I failled horribly...

[Denver_2010]

Yeah, I went to the gym on Saturday to play some racquetball with a buddy of mine. I love the gym that I belong to so have made it a goal to begin going again at least 3 or 4 times per week starting tomorrow. I had a couple of appointments the past couple of nights where I couldn't. Of course the gym membership that I pay for is for W, SS and me, so possible that I could see her there. Doubt it though bc she does pilates which costs extra and she told me that she wasn't going to sign up for more bc she can't afford it since she's on her own!

[lostinscared]

FOBD,

I am so sorry that you had a bad day, but it is expected!!! We are human and that is what happens.

I agree with Denver that you do need to prepare. Do you have an idea about what you will do after the movers leave? Is it possible to make plans to go somewhere?

I am so glad that you guys mentioned the dreams. I have them too! It drives me nuts. I feel like my only escape right now is sleep and the dreams rattle me.

Well, I guess we all are off for another day of this. I wish you all peace and hope you have a great day!!!

LIS

[spellfire]

Proud of your progress man. It is okay that you are emotional, just keep it private as you have been doing. Hopefully over time as you adjust to the situation, the highs and lows wont be so dramatic and you will be more emotionally consistent.

Keep it going. Most important point: you are learning how to be a better man, these changes are not a temporary fix. Sometimes it takes a crisis such as this to teach us how to maintain a healthy R.

She is confused. That is actually a good thing in this case I believe. Better confused than resolute.

Keep up the GAL, and yes STOP trying to analyze her (you were correct I would have told you that lol). Monitoring is okay, but look at her behavior, dont try to figure out her throughts and feelings. Its counter-productive.


Regards,
SF

[dixiegal]

So, I saw this thread..It struck me because, male or female WE are on the crap end of it! We love our spouses and are learning all these lessons about ourselves.

My H and I have been seperated for a long time. But, we saw and spoke to each other all the time. Till I blew it and said to him "Why don't you Man up and make a decision already come home or let me go!" I can't forgive myself for saying such a thing. I was just in bed sick and was so frustrated. He ended it for good a few days before Christmas.

I have been a wreck, it's harder for us girls to control our emotions I guess. H has sent via FB msg that he misses me or I miss you more every day what am I doing?

Our 17 yr wedding ann. was Jan 8th. He sent a msg that he was thinking of me. I didnt respond. Not because, I'm so strong or anything. But, because I was a total train wreck!!! I spent the day with his Grandma. Had to keep going in the bathroom to keep my tears private!

So, maybe yall could give me insight from a male perspective? I from a female??

Like yall I'm doing the whole LRT. But, I missed our Dog. So, I emailed him if I could have the Dog for a few days. He called and said yes. Brought the Dog over.

So, now the he is coming tomorrow to pick up the dog. I don't know what to do???? The counselor says to ask him if he would be willing to come see them or attend the retreat for marraiges in crisis next month? But, isnt that a no-no while LRT?

Denver 2010, I think she may be testing the waters to see if your open at all though too. Don't let your anger get the best of you. Like I did...resentment can cause even more damage! Your doing great though!

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Dixie. I really, really, hope that there is some truth to your opinion about my W's thinking right now. I'm not holding my breath though. I'm afraid that I'd suffocate.

I'm not caught up on your entire sitch. I will try to read it tonight and give you some feedback. Hang in there though.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Dixiegal,
Welcome! Yes, I think it would be really helpful for me and my buds to have a female perspective. We have loved having Lost in our group, so another female can't hurt.

From your message, I see you read about my sitch. Kind of crappy, huh? If my W only knew how much I loved her and how much I would change if she would come home, we wouldn't be here.

When she first declared she was leaving, I did it all. Flowers, cards, emails, old wedding photos, everything. The only thing that worked worked were the flowers. About 10 days after she left, I sent her a bouquet with 10 flowers in it. On the card, I wrote, "There is one flower here for every day I have had to live without you." She called me crying when they were delivered. We talked positively about our future and I really thought I was going to turn this thing around. Four weeks later, she told me to go to hell.

So, as I am sure you have read, I have finally gotten an open line of communication to her. So, now what? What would you like to hear from the man you left?

I have been DB'ing my butt off and I was beginning to think it was working. But, today, I got a huge dose of reality slapped right in my face. Out of the blue, she called. When I saw her on the caller ID, I was thrilled. I paused, composed myself and answered. She made two minutes of small talk and immediately turned to asking questions about the logistics of getting her moved this weekend. I think I am being set up. I thought her sudden interest in me was because of the time apart and my GALing and 180. I think I am starting to figure out why she is really calling. She wants her furniture and her remaining stuff. This is the part where I am supposed to say something cool or funny, but I am back in the toilet again. Now I know why she suddenly took an interest in calling me over the past two weeks. She needs access to the house.

