I failled horribly...

[FellOnBlackDays]

LIS,
No, I have not made plans for what I am going to do on Sunday, but I am glad that you and Denver brought it up. I have a 7 month old niece that I have fallen head over heels for. She is so cute and so much fun to be with. I think I will ask my sister to be available to meet with me and the rest of my family for the evening and dinner on Sunday after the moving is finished. I may even sleep somewhere else on Sunday night... Thanks for the thoughts.

UPDATE (1/19/11 - 10:39pm): Wife called again this evening. I ignored her. I didn't feel like dealing with that tonight. But, after a couple of hours curiosity got the best of me and I called her back. I told her I must have been in the shower when she called.

None the less, she immediately turned the conversation to the logistics for this weekend. I still have not given her a definitive answer on what she can have. She started pressing me for a decision. I told her as politely as possible that I didn't have a decision at this moment. I thanked her for her patience. She acknowledged my apology and told me she was sorry to press, but needed to have everything settled by this weekend. All of a sudden, she is really starting to take my feelings into account. For months, she acted like she could have hit me with a truck and not cared in the least. Still confused by this.

None the less, we worked on some plans. I am going to have a "TERRIFIC" weekend. Do you want to hear about it? Well, Saturday, she is going to come over to assess what she needs and we will spend hours playing "what can I have?" Then she is going to pack it for the move. So, my entire day will be with my W watching her pick over our stuff like a vulture on a dead deer by the roadside. Yippee!! Then, on Sunday, my FIL and two of her friends (her two friends who I just love by the way b/c I am quite certain they are not in my corner, so to speak) are going to show up Sunday morning with a truck to take the stuff away. Wow, I can't wait. I have a better idea, why don't I just slam my head in a freaking car door until I go unconscious and I can then spend the entire weekend in a coma. That sounds like a more fun considering I can finally get some rest. And here is the best part, I will get to get up Monday morning to another long week at work and a 1/2 empty house. Would someone please just shoot me in the head now! Son of a ...!!!!

There is some good news. After we worked out the logistics, I got bold for a minute. I simply asked, "So, what is going on with you?" She stayed on the phone for 35 minutes telling me about her work, issues with co-workers and some problems she has been having with her mother. It was light, friendly and we laughed a couple of times. Then, she turned around and asked me the same thing. So, I politely told her some things going on in my life. Again, we laughed and made small talk. She didn't seem to be in any real rush to get off the phone. We talked just like we are still married. The conversation was just like the ones we would have a night when I was on the road for business. At one point, she told me that she now hates the place that she is living in and can't wait to move to her new place. Funny, when she moved to the place she is in now, she "loved" it. Hmm, more cross-messaging. Then, she started going on and on about how excited she is about her new place because she will be able to "make it hers." Doesn't sound like someone who has had any thoughts lately of coming home. Four months, one week and counting.

The real test will begin on Monday. By Monday night, she will have everything she wants from the house and a check to cover some of the value of what I keep. All that will be left at that point is filing the D. So, I guess Tuesday is when things will become interesting. If communication continues, good for all. I will know that we have moved to the "friends" zone, which is not all bad news according to my DB training. But, if she suddenly goes dark again, I will know I have been had and all this communication was truly about physical possessions. That will be bad and I am quite certain I will be missing so more days at work. Breakfast in bed, anyone? Does anyone have a pill I can take where I will go to bed tonight and wake up about 10 days from now??? If you do, I will give you three times what you paid for it in cash right now.

I do have one question for the group. I was planning to do the following. After everything is in the truck and she is walking out of the house on Sunday, with a smile on my face and love in my eyes, I was going to say to her, "Well, take a good look around because this is the last time you will step foot in this house." I want her to spend that drive in the moving van to her new place with something nice and heavy on her mind. I don't think there is anything wrong with kindly reminding her that she is walking out on our M as long as I do it in a polite manner. Good move or bad move? I will let you guys decide what I do.

Folks, I am probably going to be posting my behind off this weekend. If you are out there, please don't be shy.

