I have done everything wrong....

[islander]

I am exhausted. I have been living this life for the past four months. I have read DR, the online forums for the past 6 weeks, and have completely failed so far. I am ready to tell my story.
I have been with my W for six years, and we have been married for three. We had a very good relationship for the first five years, although it was extremely stressful. We each have a daughter from a PR. W D8, M D5. W has been in my D5 life since she was 3 months old, and I have been in her D8 life since she was 3 years old.
About 2 months before we were married, my W xh moved in with my D5 mother, and you can imagine what happened after that. When my W had a problem with her xh, my D mother took it out on me, to the point that she stopped letting me see my D until I took her to court. And for the next 2 1/2 years it was a living hell. My W rightfully had my D mother arrested for assaulting her, and it drug out in court for over a year. It seemed as if my D mother and W xh were always trying to prove that they were better parents than we were. I am pretty laid back and was willing to let a lot of things go for the sake of keeping the peace. I wasn't concerned about proving that I was right all of the time. My W on the other hand always wanted me to act on my D mother's actions when she was out of line, and to file contempt charges against her for violating our court ordered visitation. The relationship b/w W xh and D mother ended almost a year ago. W xh stated he was sorry and that my D mother kept trying to cause problems with me and W. (Guess she was successful)
All of this added to the stress in our M. Our SL became almost none existent. We both have very high stress jobs as well, which did not help either. Then I would get frustrated with the housework, and feel as if my wife wasn't helping out. I did all of the laundry, yard work, dishes, and I (wrongly) expected her to do everything else that I didn't want to do, whether she wanted to or not. And I would get so frustrated when she always left her clothes on the ground or did not put things back where they went, like she just took me for granted knowing I would pick up after her. (Don't get me wrong, my W was not a messy person, it was just these insignificant things that I let frustrate me). At the end of the day there was nothing left in me to give to her, as in ML. I was so stressed, and blamed her for it. My W is a very beautiful woman, and I stopped telling her, even though I always thought about it.
Eventually we stopped having fun together. Everything was all about work, extra jobs when we really did not need the money, we just needed to manage it better. When we were at home, I could not relax because I always felt there was work that needed to be done there too (which I blamed my W for because I thought she should have been doing more-wrong again). Last summer, my W wrote me a letter stating that she wasn't happy, but wanted to work on things because she loved me and knew that we could be happy. She even bought a book "His Needs, Her Needs" and two colored markers so we could read it together. Of course I knew we had problems and I knew we could fix them, so I put it off. (Looking back that is where my current problems started, and I try not to dwell on my stupidity too much, but I am not having luck with that. Makes me cry even as I write this. Stupid Stupid me!!!!).
The purchase of the book was at the same time she forced me to file a well deserved motion for contempt against my D mother, but I could have just as easily let it go to. I was tired of all the stress. With this motion, my W did not help me with the filing or preparation of the documents like she had previously done, and I was not prepared. I procrastinated b/c I did not want to do it in the first place, and I was so stressed about it I did not want to go to the mail box for three months b/c I did not want to receive a court date. It took 7 months from the initial filing to hearing date in Oct 2010. We were stressed the entire time, and it took its toll on us.
At the end of Sept 2010 I had prepared myself for the hearing, and began reading "his needs, her needs". It scared the hell out of me once I realized how I had been treating her. I completely neglected her, and I instantly knew I was running out of time. I wanted to fix it and fix it now. I started to change my behavior immediately. My W had always been my best-friend, and I had been neglecting her worse than I could have imagined. I tried to ML to her several times, but was rejected.
