What I 'hear' when I pray is hard to put in words, but I will try.
In my quiet listening time I have come to see the next steps in my journey. I have come face to face with my own cowardace. I have seen that I am STILL trying to influence my H. I am just as guilty as he is of running from confrontation.
My quiet voice tells me that it is not my responsibility to change my H's mind or convince him what he should do. But it is on ME to speak out. I see my D's confusion and anxiety, but my H does not.
My silence has supported my H's fantasy. I cannot allow myself to live a life surrounded by lies. It is not necessary to expose them, but I do not have to accept them. I also must work harder on ME ALONE.
The other day when I felt moved to tell my H that I did not think camping "again" with anyone else was a good idea; it marked a turning point for me. I let him know that I knew he had taken someone else on that last trip and that I did not approve. Up to that point I had been shaking in fear. After I spoke, the shaking stopped and the fear left.
I want to live an HONEST and FREE life. No secrets and no fears. I believe this is the heart of finding the safety I so desperately want in my life for myself and for my daughter.
That quiet voice tells me I will be tested soon. Me. Not my H. This test is comming regardless of whether H decides to push the camping trip or not. If he does, it is not my job to stop him. It is my job to stop the secrets. This is only between me and H. Not family, not friends, not even D.
I cannot allow him to believe he can hide any longer, because these secrets have put adult responsability on my daughter. While these secrets belong to my H, I have contributed to my daughter's pain by allowing them to continue.
