approved today. See how that works? Ok, i will give her credit that she made a decent choice but she is banking on selling the house soon, maybe prematurely. She has doing everything officially to separate herself and doing it quickly. It hurts me she is being secretive about certain things and not even letting me know out of courtesy.

We discussed the separation on the weekend and our finances. I know what she expects and it is reasonable. One of the biggest concerns is where my oldest daughter would prefer to stay. It matters in terms of shared custody. DD1 does not want to talk about it and is clearly upset over the whole thing. W and DD1 got into a pissing match saturday evening. W wants the kids to see everything her way and follow her plans. DD1 doesnt want to address it. This will be difficult.

Meanwhile ive been too busy with house stuff to DB and GAL. But i will take time out for the gym next few nights to get away at least for awhile. I feel so detached now emotinally i'm afraid i don't love W anymore nor want to again. Perhaps i'm to the point of no return.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Scylla, thanks for the advice. Canada is no-fault as far as divorce goes though, i think child support and alimony are pretty set (the latter has some leeway). It looks like we will collaborate on the legal agreement. I want to see where that leads but i will talk to a lawyer just in order to retain one for counsel.

W is chomping on the bit to get things going (or her going). Realtor was in friday to smack some sense into W but it wasnt too bad. Luckily the mortgage payout penalty will be manageable. If we get what we think we can get for the house financially we will both be fine. When i calculate child support and alimony it looks like i wont be living in a cardboard box at least.

FIL showed up at house saturday morning and i was surprised, not expecting him. W announced i was taking the kids to lessons and she was going out for the day. No explanation. I had to ask my youngest where mom was going.."out looking at cars i think". What? So she felt she couldnt even inform me at all out of courtesy. Not like its a big financial decision that affects our family income NOW or anything..i mean holy cow. So she goes off (thankfully FIL was with her) and yep, finds a new little car and makes loan app which got approved today. See how that works? Ok, i will give her credit that she made a decent choice but she is banking on selling the house soon, maybe prematurely. She has doing everything officially to separate herself and doing it quickly. It hurts me she is being secretive about certain things and not even letting me know out of courtesy.

We discussed the separation on the weekend and our finances. I know what she expects and it is reasonable. One of the biggest concerns is where my oldest daughter would prefer to stay. It matters in terms of shared custody. DD1 does not want to talk about it and is clearly upset over the whole thing. W and DD1 got into a pissing match saturday evening. W wants the kids to see everything her way and follow her plans. DD1 doesnt want to address it. This will be difficult.

Meanwhile ive been too busy with house stuff to DB and GAL. But i will take time out for the gym next few nights to get away at least for awhile. I feel so detached now emotinally i'm afraid i don't love W anymore nor want to again. Perhaps i'm to the point of no return.

You have my understanding and empathy
The very first thing my H. bought was a big screen TV ( I found out after the fact.) He also bought a new little car, and wanted my advice no less, and the trade in value of my car ( which he took the day he left. Granted, the car was on it's last legs and wasn't worth much and he left me the better vehicle, but it was all pretty much about what he wanted.
Word of warning, legal separation agreements don't have much force as I understand it. If it gets ugly, then the lawyers come in and then ...it's the confrontational approach.
Xabian it might not be detachment at this point as mental and emotional exhaustion. After a point it's all too much and you just shut down.

Breathe my friend.

I'm currently listening to Katie Byron.
she says this:
We believe certain things like " She doesn't care about me."
Our mind will search and seek out every evidence that this is true, to confirm and buttress this belief.
She says because our mind does this automatically to seek out evidence to support a belief to do this, ask yourself:
Is this true?
Can you absolutely KNOW this true?
“How do you react when you think that
thought?”
How do you react when you believe that
thought?
How do you react when you think that thought?
Look at the emotions that come when you believe that
thought, how the heart sometimes races, how you can
even break out in a sweat.
“Who would I be without that thought?”
Who would you be without your story?
Who would you be if you didn’t believe that?
Simply, “Who or what wouldyou be without that thought?”

