Mila, Missher, Lorie, and CW, thanks for your feedback. My wallet was stolen from the clinic while I was working on thursday, so I have been dealing with that the last few days but I have experienced little miracles in this process. Someone upstairs has been watching out for me. The thief charged $3500 within one hour! Pretty amazing.
Mila,
Originally Posted By: Mila
you got it...he could have canceled...but he didn't. To me it looks more like some kind of internal struggle...trying to work things out in his mind....you may be right, that struggle may involve GF#2, but you probably have something to do with it as well,...
Thanks for your feedback on this. When he was acting all quiet it made me feel like he was reacting to ME, but he has a lot on his mind and may be reacting to a number of things. He DID keep our plans. It feels like there is something about our R that he is clinging to.....and XH isn't the type who would get peeved by losing to a woman. He's still a much better player than I am.
XH responded to my e-mail saying "so you must have spotted her some points?" XH had told me at TT that he told his business partner that he was playing TT with me, so I e-mailed his business partner a quick e-mail the next morning, suggesting they get a TT table at the office, and copied XH. I figured that this was an opportunity for further reconnection with XH's friends. His business partner replied: "Hey, that's great news!!! That's actually a great idea… Ping Pong table/kitchen table in new break room??? Mr. GAG keeps a score sheet pinned up on his wall (jk).........Let me know when you beat him again."
Missher, XH has actually been playing TT with me for ~6 months. I really think that GF#2 must know that I am playing TT with XH because I know first hand that his sister, FL BMF, and business partner know about this. He has probably told others too.........I LIKE your mind-reading. (THANKS!) It's interesting to hear a man's perspective of the various possibilities. I think all the ladies appreciate that perspective!
Originally Posted By: Missherlove
We kinda talked about this early on, your XH even said that this GF is on the way out, if I remember correctly. Bottom line his actions reinforce he does not care about her or her feelings.
After I read this I realized that XH started dating GF#2 during the period that I was very dim after the D was finalized. He had made some small overtures to me prior to that and I felt that I needed to state boundaries then. Based on XH's comment that GF#2 is not long-term R material and XH's continued interest in playing TT with me (and e-mailing me) I'm guessing that XH doesn't quite know how to extricate himself from his R with GF#2. If she was his true love he wouldn't be e-mailing me and socializing with me.
Originally Posted By: Missherlove
.His comment about "I'm supposed to be somewhere" was very purposely vague......WHY??? He really doesn't want to kill his chances with you by mentioning that he is going to do something with another woman......[//quote] I know you made the mind-reading disclaimer, but this is an interesting masculine insight.
E-mailed back and forth with XH a few times on thursday about TT, his mother, and the iPad.
[quote=Missherlove]the internet dating thing....has been alot of fun.......Because everyone on the site is interested in dating!!!!!
Yes, that was my experience when I did it too, and that is kind of a nice thing. My experience was a bit varied though. Some were interested in meeting someone for a long-term commitment and others were just interested in $ex. XH told me that some of his M'ed friends were doing online dating to meet women outside of their M's and I think I probably dated at least one M'ed guy. I just got that vibe from him.
Originally Posted By: Missherlove
Stop settling for "friend time", I would hate to see you get pissed at Mr. GAG because he is following your lead.....what are you leading him to?????
I agree with this.........and Jody agrees too. I wish you the best with your dating and STBXW situation. I posted to you on your thread.
Lorie, thanks for posting to me. I'm glad that this info was useful to you. I have posted notes from my sessions with Jody in the past, so you might want to look back through my posts for them. Good luck with your flirting. From what I've read, when you mirror your H's behavior to flirt, you need to be careful that the mirroring is subtle and not real obvious.
CW, I'm going to order that book. the way I look at it, I think a lot of men my age might be dealing with this kind of stuff so I might as well try to learn about it. Stay warm girl! Hope your furnace is getting fixed!
Quick update..........I spoke with XH's sister for 1/2 hour this evening. She told me that things are not going well in XH's personal life and strongly inferred that things are rocky between XH and GF#2..........so maybe all that flirting I did over the holidays actually DID help to draw a contrast between GF#2 and myself. I made several sideways references to fun memories in e-mails with XH over the past couple weeks and thought maybe I'd gone too far.........but maybe I just planted seeds.