I did not know it at the time, but my W had been confiding in somebody she worked with. She started going out after work and that bothered me, but I still trusted her. After reading the book, her behavior scared me. I began to see the signs of an A. I even questioned her about it one night when I became suspicious. I was working midnights and she went out for a drink after work, but did not get home till 4am. She assured me that she would never cheat, but I felt something was different. I continued to try to be physical, but it seemed to push her further away. I started to talk to her about going to MC, but got a mixed response. After a couple of arguments where she left in the middle of the night for a couple of hours, I made an appointment with a MC for us. However, she was just a C who also did MC, but that was not her focus. Big Mistake.
The day before we had our first and last "MC" (11/14/10), I sent her an erotic email, and hoped to have a good night. (She always told me she wished I would do things like that for her, so I put a lot of thought into it). I think that pushed her over the edge. I did not hear from her all day, which made me very nervous. I did not even get a response from her about the email. When I got home, her eyes were very puffy, like she had been crying for hours. She finally told me she had been talking to her mother all day, and had told her she was having an A. I did not get all of the details EA/PA until the next day at "MC". The MC told me that my W needed space to figure things out. I was devastated (P/A). She suggested that one of us leave the house for an undetermined amount of time. At that time, I couldn't have imagined staying in the house. It made me physically sick. I did not want to separate from my wife, but the MC said we needed to. I moved out for 2 weeks, realized I made a mistake by leaving, and returned home.
We went on a trip for Thanksgiving, which was a disaster. She had been texting OM the entire time, while the trip was costing us almost $1000 for the night. I thought we were making progress, but the night ended with her throwing her rings back at me in downtown ATL. On the way home, she said she was filing for D the next day and moving out. She did neither.
When we got back home I decided to do the Love Dare. The problem I had with it was that many of the things it asks you to do I already did. Except for patience...ironically that dare was our night in ATL. I know now that I should not have done that, but it's too late. Shortly before I finished the book I found DR. I knew that I was in the LRT. W was adamant she wanted a D, said she was moving out, ILYBNILWY, We got married for the wrong reasons, I never loved you, I was never happy...and on and on. Who was this woman and where is my W. That is all I could and still think about.
I attempted LRT, but failed. I don't know how so many people do it when everything is falling apart. I realized I am great at giving advice, but taking it is another story. I got better, but at times I still cried, begged, pleaded, remember all of the good times...here look at these pictures I put up, but nothing worked. I still told her I loved her, and she would tell me the same. Sometimes I even believed she meant it. I would even get a small kiss when she left for work, so I figured to keep going with it.
However, she never talked about the future unless it was about her moving out and the D. She has continually stated she is over us, it is too late, she has moved on (and I almost, if not completely, believe her). She does tell me she loves me sometimes, and her actions are not consistent at all.
On 1/16/11, she packed a suitcase and left with her D to stay at a girlfriends house. That morning she went grocery shopping, planned the meals for the week, and asked me if I would destroy her property if she slowly started buying it for when she moved out (I told her I have never destroyed any property, she said she just wanted to make sure...I was not happy about the question but did not let her know it).
When she left, she said it was for a week or so to think, at least for the night. I broke down, cried for hours, pleaded with her, etc. She said she couldn't stand to be in the house, felt nothing for me, didn't I see this coming. She said she could see that I have changed but it was too late. She had already moved on. I feel as if she is not going to come back, except to get her property when she gets and apt.
I know I need to GAL, and have started. If W moves out, I will have to work nearly every day to pay the bills. She said she would help with some, but I don't make enough w/o significant overtime, which i fortunately can get. My 180 would be being more affectionate with her, going out to events with her, being more physical, etc...everything she would reject at this point.
W is also still seeing OM (don't know how often) and they talk regularly. She says she will not stop talking to him. I know I have to suck it up and deal with it right now, and I have accepted that. I just don't know what to do. I understood DR until I tried to do it.
I feel I don't have much time left and need any and all advice I can get. I don't know how we got here, but I want to leave this suffering and be in a better place.