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

None the less, we worked on some plans. I am going to have a "TERRIFIC" weekend. Do you want to hear about it? Well, Saturday, she is going to come over to assess what she needs and we will spend hours playing "what can I have?" Then she is going to pack it for the move. So, my entire day will be with my W watching her pick over our stuff like a vulture on a dead deer by the roadside. Yippee!! Then, on Sunday, my FIL and two of her friends (her two friends who I just love by the way b/c I am quite certain they are not in my corner, so to speak) are going to show up Sunday morning with a truck to take the stuff away. Wow, I can't wait. I have a better idea, why don't I just slam my head in a freaking car door until I go unconscious and I can then spend the entire weekend in a coma. That sounds like a more fun considering I can finally get some rest. And here is the best part, I will get to get up Monday morning to another long week at work and a 1/2 empty house. Would someone please just shoot me in the head now! Son of a ...!!!!

Hmmm... I don't know if I would do it this way FOBD. I'd suggest making a list of the things that she can have and get the h*ll out of the house while all of this is happening. It is going to be hard man. When my W was doing this (also with 2 friends who are definitely not in my corner by the way), I was 2 hours away staying the weekend at my sister's place. I don't see any benefit to you being there.

I do have one question for the group. I was planning to do the following. After everything is in the truck and she is walking out of the house on Sunday, with a smile on my face and love in my eyes, I was going to say to her, "Well, take a good look around because this is the last time you will step foot in this house." I want her to spend that drive in the moving van to her new place with something nice and heavy on her mind. I don't think there is anything wrong with kindly reminding her that she is walking out on our M as long as I do it in a polite manner. Good move or bad move? I will let you guys decide what I do.

If you decide to be there, don't say this to her. IMO it is pressuring and pursuing. Also, it serves no purpose that I can see. The thoughts that you are trying to get her to think are already there. No doubt about it.

BITS
Denver

[MrBond]

Here's my suggestion. If you can hold off another weekend, do so. Tell her you are itemizing what she can have an writing it down for the L. Even if you don't have one, take charge and just mention that.

After you've written your list, send it to her. If she approves, take those items, put them into boxes and have them waiting for her outside of the home so things don't mysteriously "walk away". Right now, you need to show that you are in control and she's not the one who has your balls in her pocket right now.

It's okay to keep things light and friendly, but for the possessions, business is business.

Or if you do intend to have them come into your home, remove all pictures of you and your wife from the home. Show that you're not concerned anymore. In fact, it would help if you were in the middle of painting your Master Bedroom as they come in.

She may be proud of having a place of her own, but so do you.

[2stepboogie]

FOBD,

I agree with Denver. I would not say that it serves no real purpose. I told my W before she left once you walk out that door there is no coming back. I was lying and she said "I know" it just reinforced her opinion that I am jackA^&. I also agree that you should probably not be there but if you have to be take Bond's advice. I would even go as far as helping out with a smile on your face. Stay strong!

[ScaredinCanada]

Here's my suggestion. If you can hold off another weekend, do so. Tell her you are itemizing what she can have an writing it down for the L. Even if you don't have one, take charge and just mention that.

After you've written your list, send it to her. If she approves, take those items, put them into boxes and have them waiting for her outside of the home so things don't mysteriously "walk away". Right now, you need to show that you are in control and she's not the one who has your balls in her pocket right now.

It's okay to keep things light and friendly, but for the possessions, business is business.

Or if you do intend to have them come into your home, remove all pictures of you and your wife from the home. Show that you're not concerned anymore. In fact, it would help if you were in the middle of painting your Master Bedroom as they come in.

She may be proud of having a place of her own, but so do you.

Wow, I love these suggestions Bond. Man I really don't look forward to the day if/when my W finally decides to leave but I hope I can keep you in my ear.

Do you by chance have audio recordings of these tips, possibly in .MP3 format that I could put on my iPOD?

Seriously though I think this is fantastic advise.