I went to X-MIL's place last night and saw that XH had brought a new clock with a digital photo slideshow. There were a handful of photos including me in there (some in which H/XH and I were next to each other smiling)...........so I made the cut this time. First time in a year that my photo has been at X-MIL's place. THAT is progress!!!!!!......and there were a few photos of GF#2 from the back and side from a trip they took this summer, but none of XH and GF#2 smiling straight on for the camera. Interesting.................This is consistent with what XH's sister hinted at this evening.
Wondering how to act now that R between XH and GF#2 may be on the rocks?
GAG - I think that finding pictures of you and Mr GAG together in photos at X-MIL is pretty significant. Also the photos of the GF from the back and side are kind of symbolic reflecting the current state of that relationship. Let it play out and continue doing what you have been doing....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
It's TT night! I will be sure to debrief afterward.
Today FL BMF sent a friend request to me on FB. Interesting............
I called XH's sister today to talk briefly about their mother's health. Haven't been around here much lately because of visiting X-MIL daily for the last 4 days. Things didn't look very good for awhile and I have much more medical background than anyone in the family, so keeping a watchful eye on her.
Seeking and Cas, thanks for your continued encouragement. I guess things have been moving forward bit by bit, just at a snail's pace.....but seemingly still forward.
Mila, thanks for your feedback about the photos. It feels like another mini baby step forward.
Missher...............it always motivates me to have you say you'll be looking forward to my debriefing. Thanks for being in my cheering section!
So........XH and I played TT for almost 2 hours.....XH was in a better mood than he has been for the last 3 weeks, although he was still a bit cranky (not his normal self). It was interesting. There were times during play that he seemed like a cranky child. In spite of that we had some laughs and that was pretty good given that he was told a couple days ago that his mother has less than 6 months to live. He met with the hospice care team today........Then as we were going to our cars I was thinking that I should suggest to XH that we go for a drink and talk about his mother's health, but before I could say anything, XH said (as he was getting into his car) "So where is this place you're going to take me?" ........so XH DID remember that I had suggested that we go to this new restaurant afterward. We ended up eating and drinking for almost 2 hours.
I asked XH about the meeting he had with the palliative care team and he talked a lot, so I guess that was good. I asked him open-ended questions about his feelings about his mother's declining health and his family dynamic. He seemed to really try to answer many of my questions which showed more consideration of these questions than I saw from him pre-bomb. He seems a little paranoid and at odds with his sister right now. This was pretty unappealing to see but it was pretty standard MLC stuff. At one point XH told me that X-SIL and her H are having problems. He said to me "I asked her 'Have you told your H you're feeling this way?. How can your H know you feel this way unless you tell him? X-SIL's H won't even go to M counseling with her." At this point XH was getting a little bit agitated in relating his convo with his sister......... I bit my tongue R-E-A-L hard. We were making prolonged eye contact when he said this and I tried to keep a poker face. Don't know if I succeeded or not. I was thinking to myself, "Doesn't he hear what he is saying?????????? Doesnt he remember that he admitted at one point that he hadn't told me he was so unhappy he was thinking about leaving?...........and doesn't he remember that he wouldn't go to M counseling with me?????????? As we were locking eyes, I almost thought that for a nanosecond XH might have heard what he said but I'm not sure.
After that XH listened to me talk about my patio tree situation (I've gotten opinions from 6 different tree services now). He actually talked with me about this and it was helpful.
Somehow the topic of needing more TT practice came up and I said "We don't have a regular TT game schedule established". XH said "We play almost every week now. Are you saying you'd like to play on a weekly basis?" I said "Sure". XH said "We can play every Wednesday then"...............so I guess this is a step forward. I can figure out more ways to flirt with XH over the next several weeks after the shock of his mother's prognosis settles down.......
The restaurant was closing so we got up to leave (might have stayed longer if they weren't closing). I said "Are you going to tell your business partner tomorrow about our game?" XH said, "You're going to e-mail him the result, aren't you?..........Business partner thinks it's funny that we play TT."...........Then XH said I'll have to show you my iPad next time...........then I realized that XH had brought his iPad into the restaurant and it was sitting on the table the entire time.........so another example of XH hearing what I said, not acknowledging it, but acting on it............XH reached out to hug me, I kissed XH on the cheek, and we got in our cars and drove away.
One thing i have noticed over the past 5 days, since X-MIL's health problems flared, is that if I moved forward (i.e. I was pro-active in caring for X-MIL) without asking XH if it was OK to do what I was doing, but just DID what I thought was right, XH went along with it and seemed to be OK with it.........Wondering if that same M.O. will work with flirting as Missher has suggested.
Sounds like things are progressing for you; glad to hear it!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Thanks for being in my cheering section!