[Grocerykartman]

Hello Islander,

Very sorry to hear about all this. You are in the right place for help-this board is great and has helped me and many others immensely.

First thing, can you provide your and your wife's ages? That information always helps with responses.

Let's take it from the top here...you were in an unenviable situation that most people don't have to go through, meaning your ex-spouses/parents of your kids were together. What a nightmare! Hard to blame you for not exactly knowing how to handle it, as you said you are the kind of guy who would let things go to keep the peace.

I will try my best to not beat a dead horse on this, but unfortuantely, you probably realize that your W lost a lot of respect for you because you did not stand up for her. You claim she filed charges against your D's mom "righfully so", so by your account too your wife deserved to be defended. I get that that was tough to do, because your D was involved as an innocent party to the whole debacle. You may have always felt like if you get involved too aggressively, things would get worse. But I'm pretty sure you needed to do something greater, because your wife needed to know you valued her and wanted to look out for her above all else. I do think you meant well, but unfortunately meaning well doesn't often translate to a W's favorable image of you. My guess is that you had your work cut for you from then on. Does that sound about right?

I only rehash this part, because I think it's important for you to understand how serious your wife took your response (or passive response) to the situation. Enough said about that, let's move on...

I think you can take a lot of solace in knowing that your wife was very patient with you overall. She tried to get you to go to counseling, to read, wrote you letters explaining her concerns, wanted you to show more of an interest in making love, etc. She made a strong effort, but to her, you were always a step behind. By the time you responded to what she was telling you, or warning you about, she was already moving further away. I think you need to understand that too, but I know you do...the subject of your post says it loud and clear.

Here's the good news...I think she really loves you to have been this patient. Where there is love once I think there can always be love again...but you really have to give her her space here. I didn't see anywhere in your post that said she had talked to a lawyer or filed or anything, so that is GOOD. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Some people just go right ahead and do it. She's just talking about it, albeit intensely. I would stall any divorce related actions as long as I could if I were you.

At the same time, I suggest you give her all the space she needs. While doing so, use the time to work on pulling yourself together. You will have to cease and desist all crying and pleading...I know you know that intellectually but you HAVE to put that knowledge into practice. It makes her uncomfortable and makes you look weak. Whatever you have to do to get over the urge to plead, do it.

OM is obviously a huge problem that must be dealt with, but right now, that's not a battle you remotely have a chance of winning...you need to get yourself together first. Perhaps their affair will flame out on its own, perhaps it won't. You can't worry about it right now. Just work on reflecting on yourself. I highly urge you to get individual therapy and bring up everything you did on this post. If you sign up with a therapist and don't like him right away, get another one. Get one who is pro-marriage as well, as DB suggests.

I hope I have not come down too hard on you...because I can tell you know most of these things already. You just have to realize nothing will improve until you pull yourself together and can exude the image of a strong, confident man. It's the worst time in your whole life to have to portray that, but it's exactly waht you have to do.

Post here often, we're all here to help. I wish you well.

[tjack45]

I guess I just want to tell you how it is....

Look at this like you've been fired from your job... She found someone better. Now if you were fired, would you continually go back, tell them you'll work harder, cry that you'll do it right this time...Remind them of that time you were great....

Nope.. Doesn't work it is weak and pathetic and completely unnatractive.... If you are to get your job back it will be because you are strong, confident, and sure that you are the best man for it. right now, words mean nothing consistent ACTIONS are what works...

You need to Detach ASAP.... Right now she is in control of you... she owns you... This is all B.S. You are in control of your thoughts and your actions... Time to find out who you really are and become a man that demands respect.

[islander]

M34
W28

I talked to W today. She stated that she was not moving back into our house, and knew that I did not want to hear this. I did not say too much. She stated several times that the apt was only a month to month lease, and she did not know what was going to happen.

Late tonight, I sent her a text message telling her I loved her and missed her, and that I knew she knew that already. (not DR material) She replied quickly and stated that she knew, and hoped that I would get some sleep tonight. I say this knowing I am going to get a 2x4.

[Grocerykartman]

Well,

Yes, you should get a 2x4, but at least you recognize that you should now. That's a step in the right direction.

Truegritter is one of the best posters on here in my opinion. He taught me with one of his posts that you can look at this separation as a gift that your wife has given you...it's the gift of time. Time to take a good look at yourself and become the person you truly want to be, the person you lost touch with over the years. Again, she did not say Divorce, so look at that as a door that she hasn't closed. So what you do have is a separation, and a chance to take that clean look at yourself. And time to do it in.

Let's talk about your text message. You realize it's not DR material, so I won't harp on that. I think the better question is: "What made you want to text her that you loved her and missed her?" You knew not to do that, but you couldn't resist. Why? What was going through your mind when you hit the send button? Take some time to ponder this, because sending the text is kind of like being the symptom, not the disease. Look at it this way, someone could hide your phone right now so you couldn't text her like that, but you'd still be in the mindframe that you'd need to. The goal is to change your mindframe so you're not tempted to pursue her.

[islander]

I don't know how to do this. This is the most devasting experience of my life. W is moving out today while I am working. She said she wasn't taking a lot of stuff bc she did not want to move it into the apt. W said ILYBNILWY again, that she feels we have drifted to far apart, that she would not file for D yet and she did not know what was going to happen. She said maybe she would feel different once she is out of the house, and that we could still talk to each other.

The fact that she does not want to move a lot of large items makes me think that maybe she has doubts about this separation being long term????

