Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

Denver, I appreciate your honesty, I know you're telling me all this with great intentions. But wow, my heart just hit the floor!

You might be on to something in some ways.

H is in sales, mortgage sales / banking. It's all about ego. Yes, he's about bigger, better, nicer stuff than his friends. Or rather, he used to be before the market crashed. His entire world has collapsed in the past 3 years. He's said many times that "losing it all made me appreciate everything more", jokes about his old days of driving really expensive cars. We live in a nice house (barely holding on it) in a very nice neighborhood. It's keeping up with the Joneses on steroids here. Most of his old friends have drifted away - they still have money. I guess it makes it uncomfortable for them. He finally gave up the golf club membership last month. We've never been able to afford to keep it up but I never really bugged him about it because golf was his only outlet. But yes, that's the lifestyle. Money, power, stuff. Now he's having to find himself again after losing it all but still being surrounded by other people who are enjoying the lifestyle he's lost. He used to pride himself on having the coolest, newest toys. The nicest car. His self worth was wrapped up in what he owned.... I figured that out after we got married and watch the confident man I fell in love with turn into this guy. His ego is very bruised.

No, I never felt like a trophy wife. I'm attractive but I've always thought the 2nd wife was prettier than me (not in a jealous way though, honestly). I honestly felt not good enough more because I made so little money compared to the other 2 wives. I am younger than the other 2. There is 6 years in age difference between H and I, while the first 2 wives were his age. Of the women he msg'd on the dating site, only a couple were more attractive than me or younger than him or made a lot of money. I thought the same thing you're thinking so I looked at that on all their profiles.

His 2 D's really didn't set well with me when we met. I did a lot of soul searching before our R got serious because I was afraid of a man who D'd 2 wives. I thought everything you posted above. His 1st W was his college sweetheart. They were together about 10 years. He left her because she's bipolar and valued friends more than family (hasn't talked to her mom in 10 years - that info per the boys). I'm not taking his word for it, I see it myself as we deal with her a lot because of the boys. She's is bipolar, immature, tells the boys things they shouldn't know at all or things blatently untrue to undermine the boys' respect for their dad, she's called the police when the boys don't answer their cell phones (they are teens). She's out of control unstable. Thankfully, her H is a good man who is great with the boys so we know they are ok with her. But I can see why my H left her... he tried, but enough was enough.

The 2nd wife was rich, pretty, fun... but a drunk. He begged her for a couple of years to stop drinking but she wouldn't. The final straw came when he shattered his ankle playing hockey and she wouldn't take him to the hospital for scheduled surgery and he had to ask a friend to take him. When he got home a few days later, they fought about and he hobbled upstairs to sleep in a different room. She was drunk, belligerent and pushed him down the stairs. He was done then. She tried to save the M but he was done. I learned all this from her best friend (W of H's best friend). She has a daughter the same age as the boys that my H helped raise for 6 years. It broke his heart to D her and lost his step-daughter.

Something I thought of last night that hadn't occurred to me before on why NOW H is going off the deep end (other than the slow decline of his former life)... in late November his XW #2's XH committed suicide. This was a guy part of his life for 6 years because of the step-daughter. In the same field, same age. He lost all his money too and just couldn't go on I guess. It hit H hard, really hard. He said this exact phrase "P's death is hitting me really hard". I tried to be supportive but I guess maybe I didn't see how hard it hit him. I've dealt with death a lot. H hasn't. Ever. 43 years old and he's never lost a close family member or friend. He struggled with whether he should reach out to his ex-step-daughter or not or attend the funeral or not. We talked about that a bit and decided it would be inappropriate for him to be at the funeral (the XW hasn't forgiven him for the D). Instead, he sent a card to his step-daughter, telling her what a great kid she is, how much her dad loved her and that if she ever needs anything or someone to talk to, he's here for her. She never responded. Understandable for a 15 yr old girl who just lost her dad. But H has taken it hard. We weren't sure how he died until last week... we heard rumors it was suicide but of course the obituary didn't say that. Last week the boys ran into the step-daughter's best friend who told that he did commit suicide. H was sad for his step-daughter. He sees her once in a while in the neighborhood (they live in the same development), but has no visitation with her, no phone calls, etc. The XW wouldn't allow it.

H has also said lately that he's seeing wrinkles and now he has gray hair. I think his own mortality has hit him. I think this could be a MLC but I don't want to jump to conclusions there. He was working out more in December and early January(when he was on the dating site). He hasn't worked out in the past week. I'm relieved at that... gives me a bit of hope he's not trying to buff up for a new woman. He's not changed his hair or shaved off his mustache. He's not dressing different and can't afford a new sportscar.

What you said, Denver, about "checking out"... his exact words to me when we talked about the dating site. That he "checked out and was done with the marriage" and that's why he joined the site. So when I read what you wrote, it hit me hard.

What I don't understand is how we seemed happy over Christmas when he was "checked out". We ML, we laughed, we had fun, we talked a lot. I thought we were getting closer. How could I have been so wrong? The whole time he was on the dating site. So how do I trust my instincts now? How do I trust his behavior now? How do I believe his e-mail last week that he loves me, only me and doesn't want a divorce and not feel like maybe it's not true? And if this is all about ego... how do I fight that?

Question for you, Denver, on your R.... how do you know that you want your W back because of her and not because your ego is hurt from her leaving you?