Deju vu, but new to the online forum...round 2

[FellOnBlackDays]

MJ,
She is looking for a fight. It will be easier to tell you goodbye if she hates you. It is a defense mechanism. I talked at length to my C about this. But, don't fall for it. For the next couple of weeks, she will continue to "make mountains out of mole hills" to get you to fight. Don't take the bait. Don't argue with her about her feelings. Remember your DR training. Next time she comes after you, collect yourself, speak in a calm tone, look directly into her eyes and simply state exactly what you were trying to do. From there, tell her you are sorry that she feels that way and then tell her you would like to calmly discuss what could be done to prevent the situation from becoming a problem in the future. You don't have to kiss her butt, you dont' have to walk away with your manhood crushed. Be confident, but not cocky and just defuse the situation by not getting baited into the fight. I promise you this works. I would have never believed this until I tried it myself. Give it a try and get back to us on the results.

B.I.T.S.!

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

FOBD is absolutely correct. She is baiting you. That is what I was trying to say in my original post to your bad morning. My W has tried to bait me a few times but I have not taken that bait. She seemed to try it more frequently for the first few weeks after she first moved out. It has diminished quite a bit in the bast few weeks.

BITS!
Denver

[Bolt]

guys, please practice this - DON'T TRY AND FIX THINGS. It's taken me this long to realize. Most times, they just want to vent their frustration. Sometimes the best thing to do is say, I'm sorry or I understand how you feel or That [censored]. That's all they want. I'm sure it's the same if they love us or not.

I think a big thing is that we(those of us in this awful situation) tried to fix so much in the past that that is all our wives see. When we don't try to fix, they may see a change in us.

MJ, I'm so sorry for what happened because essentially you didn't do anything wrong. Remember that, dude.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

FOBD has some really good insight, MJ.

[FellOnBlackDays]

How are you doing, MJ? Hanging in there?

FOBD

[mj144]

Miserable.

I sense that my M is done. I dont get anything from her that would indicate anything to me otherwise. I think that I get to a point where I am starting to be OK with things and then it blows up.

I may just be hyper-sensitive right now until I get a job since everything is so up in the air. I have a pretty good feeling about possibly getting an offer on Friday, though.

I don't know if I really screwed things up by moving out.

I can't figure out one damn thing to do to get any kind of positive reaction out of her right now. I just cannot find it in me to detach from her even though I moved out to do so. Maybe that will change when I get a new job.

I think that I am being positive towards her, but it seems like anything we discuss sets her off on the defensive. We were discussing my MIL and her taking the kids away for spring break and I end up feeling like no matter what I do, I am either the bad guy, unreasonable, or the doormat by agreeing to whatever she wants. We initially started the discussion last night when she brought the trip up(she told me of her intentions about a month ago to take them). Since my MIL is the one making the plans, my W didn't know the exact dates. I asked to let me kinow before they booked anything as I might like to have a day or two with them during the break. It was agreed. Now today, the trip is apparently Monday to Monday, the whole break. I simply restated my stance on maybe wanting a couple days and that put her immediately on the defensive saying that I will be in a new job and have no vacation and how in the past I would never take days off to spend with the kids because of work. I tried to defend myself, I guess not in quite the DB manner, but I didn't quite know how to validate such BS when she starts using words like always and never.

Then the conversation heads towards my living situation and how it is a financial strain on things since I don't have a job and income. This leads me to reaffirm with her about the fact that she agreed to slow things down, but then stated that the only thing keeping her from going to mediation was me not working.

I thought nthat I was dropping the rope and we hadn't had any R conversations, but frankly, my head is spinning right now. I don't know how this manages to happen. I asked her to let the separation go for a while and she reasserted the fact in so many words that her mind is not changing.

She then tells me that she is taking her name off of the joint Visa we have.