I did not beg her on the phone, but did ask her not to move out yet. I already knew the answer to that.

I am losing my best friend, my wife, and my family. That is everything that I loved. The pain is unbearable at times. I am trying to put all of my faith and trust in the lord, and I kk

[wanda15]

I try keeping my cell in a different room than I am in. That way if I have a silly urge to text something I really have to think about what i am doing as I go find the phone.

What Grocery has said is definately the better way to be thinking. Just sometimes we need to figure out a way to stop ourselves from sending the mushy texts. Once you get used to thinking twice about what you are about to do, it gets easier.

I don't know if that makes sense or not. Keep DBing!!

[islander]

She moved out while I was at work today. I could have left but chose not to because I knew nothing good would have came from it. But we spoke on the phone and nothing good came of that either and there were some texts messages exchanged, but more were sent than received.

I completely broke down. My entire life and purpose for being (up to this point) just packed up and walked out the door. Now I have to go home and let it hit me again when I see everything missing, an empty living room, etc.

I feel like I never read DR based on my actions. How in the world can I act as if when everything is crashing down on me at once. Everybody makes good points, but it seems impossible to me today. I thought I was starting to detach until this week when she left. Right now I have no idea what I am going to do or what I should do.

I only know that my life is never going to be the same again, no matter what happens. My family was my life, and I don't know what to do or how to get through this most painful time in my life.

She is coming over tuesday am to go over our bills. I know I need to be strong, but if today is any indication...

[islander]

Grocery,
Thanks for your initial response. My first post was not clear. My W had my D mother arrested which I fully supported. It just added to the fire, and she tried to make things harder with me and my D. It was mostly petty stuff and would have been ok to ignore for the most part. Not all of it though. But my W wanted me to pursue everything that she did that was wrong. It just became stressful bc she wanted to play the game with her right back.

And I only got one letter and one card from her. If it was that bad all she had to do was make an MC appt and I would have went. She bought a book which I should have taken seriously at that point, but with everything going on it took a back seat. She was not to concerned about ML or did not seem to be. I was not happy about it but did not make an effort either. I can't blame her for that. My fault.

She never relayed how bad things were for her. How unhappy she was. We would spend time together. We still had fun. But we also had crazy work schedules, kids to take care of, homework and chores to do. We had family responsibilities and I took those seriously. I should have worked a little less and played a little more. I know that now.

All of this is almost irrelevant, but I just wanted to be a little more clear with my original post. I need help. I don't know if she will come back. She said again today she thought she was done....that we had drifted too far apart and she was moving on. I don't know what to do with that. She really acts like she is done. I asked her if she knew for sure that she wasn't coming back, and she said not anytime soon. She is not consistent, but may be saying that to appease me.

[Grocerykartman]

Islander,

Hang in there man. You'll get through this time. Feels like the end of the world now, and at times it feels like it gets even worse before it gets better, but you WILL find a way to pull through this.

I reiterate to you, please seek individual counseling for yourself. It was the best thing I could have done to help me sort out my thoughts and add some objectivity to my life. Don't announce it to her if you do go, go for yourself only. I cannot reccomend this enough.

That's true, you don't know if she will come back. Neither does she. So even though it feels like she has all the power now by leaving, you have to keep in mind that she is probably no happier with her life right now than you are, and leaving is not making her happy either. I'll bet half my next paycheck she's actually more scared than you are, hard as that may be to believe. Try to look at it as an even playing field, even though you feel like you just got your bell rung.

At this point, you have to accept that she moved out. You have said you don't know how to get through this or how to detach. I am going to say the same thing I said to another poster fairly recently. I know all you can think about is her right now but, you have to detach from that pain. So,


Let's talk about YOU. What do YOU like to do? What have YOU been wanting to do for a long time that you haven't gotten around to? What kinds of things do you think YOU might want to try? What did YOU used to like to do that you haven't done in forever? Got a couple old buddies you have lost touch with, who you can call up and just go be a dude for awhile? Got a couple of new male (important) coworkers you can ask to go have a beer with?

I ask you all this, because you have to stop asking her questions about the relationship, she doesn't know the answers right now and doesn't want to think about them. She just wants to escape. I think the best way to fight the urge to keep asking her and pressuring her and pursuing her is to step back and look at YOU, in some of the manners above.

Please take care.