FOBD I think I would also have a hard time not telling my W that it was the last time she was in the house. Is the house in your name only or both of your names? Our house in both of our names so I'm not sure if I could legally do that. I'm going to save the feedback from Bond to use in my case if needed.

BITS
SIC

[lostinscared]

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this. I feel for you and I am sure that I will be going through the same exact emotions when my H finds his apt. Couple of things:

1)I really like the idea of trying to delay this a week and if that can be done, then great. Bond has some AWESOME ideas here. If not, is there anyone who can be there with you during this process just to add some moral support? Maybe your sister or another male friend? This way you don’t feel like you are so alienated and outnumbered.
2)I find it very interesting that your W suddenly doesn’t like her current place and is now looking forward to new place. It’s kind of like what Michele is alluding to in their books. Sometimes our WAS’s are looking for something and right now they seem convinced that it’s a divorce. It’s like something is empty inside of them and they are looking to fill the void. So what I find interesting here is that she tried apt #1 – and was still empty. So what happens at apt #2? I’ll tell you this much, the furniture isn’t going to fill the void.

You need to keep working the program and we are all so proud of you and the work that you have done already. Denver was right to point out that you need to get mentally prepared for this and I’m glad he did that so you didn’t get caught off guard when this really happens. I’m glad he said that for me as well. But you have done good work, she is still clearly softening and I don’t think she’s going to be able to fill that void she’s looking to fill.

All of us will be around this weekend for you, FOBD. You have been the cheerleader for so many of us. Please take care of yourself. And remember, that there is nothing wrong with you and your reactions which are normal just don’t let her see it, ok? Do your meltdowns here. We are all on YOUR side!!! I am praying so hard for you right now.

LIS

[Denver_2010]

Good advice. I just gave a list to my W told her that the rest would have to be worked out by L's if we got D. I then trusted her to abide by the list. I left town.

Bond is correct on you being excited to have your own place. Again some personal experience. After W moved out, I bought new decor (since most of the previous stuff had been W's) and redecorated the house to my liking. She came back to the house to pick up a few things that she had missed in original move. She texted me afterwards that it was sad to see her house not her house anymore and that I never did need her.

You want to get the point across that this may be the last time that she is in her house, do it in subtle ways rather than telling her. I really don't advice that FOBD. It just sounds manipulative to me. She may drive away resenting you for saying it.

BITS!
Denver

[FellOnBlackDays]

Denver, Bond, 2step, Scared and Lost,
As always, you guys and gals never fail to amaze me. All good points that I didn't consider. So, here is my follow up:

1) Unfortunately, I cannot delay this. She has to be out of her existing place and into her new place this weekend. She is sharing the expense of a moving van with the other tenant to get the move completed. I am OK with this. Really. Week after week, as the B/S drags on, it is getting harder to deal with. I want this over this weekend so I can really start to heal.

2) As for dividing up the stuff, I have already consulted a L and I am ready. In my state, any document signed by both parties and witnessed is a legally binding document as long as you can produce the witness. So, what she doesn't know is that when she arrives on Sunday to pick up what she wants, I am going to present her with an itemized list/agreement that she is going to have to sign. This puts the value of what she takes on her should the D go through. I will be polite and nice when I do it. But that stuff is not leaving the property without her signature on that paper. Hey, sweetie, how do you like me now???

3) None the less, I do want to work with her. I really seem to notice that the more I DB with her, the better our interactions go. After our last two meetings, I am really starting to believe that she is not taking this bright idea of her's to leave me as well I have been. So, I am cool with what is going to do down on Saturday. It will be just the two of us, so I will have an even playing field. Not to mention, I am going to do my prep work like last time. Before she gets here, I am going to hit the gym for 2 hours, burn up that aggression, have a nice breakfast and take a shot of an adult beverage. This worked last time. I was as cool as a cucumber when she arrived. Yes, it will be painful for us to go over the kitchen and divide it up, but I want her to feel that pain. I don't think she is ready for it. I will spend all Saturday morning getting ready, I know she will not.