And then just sit there
with each of these questions in meditation. I say, life isn’t
serious, we believe it is and when we begin to question our
thoughts we come to see that it’s our minds that create
the world we live in and when our minds are at peace
then the world makes sense.

Seems appropriate for you and for me...I'm going to try it. What the heck do I have to lose but a whole lot of aggro?

[Xabian]

Thanks for that Scylla..something to think about. Yes, despite what happens around us it is how we think that brings peace. I meditate on the treadmill at the gym and it serves two means to an end.

I indicated to W that i will be taking the 50 inch plasma with me, along with my computer. Everything else is negotiable. She can have the 37 inch lcd which is nice enough. Big tv's must be a man thing lol.

W is really happy today btw, new car and all. She's been quite pleasant the last few days but nothing has changed as far as her intentions go.

[Xabian]

Seeds of doubt maybe?

The separation plan continues and i think we are on an irreversible course to sell the house at least. W as highly irritable and frustrated over the weekend. I think my PMA, politeness and confident/business like attitude is getting to her.

The inlaws came over on the weekend and i actually chatted it up with MIL and got along fine. Discussed things with FIL and surprisingly he said he was just staying neutral. I sense that W doesnt necessarily have the family support i though she had. There is certainly no animosity towards me from anyone other than W.

I sense that she is realizing this is not all a piece of cake and not everyone will fall over themselves to pity her or congratulate her on her brilliant plans.

Meanwhile, i keep myself busy and sparse at the same time. The plan is to have the house up for sale in 2 weeks. My W cannot complain if i'm not fast enough since she hasnt lifted a finger on her end.

I have had some time to think and once we are separated physically i will have ample opportunity to employ a LRT or go dark, as much as you can while still being with the kids. I don't know how you can do it actually without simply just trying to have no contact with your spouse. Why i think that DB'ing for W at this point is still viable i dont know.

[Xabian]

Hello everyone, just an update and request for advice.

D15 is not a talker. W has been pressuring her to talk about this separation and where D wants to live. I think W pushed too much and got an answer she didnt like. Apparently (and i dont know much) D told W she wanted to live with me. Of course W is upset. When i discussed this with D last week in a car drive (which she could not have avoided listening to me)at least i knew there was comprehension and consideration, and i recommended that she live with her mother at least for awhile until things settled. I let her know that it was W's and my wish that the kids choose for themself.

I am wondering now what tactic W will take now that things are not going by her playbook. I am a little surprised by D15's decision here given she would be separate from D13. I wanted them to stay together as sisters above all else.

W did something brazen yesterday and talked to the high school counsellor about approaching D15 to talk about all of this..in school. I don't agree with this. D15 will flip out and be embarrassed. W's words were "i know D15 will hate me for this but...." Anyway, i dont' know if i should intervene or not. Should D15 talk to a counsellor? Yes, i think its a good idea but if we approach this wrong there will only be resentment. D15 stayed home today since she barely slept last night.

I made a point of letting W know last evening that D15 in particulare was taking this all very hard. W has kind of ignored this on her road to happiness but i think reality has set in. She is very upset that D15 chooses to live with me.

Any advice here?

[LearningPatience]

Xabian,
my guess, dealing with teenagers and an incident that happened to my S14 a few years ago, is that D15 won't want to talk to school counselor. She should talk to someone, though, perhaps an IC. That said, it's good for school counselor to have an idea what is going on at home.

Under the best of circumstances being a teen is tough, so anything you can do to help ease the burden on D15 will be helpful. I probably don't need to remind you, but *never* speak bad about your W in front of the kids. No matter what happens or how they feel, she's still their mom.

Right now, it may be more important for D15 to live with you and feel comfortable than to be with her sister. You know her best, trust your instincts on what is best for her.