Oh wow, your explanation to your W is so similar to mine to my H. The only difference is that since my H has been so adamant that he chose "correctly" for him the OW and plans this life with her, I didn't even say anything last week like "if you aren't with her we'll talk." I said that plenty of times in the past; he just fights me on it saying she is there to stay, so I have dropped even saying that. Instead, I've said that I love you more than I ever thought I could and it's because of that feeling that I can't destroy that emotionally, it is not good at all for me to be in contact with him--just like what you said to your W. I said I'm no longer going to be in contact and I'm fully letting you go.
Interesting to me that your W comes back with an almost "really?" "like do you mean it for real" "can't we talk" sort of response. I'm getting the same from H in a way. I think my H just doesn't want to accept that he can't have us both. I wonder if your wife feels the same.
For a long time we allow them to keep that connection alive because some contact to us is better than none--I read about this in a book on attachment and loss and saw that it's like we are addicted to them. But when we get enough strength to really walk away, I mean REALLY walk away, I think they aren't ready for it. I think they now feel rejected, and they never thought they would feel that way. But this isn't about them; it's about us and our ability to survive.
So I think you and I may really be at the same place now. I don't know where you are in terms of divorce--my divorce is final any day now. And at this point, honestly, I'm ok with it. If I'm ever going to have a life with my stbxh, it's going to be a whole different relationship from the ground up. Or not. Maybe it'll be with someone else...
I'll be following your sitch. Stay strong!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
