Much peace and calm to you, Wanda. Sorry you've had a rough one. Not cool of your husband making decisions solo. Is this something new he's doing, or has he always acted like the one in charge?
Now take a deep breath and let all that cruddy energy out.
H texted again this morning. he does snow removal and wanted to know how much snow we got last night. He has moved to another community right now. I did text back and tell him. One thing he did say to me just before he left was that I have always been there for him. I am feeling that maybe he is assuming that I still will.
So is my 180 doing things like not answering his texts that don't involve the kids? Should I have not responded to his text this morning? Just wondering if that is just being mean or if that is what I should be doing?
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
I had to go pick up D7 from school today. She was having a very bad day. She phoned her dad from school to tell him and he told her he was busy. I get a text from him saying that the kids are looking for me.
When I get home he had called the house. I texted him to let him know that she was fine and at home. He sends me a text back saying oh I wish i had known sooner.....she called him, not me.
She is home now and doing a little better. I am pretty sure he is going to drive me batty. Just have to keep on with the 180's.
Gonna dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it is forever!
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
Alamo my H has always made decisions without talking to me first. Right down to spending large amounts of money and then coming home broke and expecting me to be able to pay all the bills. I guess my expectations of h are way to high. This is going to be a big change for the kids. I have always been the rock in this M. He has always been the one to run if things were tough. I am trying my best not to be there for him to lean on. That is one of my 180.
This afternoon H wanted to come and get the snow blower. I asked if he could do it in the morning. He said no, he needed it right now. I texted back, ok I will pull it out of the shop. When are u coming? He says in a couple of hours. So 3 hours later he doesn't show up. I text that I would like to put it away if he is not coming. H say, fine put it away you didn't want me there anyways.
I didn't respond. H texts again a little later...you know you are preventing me from working and it will effect you to. whats next? All I text back (after raging for a few minutes) sorry you feel that way.
That ended the convo after that text. At least so far.
Head is spinning but I am still dancing!
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
I took my wife for granted too, and was really dependent on her on so many things on so many levels. When she finally had enough, that became my bucket of cold water in the face.
This afternoon H wanted to come and get the snow blower. I asked if he could do it in the morning. He said no, he needed it right now. I texted back, ok I will pull it out of the shop. When are u coming? He says in a couple of hours. So 3 hours later he doesn't show up. I text that I would like to put it away if he is not coming. H say, fine put it away you didn't want me there anyways.
I didn't respond. H texts again a little later...you know you are preventing me from working and it will effect you to. whats next? All I text back (after raging for a few minutes) sorry you feel that way.
Wow, how inconsiderate your H is being, and manipulative ( he was trying to justify his bad behaviour with that " you didn't want me there anyway." )
May I make a suggestion? My H often said that to me when I tried to discuss things " sorry you feel that way." For me, it's such a dismissive phrase, meaning ... "I hear you, it's too bad you feel that way, but it doesn't really matter to me what you feel."
My suggestion is this:: next time simply say, "I hear and understand what you're saying." Then state your expectation. "I had expected that you would have been here by ____________." Sorry it didn't work out today, call me when you have a firm time you want to arrange this.
If you can help it, don't use the word BUT. That totally invalidates what you said before.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Yes do not respond back. Right now he is in the teenager mode and is trying tp press your buttons to get you to respond. He's trying to control the situation and believes you are the bad guy. For some reason, the WAS has an issue with control.
They feel that because they re miserable, something or someone must be making it that way. So they look around and the first person they see is the spouse. They direct all of their frustration and anger at that person. They don't realize that a healthy person looks at themselves first and does all the reading and C that we have done.
This is what's going to happen. He is going to continue to egg you on into a fight like a 7 year old. Don't fall for it. He's also going to start hitting below the belt. Don't stand for it. Keep the contact only about the kids.
Next time he says that he will be somewhere by a certain time, if he's not there, then leave. That's you establishing a boundary. It's showing him that you are not going to be dragged along with his drama any longer. When you take the focus off of you, he will have no choice but to look at himself and his own issues. Not blaming others.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Holy cow you guys are so RIGHT. I am trying very hard to keep positive right now. H is doing exactly what you said he would MrBond.
H bought us a laptop for xmas this year and he wants it back. I have told him he can have it back at a later date because right now it is my only source for finding more work. He knows this. He says he needs it for his resume and I am preventing him from getting a job. I offered him the other computer that I can't get internet on but is fully functional for his resume and he says I will just go buy another one. Then he asks for the papers to the van. It is in his name and I have no insurance on it as of yesterday. This is just a game and he is HITTING BELOW THE BELT!
Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice Scylla and MrBond. It really helps when things are looking so crappy.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
How is he getting around now? Do you have another source of transportation?
Next time he starts accusing you of holding him back in some way, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way". And that's it.
When he's ranting, visualize him as a little boy. "Waaah you won't let me have my computer so I can't get a job. Waaah you won't give me my car! Waaah I made poopie in my pants and I can't wipe it. It's all your fault!"
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