I guess I will continue to DB. This is the only choice I have. It is either DB or die in a pool of sadness and pity. Tonight, just for the fun of it, I read some of the success stories in that section of the forum. The first one I read was about a couple reuniting after four months of separation. It was four months last week that she moved out. I guess I won't be so lucky...

Send me your perspective and I will see what I can muster of from a man's perspective for you. This will be fun.

[Denver_2010]

I have been DB'ing my butt off and I was beginning to think it was working. But, today, I got a huge dose of reality slapped right in my face. Out of the blue, she called. When I saw her on the caller ID, I was thrilled. I paused, composed myself and answered. She made two minutes of small talk and immediately turned to asking questions about the logistics of getting her moved this weekend. I think I am being set up. I thought her sudden interest in me was because of the time apart and my GALing and 180. I think I am starting to figure out why she is really calling. She wants her furniture and her remaining stuff. This is the part where I am supposed to say something cool or funny, but I am back in the toilet again. Now I know why she suddenly took an interest in calling me over the past two weeks. She needs access to the house.

FOBD - Alright, so maybe that was the initial motivation for her to take an interest in calling you. But you described the face to face visits as being something like 2 hours long right? Listen man, even if she was just softening you to get her furniture, she didn't have to spend that much time with you. She didn't need to let you brush the tear from her face (if I recall that correctly). You may be right about her initial motivation... neither of us know bc we can't mind read, but these still sound like progress. You didn't think it was going to be that easy did you man!?

Also, there is a long distance EA right? I didn't recall reading that in your actual thread, but think that I saw something over on Bolts thread about some dbag that your W is TMing and that you found him on FB. Is that right? I hate to be blunt about this, but as long as that is going on, you have an uphill battle. A battle that CAN be won, but it just isn't going to be as easy as you'd like it to be.

Remember your own words man... the only easy day is yesterday! Keep working... You're doing great!

BITS!!!!!
Denver

[FellOnBlackDays]

You see, this is why I come here. Denver, you are my boy!!! You are right. She didn't have to stay for two hours on two different occasions. She could have gotten what she wanted in 30 minutes and left. Since I am DB'ing, I would have been cool with her whether she was here 10 minutes or 10 hours. Dang it! Why can't I ever see the forest for the trees???

Yes, I do believe there is an EA going on via texting. But, I try not to think about that too much. Can't stop it, can't control it, shouldn't worry about it, right! Besides, he is 1200 miles away and I am going to spend the whole day with her on Saturday. My relationship with her: 15 years. His: three months via texting. Good luck, Canadian!!!

Thanks, Denver! Someday I hope we can meet in Denver and let our wives get to know each other.

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

You see, this is why I come here. Denver, you are my boy!!! You are right. She didn't have to stay for two hours on two different occasions. She could have gotten what she wanted in 30 minutes and left. Since I am DB'ing, I would have been cool with her whether she was here 10 minutes or 10 hours. Dang it! Why can't I ever see the forest for the trees???

Yes, I do believe there is an EA going on via texting. But, I try not to think about that too much. Can't stop it, can't control it, shouldn't worry about it, right! Besides, he is 1200 miles away and I am going to spend the whole day with her on Saturday. My relationship with her: 15 years. His: three months via texting. Good luck, Canadian!!!

Thanks, Denver! Someday I hope we can meet in Denver and let our wives get to know each other.

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

Me too man... me too.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Spellfire,
Yep, I ordered a copy of Hold on to Your N.U.T.s off of Amazon two nights ago and can't wait for it to arrive. I could not find it locally. None the less, I am looking forward to reading it.

As for your thoughts on her confusion, you are correct. I have had numerous folks, both professional and amateur, tell me that if she is showing signs of confusion, I should be happy. That means that she doesn't really know what she wants including whether or not we are really finished. I gave my MC some exact quotes from her. He smiled. He stated, "C, your wife is not trying to convince you that these statements are true. She is actually trying to convince herself..." He is very good.

One good sign I did get last week was her confession that her mother is out of line and upsetting her. I suspected for a long time that my MIL was putting gas on the fire, but I had no proof. Well, now I do and it was straight from the horse's mouth. I was very happy to see my W confide in me again. That is an act of someone who still trusts and loves me. If she was finished, she was never confide in me as I would be the enemy. Frankly, right now, I don't think she knows who to turn to. So, I will remain right here for when she needs a "friend."

Take care, buddy!

B.I.T.S.

FOBD