DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support 2

[ScaredinCanada]

This feels weird, but I am now starting my 3rd thread. Here are the previous 2:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2117463&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2118453&page=1

Thanks for everyone for following along, and for providing support to me and relating to my sitch.

Unfortunately for some reason today I cannot get settled. I'm not really thinking anything specific, but I feel really emotional today - just not right.

I'm at work, but I cannot seem to concentrate on anything, I feel distracted. I haven't felt like this in a few weeks and not really sure why I am feeling this now?

Anyways, W is working tonight and I have hockey (need it tonight). Looking forward to getting home to see my girls, and not seeing my W because in my current state it would only be backslide-fest.

I'll reiterate my thoughts re the trip that my W has planned with her M to a Dude Ranch at end of February. I'll be staying home with the girls for the week, and I'll be planning some things to do with them.

I'm concerned that in my free time (which will mostly be in the evenings when the kids are in bed) I'm going struggle to wonder if my W misses me (and not just the girls) and what she's doing. I must say I have serious fears that she will cheat on me when she's gone at least emotionally or possibly physically. I'm concerned how I'm going to deal with these emotions when she gets back? I mean I don't expect her to tell me if anything was to happen - but at the same time I'm going to want to know one way or the other.

Like I've said I truly believe she has emotionally left me, and she doesn't want to be the "bad guy" who actually ends our M. She's waiting and hoping that I do it.

This whole thing just doesn't seem fair, it pains me so much. I just to know this isn't all for nothing when it comes to our R and M. Is she just stringing me along for financial reasons, becuase we can't sell the house in the winter?? So I can continue pay off mutual debt so she doesn't have to take any with her?!?!?

I just feel like crap right now. I want to feel good and be as happy and encouraged by the sitch (we still live together, sleep in the same bed, she wears her rings, etc.) but I'm struggling everyday with the fact that we currently have NO relationship.

Sorry, just venting.