I also noticed that she had removed another picture of the two of us from our honeymoon from the wall, although there are still other pictures of me and us in the house(for now)

I'm kinda freaking right now. I meet with a new IC tomorrow morning so maybe she can help get me grounded again, however, since I know her from my DBT class which she runs with another C, I know she is convinced that my M is over. Maybe I need her to convince me of that, too so I can detach and maybe I will then have some sort of fighting chance?

Not feeling very confident right now.

Schedules are so screwed up right now with me out of work. Picking the kids up in the AM and taking them to school. Picking them up at school and not having them go to aftercare because of trying to save the money, scheduling interviews. Having 1 night a week where the W stays out so I can spend with the kids. Every other weekend moving back to the house and W leaves so I can spend with the kids.

Now that I think about it, with my living arrangements, I have misjudged the whole scenario. Thinking out loud here...I get a job, I live in a place where the kids can't stay on a regular basis, now I am getting bsck on my feet, why would the W agree to continue with leaving the house every other weekend and staying out 1 night a week for me to spend time with the kids at the house when if she wants the D and is going to keep the house, why not move forward so that I am forced into different living arrangements where I can take the kids every other week as we had discussed? I made this arrangement thinking the temporary set up bought me time. Now I am thinking it will speed things up.

Now that I have written the longest most scatterbrained post that I don't even know if I understand, I am going to go to bed and wallow in my mire. Tomorrow has got to be better. I have 3 interviews I need to gear up for.

[Starsky309]

I can't figure out one damn thing to do to get any kind of positive reaction out of her right now. I just cannot find it in me to detach from her even though I moved out to do so. Maybe that will change when I get a new job.

I think that I am being positive towards her, but it seems like anything we discuss sets her off on the defensive. We were discussing my MIL and her taking the kids away for spring break and I end up feeling like no matter what I do, I am either the bad guy, unreasonable, or the doormat by agreeing to whatever she wants.

Then STOP. Trying trying to please her, and stop worry about how she'll react to things. In every situation, simply try to DO THE RIGHT THING. Do the thing that God Himself would have you do, if He were standing right in front of you.

And then be at peace about it.

It's liberating. Living your life on egg shells, trying to placate others, is no way to live a life at all.

Starsky

[Bolt]

mj - please stay focused on the interview. Stay upbeat (easier said than done) and positive. This will show in the interview as will the negative. Stay strong for that because the job will be a very strong first step.

Have you approached W about moving back ONLY because of financial things? I know that's tough but maybe that's the fact you have to deal with now. NOT that it's over but that this is where things are.

We're here for you man! And we're pulling for you.

[FellOnBlackDays]

MJ,
How did those interviews go? I was pulling for you today. Please send us some good news that we can all celebrate together. Hopefully you are out right now celebrating yourself. Catch us up.

Any contact with the W today?

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

MJ - First of all, get your head up. This is a roller coaster and you've got to hang on!! There is a list of DBing do's and don'ts... don't know if you've seen it and read it, but here are a few of on that list that you need RIGHT NOW...

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
---------

Ok, now, like Bolt said, focus on your job interview. That is immediately important whereas the sitch w W isn't... not today. You getting yourself a new job has got to be your top priority. For YOU, your self confidence... and for your M.

My thought on your sitch is this, you have moved out, your W is angry and doing and saying things to justify to HERSELF that D is the right thing to do. Remember, believe zero of what she says. I would suggest that you figure out a regular schedule to see the kids and GO DARK for a few weeks. Just try it for a few weeks and see if you get a reaction. It did help my sitch when my W first moved and was acting much like your's is now. It helped get FOBD's sitch to a much more manageable state as well. GO DARK and work on DETACHING with Love. Like I said, set a goal of 3 weeks or so and see if anything happens.

Your W needs to get over her anger and she needs to MISS YOU! This will not happen while you continue to have these useless conversations that the two of you have been having in recent days. If you go dark, maybe it will give W something else to think about, i.e.,"what is MJ doing and thinking? I haven't spoken to him in 3 weeks." You've got to turn the tables a bit here. JMO

Hang in there. It's going to be okay.

BITS!!

Denver