mj I think Mr Bond and Jack3beans have given good advice. I read some of you guys post and I say to myself "man how lucky that at least you have your wife to look at and have the opportunity to really put these tools to the test" Look at it that way. You have the opportunity to really make changes that she can see but you have to control you first. I should probably take this advice myself lol. In my circumstance I am separated by 1500 miles so my changes really go unnoticed. I don’t say that to minimize but to inspire that you have an opportunity to really affect the outcome here. As a newly minted member of BITS I am here for you! I will go back and read the entire thread from start to finish but I am hardly qualified to give advice. I am a wreck most of the time. Mr Bond and Jack I would love for you guys to visit my thread also and give me some thoughts. I am like MJ need all the help I can get!! I will be posting an email my W sent right before she left, as soon as it gets approved please check it out MJ and share your thoughts.
Interviews went well. At least 2 of them. 1 I had to cut short because it was not really the right opportunity for me as far as pay and responsibility. It was more of an entry level sales position. I basically got offered one of the jobs, but I really have to think about whether I want to pursue it. It is an inside sales job and I have been doing outside sales for the last 4 1/2 years. Not sure if I want to go back to doing inside. It also doesn't quite have the earning potential I am looking for, but it does give me an opportunity to break into medical sales which could be worth the temporary step down in pay. There is advancement opportunity to an outside position with greater earning potential, but more often than not, that comes with relocation. I don't need to say too much about that. It is intriguing as far as a chance to break into the medical industry. The other interview was with ADP and is a pretty solid opportunity. There are still 2 more steps in the process, so it may be tough to hang on to that opportunity with the medical position and the other opportunity selling IT services and hardware that I am anticipating an offer from on Friday. So all said, job sitch is looking positive.
So the W decides to send an email to each of my D teachers about the fact that we are separated and to notify us if there is anything we need to be concerned about, etc. Fair enough, I guess. But when my D7 teacher replies that my D pulled him aside to talk to him alone and they had lunch and had a private conversation about it, my W responds with "She has been asking lots of questions and is very curious. Again, we have been making sure we answer her questions and assure her that her "world" is really not changing all that much." WTF!!!!! Is her head really up her *ss that far?!? Not changing all that much?!?!?! She has got to be f*cking kidding me!!!!!!
I don't see how I could possibly go dark with nmy current arrangement with my daily responsibility with the kids. I will just rty my best to not engage her in any conversation, period unless she engages me first.
So the W gets into a car accident this AM taking the kids to school. Some JA blows through a stop sign and my wife clips the rear end of his car as she is passing through the intersection. Everyone is fine, but she gets an attitude while I am asking her questions about the accident. Should I have just acted like I don't give a sh*t?
I did have my IC appt this AM with my new C. I think she is going to be a big help. She is going to kick my *ss into gear. The only problem is that I am with Kaiser and the way their MH is set up is their therapists are all overloaded with patients and I only get to see her 1x/mo. at least for now. I am used to private insurance and a normal therapy plan of weekly visits is more to my liking. I guess that's what you have to deal with when you asre in an HMO. Not sure what I might do to change this. I need the Kaiser for my DBT class, but it is my W insurance, so I don't truly know how much longer I keep it anyway, so when I get a new job, I may just switch.
The end of this week will be huge for job sitch, so at least for the next 2 days, I will just concentrate on not engaging the W at all. I have the kids at the house this weekend except my W will stay at the house on Sat night while I go play some poker. That should be a good diversion.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
Mj, Both offers sound promising. For the record, I have spent the past 10 years in outside medical sales. It is a very tough gig and one of the things that broke up my M. I have a home office and I could never completely detach from work at night. This angered my W and I never really did a very good job of controlling it. She begged me to quit, but I wouldn't because the pay was good. With all the changes coming to healthcare in this country, the money isn't what it used to be. I am contemplating getting out. Just some food for thought.
None the less, it all sounds good and I really hope you can land one of your choices. Make this your priority for now. Having a new job will give you some purpose and take your mind off of things. Heck, it may give you a new perspective on your sitch. So, good luck. This will be your first successful step to getting yourself back! We are pulling for you.
Focus on your job sitch, your kids and your C and just let the W be for now. She still sounds very angry and is still looking for a fight. Remember, don't give it to her no matter what. Read my sitch. For two weeks now, I have refused to give my W the fight she was looking for and now we are talking again. Yes, it could be over the furniture and nothing more, but we are talking again. This was after almost 2 1/2 months of complete darkness on both our parts. No, I have not forgotten that just last Tuesday, she told me again that "it is over, I will not be returning to our marriage." But as long as we are talking like we still care, the possibilities are endless. I am not looking forward to this weekend, but I will live and the sun will come up on Monday regardless.
Keep us posted. A win for a member is a win for all of us.
B.I.T.S.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
MJ - Should have had you join the poker game I was in last weekend! It was definitely a nice diversion.
I understand what you are saying about going dark with the kid situation. It was much easier for me bc W and I have no children together and my SS has his own cell phone that I could contact him on.
So the children are living with W full time? Why not work out a schedule where they stay with you on certain days of the week and with W on the others? You have the responsibilities when they are with you and your W has them when they are with her? If your W follows through with D that is the way that it is going to be. Why not now with separation? Your W needs to get a dose of the reality of what she is doing! Under this arrangement, she'd have to figure it out when she has the kids... again, this is what she's going to need to do if D.
And also under this arrangement, you can go dark on her for a while.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I meant to add that this is the reason that I originally told you that it might not be a bad idea for you to move out. If things are just going to go on as normal, just with you out of the house, there really was no purpose in the move.
The point is to give W reality check, to let her see what life will be like without you, and to get her to a point where she gets past the negative emotions and start to miss you instead.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
My current living arrangements do not allow for me to have the kids over night. I think my best plan of action right now is to stay focused on the job sitch until I land one and go with the every other weekend arrangement and 1 night a week at the house with the Ds while the W removes herself until they are in bed. I will only engage in conversation with her when she initiates. When the job sitch is settled, I will address the living arrangements again and then start DBing my *ss off.
I started today by ignoring my wife calling me at both the house and on my cell numerous times and let her leave me a VM. It was all regarding meeting w/ an insurance adjuster about her accident yesterday. I dealt w/ the adjuster and am choosing to just relay the necessary info to her via email.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
As for the fight, my FIL took that to the next level. He threatened to kill me. Check out my post on Denver's thread to see what I am talking about. F'd up sh*t.
B.I.T.S.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
