For the past 4 days (I know it's only 4), things have been pretty great. I got a kiss for no reason, a few touches here and there and a very receptive partner. She's fun to be around and is even feeling sexier - even around me. We still haven't ML in over a month (we usually never went more than a week without for our entire R) and she doesn't say ILY. That's all good because I'm DBing.
However, we did talk about the R yesterday before she left for a week break - she's visiting old friends and looking for a job near family. This is something that we have discussed so I don't feel that she's making plans to leave.
But something was said in the conversation that just punched me in the gut. She doesn't know how she feels about the R. I get a sense that she's very afraid of tearing that wall down because I've hurt her so many times in the past (I was unaware that I did but nonetheless) that I think she's afraid that this "new me" is temporary.
I mentioned that to her. I said that I can feel her coming back and wanting to tear down that wall and let me back in but that I can also sense her being defensive and not letting it happen.
What should I do in that situation? The one aspect that I have changed in myself is to be much more thoughtful. I guess when I look back at it (recently, the last few weeks) I have been pursuing. BUT I do that because I DIDN'T do that in the past. I want to show how I've changed.
It seems that she is very receptive to it. She likes the notes and the thoughtful things I do for her. I'm very afraid to stop doing that now for the fear that she will think that I've regressed back to the old self.
One last thing. We are committed to this move. A move that will definitely hamper my career but I'm OK with that because I want our R to work. I know I'm working on myself but if I choose myself (re: the job) then I know the R is over. It's just a choice I have to make.
She keeps saying that she can't promise that things will work out in the future. I get that totally. I have to prove my change and even then, it may be too late.
But she said something that seemed odd. She said, you never know. You may find someone when we move that rocks your world and gives you what you need.
I wasn't sure how to handle that question so I said the following: I can't say that opportunity couldn't come up but because of my commitment to this relationship, I will run as far as I can from that temptation. That is not where I am in my life right now and have no interest in pursuing anything outside of our relationship.
She seemed touched by that and almost cried...did I do the right thing?
I'm very confused and now have a whole week without her to keep busy and find me. I'm not going to text/call her. I'm leaving that on her. BUT she did give me a giant hug and a kiss (on the cheek albeit) when I dropped her off at the airport. She made a point to show me that she was wearing the ring too before she left.
anyway...I'm rambling because I want to stay on the path and feel I am. These days feel like weeks...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
