On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down?

[Denver_2010]

Since my thread is over 100 posts, I think that I should close this one out and begin a new one. I will do that in the next day or two. I'm going to leave this one with some closing personal journal thoughts so that they are documented for me to look back on someday.

First a story of some personal growth that I saw in myself yesterday.

I have a client who is a hair dresser at a pretty nice spa. I have kind of become friends with him. He knows my sitch with W and has gone though a couple of D's himself. Anyway, he offered to tone down some of the gray in my hair and consult with me on a new hair style. He also told me that his spa has a woman who does waxing. My W had told me for years that I would like it if I got my eyebrows waxed but I always refused bc it didn't seem very 'manly'. But, since I am going through this life change, I decided to go ahead and give it a shot and also set up an appt with the waxing woman. BTW, guys out there... I actually enjoyed it and liked the way that it looked after it was done.

But that's not the story of personal growth. The story is this. The waxing women ended up being a very attractive 24 year old who was super cool. Once the waxing was done, my client did my hair. While he was doing this he mentioned to me that the waxing woman was single and that he would love to set me up with her. Now if my W and I had broken up 5 years ago when we were just bf/gf, I would have jumped on this offer... and 15 years ago when I broke up with my previous fiancee, i would have jumped on the offer. But now, I realized that I had no interest. That my heart is with my W even with all of the cr*p that is happening. I realized that I have gained some control over my ego which certainly could have been fed by accepting this offer of a set up with attractive 24 year old woman! I was very proud of myself and had no doubt about telling him that I just wasn't interested right now. That I had NO interest in dating anyone other than my W! Wow!!! I have to say that I was impressed with myself and how sure I was about my answer to him.

I see this as progress for myself as a person. Personal growth. Maturity. Commitment to my M and to my W even in tough times.

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I find a lot of inspiration from music. I find that there are certain lyrics to songs that I relate to. There is often comfort in hearing such songs and pondering how they relate to my life or a specific situation that I am going through. So I leave this particular thread with some lyrics that touched me today. Of course it is a song that is well known and has always been one of my favorites. But it was different when I listened to it today.

I know that these lyrics meant something different to their author, but to me it seemed to relate to my need to detach from my situation with W and let go. How I need to ignore poor advice that I sometimes get from friends and family and put aside the fear of what they may be thinking about me as I go through this process as I must to stand for my own principles and values. There is no hurry... I'm just sitting her doin time... there is no problem, only solutions... I'm doin fine!

"People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin,
When I say that I'm o.k. they look at me kind of strange,
Surely your not happy now you no longer play the game,

People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away,
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me,
When I tell that I'm doing Fine watching shadows on the wall,
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball?

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go,

People asking questions lost in confusion,
Well I tell them there's no problem,
Only solutions,
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind,
I tell them there's no hurry...
I'm just sitting here doing time,

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go."

John Lennon