A slow turn

[FellOnBlackDays]

Bolt,
Keep me posted on this texting thing with your W. As you know, you and I are in the same boat. I've got some douche bag in Canada (over 1200 miles away from where we live) sending my W numerous texts. I found out who he is and found his FaceBook page. According to his page, he too is in a "serious relationship" and he has pictures of a baby on his page. I wonder if his "serious relationship" knows about his EA with my freakin' W???? The part that gives me hope is that he seems to be the one chasing. I got a detailed copy of the phone bill and looked at the charges. Every morning, he is the one to initiate first contact. The first exchange each day between then always starts with one from him to her. I also noticed that on my birthday, he texted her early in the morning, she only replied once and that was it for the whole day. I think she realized she could not carry this EA on while it was birthday even though we were S'ed then and hadn't seen each other for weeks. That give me hope. She still knows right from wrong right now...

It still doesn't change the fact that she changed the cellular bill to electronic billing and then locked me out of the account. The other night when she came over, she already had paperwork to separate our cell phone accounts. And when I brought him up, I got the "friends" B/S again. As a good DB'er, I am not going to bring it up again. But I am very interested in what happens in your sitch. Please keep me posted and hang in there!! You have some good friends here. Stay in touch!

FOBD

[Bolt]

Hey Fell!
She's super upfront about the whole thing and assured me again yesterday (without a prompt at all) that this dude was not her type, has zero attraction BUT is helping her vent and understand the guy's perspective. Thing is, my wife isn't a cheater. She's very respectful (a quality I love about her) and thinks that is unacceptable.

Now I'm sure a bunch (if not most) of you will say, she's essentially cheating by texting another man. Well, hear me out on this. I had an assistant a bunch of years back. She and I went to lunch quite a bit, had dinner some times and spent most of the days together. We even joked that she was my work wife. She was cool, attractive and fun to be around. NOTHING even REMOTELY was close to happening. The thought never entered my mind OR her mind. BUT everyone around us thought for SURE there was an A going on. It was crazy to me because most of the time, we talked about work! The lunches were actually work lunches. Dinner the same. My W and her H had zero problem with it and we all knew each other. Perception is a scary thing.

I guess that's where I'm using the trust thing with my W here. She did with me and my assistant. I can return the favor. I believe her and I trust her. Without those two qualities, I may as well give up.

I'm not doing that.

Fell, let me ask you. Does she ever bring up the fact when she texts the guy? I mean, does she text in front of you and say things like, oh it's Joe again? Or does she hide the fact.

NOW - let me put a slight caveat in there. Don't read into things if she doesn't do that or even looks like she is hiding things. My W keeps her Iphone plugged in under her pillow. For the longest time, I hated it because before it used to be plugged in downstairs. I got super paranoid...what is she hiding? But then I grew up and realized, she simply likes to chat. She does in real life (that's funny to say) too but she just likes to do it online. Once I accepted that, I slept better at night.

Hope that helps in some slight way. I will keep you posted for sure!

[Bolt]

I'm probably too old fashion to be much help to you b/c I don't believe it is appropriate to have more "guy friends" than women, when you are M. But, here's the thing, you've gotten into a place that you can't say very much (effectively)about suspecting an EA, when you've allowed these type of "friendships" with men.

I do believe that the man should be the primary leader of a family. That is not always welcomed by the W....and especially when the R is rocky....and especially if she's in an EA. Your decisions may not prove to always be popular, but you can't base it on trying to be a great pal (which I don't think that's what you're doing), but on what will have best outcome for your family.

Your W is not happy. She's trying to find happiness in other ways except through a MR with you. Perhaps moving back to family in TN would help her at first, but if the MR isn't what it needs to be, at some point she'll be looking for something else to make her happy.

How long at a time would you have to be gone from home? How do the kids feel about moving and changing schools?

My suggestion is that you try to make a decision based on how strong a father, husband, leader, protector, and provider you could be--in either location. If you are the leader that your family needs, then I think your W will either adjust to that....or else she wouldn't be happy with any decision you made. But, that just "old fashion me".

I think that's the cool thing about we humans is that we do have varying ways of how we live and what we feel is right. I totally agree with you on the "guy friends" thing BUT I know a bunch of women who are like that and their husbands are very comfortable with that. It's the insecurity that helps drive them away.

I guess that's where I'm acting as the leader. I want to act as the leader but realize this is a partnership as well. One of the issues that got us into this mess is that my W doesn't feel that she's been a part of the decision making. It's been all me. Well, for a change, it's almost all her. My "leadership" is taking a backseat for a change. All leaders don't have to be the be all end all - that's caused her to push away so much.

Also, I think that W is unhappy too. BUT it's because of the current situation all around. She has been unhappy with my old self for a long time. She doesn't want to be around that old guy any more. There are a lot of things that are associated with where we live now, I feel. A change of venue will help that too. She needs a support system that she hasn't had (me included) for sometime. Moving closer to family will help that immensely.