You see, she is still kidding herself. I asked her if she has read any books about relationships since she left. Answer, no. I asked if she has read any self-help books since she left. Answer, no. I asked if she was still seeing her C as our MC had begged her to do. Answer, no. She really thinks that she has this thing all under control. My MC believes that in the near future, she is going to be in for a rude awakening and a crash. While I toil away with books, homework, this forum and my MC, she is doing nothing. "Just doing what I believe is best for me" she keeps saying. That is an idiotic strategy and it will come to bite her in the A very soon. It is sad and I will feel sad for her when it happens. As I have stated here a thousand times, I do still love her and want her back. But if she has to hit the pavement, face-first, at 100 mph to come back to reality, I am going to stand there while she does it. Then, I will lovingly pick her up...

4) As for having some one here on my side, that is a GREAT idea that I didn't consider. I was going to try to be a "man" about it, but I will be outnumbered by a count of 4-1. She did inform me last night that my FIL will be assisting with the move. My cowardly MIL apparently doesn't have the stomach to come over and see what she helped to create. I can't believe the man that has been my "father stand in" for the past 10 years since my own father died is going to carry stuff out. I still love the man like a father, so I have decided that I will forgive him in my heart. It is his daughter, after all.

I think I might call a friend or possibly my brother to come over and be here with me. That way I will have at least one person to turn to when the truck drives away. I swear, if I get through this alive, I am going to send each of you a new car! Well, a Matchbox car might be all I can afford. But, I will let each of you pick out the style and color. Deal?

Sorry, had to stop tying for a second. She called. Once again, sweet as pie. We laughed and made plans for the weekend. I am soooo damned scared. This thing is starting to stink like a set up. Why? Why am I so untrustworthy of a woman that I would have protected with my life for 15 years??

Team, hang in there with me. You guys and my family are just about all I have right now. I am not being melodramatic, I mean it. I can't talk to my friends anymore. Most of them are still married to their first spouses and have recently had children. When I try to talk with them, they seem uncomfortable and I stop. Here, I can cry, vent, think aloud and no one will judge.

I will check in again tomorrow night.

"The only easy day here is yesterday!"

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[2stepboogie]

FOBD,

The strategy is sound. Someone told me it's ok to cry, cry and then cry some more. Oh wait! That was you! We are here brother! Also I don't know if this will make any sense but I have started to look at this as a game of chess. She acts and you react in a way that she does not expect. When she says’s something that normally will cause some reaction do the opposite. If I look at it as a game of chess then my mood changes because now I can kind of take the emotion out and plan ahead.

I will not give my wife the chance to see me angry or upset. I will be happy and now I smile when she calls even if I am feeling down I keep a smile on my face the whole time I am talking it forces me to sound friendly and happy even if I am not. After she leaves scream cry and curse the day but while she is there keep it in check.

Since I am super competitive it is now a competition to me she sounds happy I sound happier. She smiles I smile bigger. If we go down the D route and she leaves my life I will no longer give her negative memories to remember me by. I will not give her that victory. I will remain strong and content. The angrier I become the more she is justified in her actions the more sure she becomes in her actions.

Hope that makes sense.

BITS!

[Denver_2010]

Why am I so untrustworthy of a woman that I would have protected with my life for 15 years??

Easy FOBD... your W, like all of our's, is betraying you and the vows that you made when you got M. How can we trust them right now. Either they are not the people who we thought they were, OR, they are having a bout of temporary insanity. I prefer to believe the latter.

Team, hang in there with me. You guys and my family are just about all I have right now. I am not being melodramatic, I mean it. I can't talk to my friends anymore. Most of them are still married to their first spouses and have recently had children. When I try to talk with them, they seem uncomfortable and I stop. Here, I can cry, vent, think aloud and no one will judge.

Ditto. I don't talk to my friends or family about it much anymore either. They haven't walked the mile over the past couple of months in my shoes, as I, and each of you, have.

Let us know how it goes FOBD. Remember, the sun will come up the next day and you WILL continue to be strong and DB!

BITS!
Denver