Need advice please!!! Not sure on next move?

[dixiegal]

Thanks yall! @ Denver, H lives about 35 minutes away in the next town. He lives in a house w/a few guys. However, they have all moved on got married and etc. He has to move out. Is moving in with his Grandparents for month. Till this other house/w some friends comes ready. He doesent know I know any of this...he apparently does not want me to know this???? But, his female cousin whom I have been very close with all these years told me. She thought it was childish and I should know.

He has said over and over again...that he cant come home. That he doesnt want to come back just to leave again and hurt me. He says, that he just thought one day he would wake up and want to go home. He says, he doesnt know what is wrong with him. That he knows how great of a W I am. That not giving up on us all this time made him love me more. But,that hes scared because its been so long. That its not fair to me. He said, that he has been struggling with all the guilt of the things he has done to me. That its hard to forgive himself.

We had been in a holding pattern for sometime. This last few months till our big fight on the phone. He had for the 1st time been talking about us being a family again, me making a great Mom, Having kids with me, saying Ive been the worst H to you and stuff like that.

But, I was so pisst all the time that I just shut him down or did nothing. Until the day I challenged him. He got so mad! He then said he ended it. He notified his family days before Christmas that I would not be attending. Then he called my Mom crying saying he wanted to make sure she was still coming to be with me. He didnt want me to be alone. On New Years Eve at midnight he called and said, just wanted to tell you Happy New Year gotta go I'm at work. He is a pit boss at a Casino in OK over the Poker room. He works from 4p till 1a sometimes later. (We live in North Texas area so he drives there with his buddies they car pool and stuff.)

Then on Jan 8th our Wedding Ann. he sent the msg via FB that he would be thinking of me and etc. I didnt respond too it. He then called that morning when he got off work. No talk of R just work and stuff.

So, last night he texted and asked about what the Vet said about the dog. I told him. That was it.

@Fellonblackdays, your correct that I have to be strong and show him that if this is what he wants then so be it. I have to take back my life, my part. I was so resentful that he started showing in all parts of my life. I started to not enjoy the things I really like. I went back to Church, back to the choir, forced myself to read some books which I usually adore doing. Ive been taking long walks again. I love to travel. So, Im thinking about taking a weekend trip to the OK State Park. Renting a cabin and fishing/read stuff like that. I have even thought about finally starting my flying lessons. I always wanted to do that. I'm trying a bit at a time. But, I have no family to speak of. So, I am alone most of the time. Where as he has his family all around him. So, I'm trying to remind myself that GOD is with me all the time and I have friends from Church/Work that I can lean on. If I let them.

Its just confusing when my new C tells me one thing and DBing says another. Ya don't know which one to do. But, though my C is saying to ask him/try one more time if he will go to C again or a Marraige retreat. I think its not best right now. H expects that from me I'm sure. He knows that I don't want this. He already knows how much I love him.

Thank you both for your support and words of wisdom. I really need that right now. It helps so much. Keep it coming!!! Wish me luck today!!! Ill let yall know what happened.