BELIEVE me. I don't think that by simply moving, things will be perfect. I do think that she will see just how much I've changed by putting family first. Career to me is now fourth on the list. It's God, me, family, career.

I do appreciate the comments too - even if you feel "old fashioned" I like to hear any varied approaches.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Bolt,
I don't know much about her texting habits, because we don't see much of each other. For the record, she has never texted him in front of me or answered a text from him in front of me. Much like you, I think she might still have too much respect for me to do such a thing. You and I both know we shouldn't worry about the EA. We can't stop it or control it. But, no matter what, at the end of the day it is just wrong. If the shoe were on the other foot, my W would be flipping out and crying from the top of her lungs. Funny how when you are the one committing the crime, a person tends to "downplay" the severity of it all. Every spouse on here is doing the same thing. "Oh, he or she is just a friend." "Oh, he or she is just a good listener." "Oh, he or she is helping me with my feelings." Funny, sweetheart, you didn't need your texting buddy three years ago when we were happier than ever?? Funny, you didn't need a texting buddy when we were in Hawaii together two summers ago??? I don't give flying sh*t how they justify it, IT IS WRONG!

But, at the end of the day, it is out of my control. I have vented and I am done for today. Back to DB'ing. Keep us posted, BOLT!

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[Bolt]

Slight update. I'm still relatively new to this DBing so I'm just unsure what to think.

W is heading to OH to visit some HS friends. She missed the 20 year this past summer and regretted it. There are guys but I'm comfortable with the situation and we've even been very playful when discussing it. I completely trust her now - something that about a month ago I wasn't so into. I thought for sure there was OM.

Today D8 was sick so W had to stay home from work. I'm trying to do my own thing but every time I go into the room it seems that W is purposefully trying to reengage me in conversations. I keep trying to leave but she keeps asking questions or making chit chat. I have to admit that I do love it.

I've been going out of my way a bit to be thoughtful. Not necessarily pursuing(I'm sure others would disagree) but just trying to be the man that I want to become - understanding, thoughtful, selfless. Today, I ran to grab somethings for her for the trip tomorrow.

I couldn't find the objects at Target so I had to run around to get them. Honestly, I did them because I wanted to be thoughtful. She was very grateful. Borderline touched because of how out the way (and out my norm) I was. She kissed me - without me asking.

Just another goal achieved. I'm not making anything of it but she still seems to want to have me around when she's packing and getting things ready. It feels good.

Earlier today we even chatted about things. I asked how she was feeling and she was very forthcoming. She said how she was still insecure about a lot of things - didn't mention the R at all. I did ask about it (don't throw things at me:)) and she just said she didn't know.

It's all cool with me but it is weird. We're getting along really well and really communicating a lot. She's even doing things for me like she did in the past and like I said, seems that she wants/likes to be around me.

I'm definitely not reading into things but just want to figure out what to do next. I feel that she is slowly inching back to me and I don't want to push her back any further.

any suggestions?

[Denver_2010]

Don't get me started FOBD! WTF!? If I had been texting OW at any point in my R with my W she would jumped all over it! F...ing p*sses me off to think about tht part of my sitch. uggg!! Sorry for venting here Bolt... FOBD got me fired up for a sec!

[FellOnBlackDays]

Sorry guys. Didn't mean to stir up a hornet's nest. It is just that the OM is still a touchy subject with me. In 15 years, I never cheated on her other than the occasional visit to the gentleman's club for bachelor parties. But I always told her about those visits and when I was going. I have a subscription to Playboy, but we actually read it together. She honestly likes the articles and sometimes we look at the women together and discuss them. I have always read it in front of her and I did it with her permission. I have kept nothing from her, so the OM is just a real problem for me right now that I need to work through. Take care!

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

No worries FOBD. OM is big deal to me too right now... well actually for months. I was kidding more than anything in that last post.

[Harrier]

Don't get me started FOBD! WTF!? If I had been texting OW at any point in my R with my W she would jumped all over it! F...ing p*sses me off to think about tht part of my sitch. uggg!! Sorry for venting here Bolt... FOBD got me fired up for a sec!

So true Denver, Once my wife went crazy on me because I got 1 singlee text from a woman I knew from an online running forum. There was nothing going on as I barely messaged the woman, never called her or texted her. My W told me to de-friend her from Facebook and tell her not to text me.
I did without hesitation.

[tjack45]

"My W told me to de-friend her from Facebook and tell her not to text me. I did without hesitation."

Harrier, I'm not up on your situation, but is you W in an affair? I'll tell you this, My w was in an affair for 8 months, about that time I told her I felt I was over her as much as I could be and I was ready to give love another shot.... One day she was over (when I wasn't home) and found condoms in my drawer. She called me and was irate. I told her you seriously don't expect me to wait around for every do you? (she was back with me within the month) You have to attack Walk aways through emotions..... Jealousy is a STRONG emotion... Losing you is a strong emotion.... Your W tells you to drop someone on facebook and never text someone and you did it? Does she still control your life even though she doesn't want to be with you.... IDK man, do what works.