Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[Denver_2010]

Denver, that's what I'm afraid of. I feel myself resenting him more and more, not trusting him now, feeling lonely, unloved, little affection (very little - haven't been kissed in months), like I'm the only one trying at all and I don't matter to him. He's not trying, he's not changing. He is waiting for me to do all the work, to earn his love, to prove to him that I can change. I am changing... I am working hard... but it takes two.

I feel like I don't matter at all to him. He's making no effort at all.

And he doesn't see at all that him gone overnight is a big deal for me right now. Of course I didn't say anything to him about the trust stuff, I'm trying to DB. But at what point will I matter at all? Just a little?

This is where we are at. It's like the e-mail exchange last week happened but didn't. He says we're together, but he's not working on the marriage. Those 3 sentences he said are just words if there are no actions behind them.

I love him, I do. I'm trying here. But I don't know if I'm dealing with a WAS, am piecing or what. I'm scared to have an R talk, I'm tip-toeing around him, I'm still in pieces every day. I'm afraid to ask him to work harder at this, be nicer to me, be there for me or anything at all really because I'm afraid I'll push him away again. But I also resent it more each day because I feel used, worthless, unloved in my own home by my own husband. I don't want to become a WAW.

Hope - I just saw this response to me. Ok, now I'm really convinced that your H is where I was with my W from end of Dec. 09 through Jan 10, and again from end of July 10 through Sept 10. This statement may scare you a bit so I apologize in advance... HE HAS CHECKED OUT OF YOUR M. He is mentally done with it...

But... He is also too afraid to trust his feelings of being done. He is too afraid to leave M bc there is also something in him that recognizes what he is giving up. He wonders, if he leaves you, will he be able to find "as good" or "better"...

He's not sure of the answer to that question...

So, he goes back and forth on what he wants, what to do... he has one foot out the door, and the other in the house with you.

I'm saying all of this to you Hope bc how you describe his actions and words hits home with me like you wouldn't believe. I'm not trying to make it worse. I hope that you believe that.

I still believe that he can make the right decision. Like I said, I felt the same way 2 different times within 1 year. I came around both times. Unfortunately, by the time I did the 2nd time my W had reached the end of her rope with me. My point is though, he can still come around. If/when that happens, the thing that you and H need to do that my W and I didn't is FIX THE UNDERLYING PROBLEM. So that it doesn't happen again.

For me, and I suspect your H as well, these feelings come from insecurity. Before my M, I did have long term relationships, but I also had long periods of being single. I loved to date. And when I was in long term Rs, I was always looking to see if I was missing something better. I'd say that all or most of that was based on sex though. I'd forget that "yeah, that woman is hot, but she's probably mentally insane!"... I'd just see 'hot'! It's insecurity... or maybe another way to put it... it's EGO. I had a very large EGO that controlled much of what I thought and did. I didn't recognize this until my current sitch with W. Now I'm trying to kill my Ego... or at least learn to control it. It literally ran my life Hope. I lost myself. It controlled my views on my Rs, it made me want to buy bigger and nicer things than my friends, made me want to appear that I had it all. This is ego.

Your H is on his third M. My guess is that he has much of the same issues that I do. He needs to feed his ego. This is hard to do when we are M'd. Bc feeding the ego or feeding our insecurities, for men, often includes showing the world that we can attract beautiful women. When we're M'd, even if to a stunningly beautiful woman like my W, that feeding of the ego diminishes. Our friends and family have seen our W over and over and over. The ego says, go out and show them that we can still do it. But we can't bc our W's are in the way! So we end up battling with our ego... and maybe beginning to resent our W's.

Did your H date a lot in his past? Was he into having nice things, money, power? Did ever make comments about others not having "as nice" of stuff? Did you, at any time, feel like a trophy W or that he was "showing you off"?

I have many more thoughts on this but will wait until you answer some of these questions and respond as to if you think that I am on to something here.

Denver