Well I'd say I did pretty well under the circumstances. I did some no no's but overall things were positive. First let me set the scene, I have grown a beard since she last saw me and I know she liked it. She commented positively on it twice. I had a new shirt on which she liked and said so. I made brownies (W loves 'em) and the house looked great.
Ok, W said that she knows I love her and that she loves me. That was never in question. BUT, 1) too much has happened that she can't get past, 2) we have similar personalities that clash and create a tense atmosphere, 3) she wants children and though she knows I would "take one for the team" that's not right, and 4) she wouldn't want to raise a child in said "tense atmosphere". She said all the things I thought she would say. "I can't do this anymore", "I can't be married to you anymore". So I said, say the words, YOU WANT A DIVORCE. She did and flubbed the D word the first time and so I questioned her again and she repeated I want a D. She said it appeared thing were getting better on the surface or that changes really were being made by me and she just didn't care. That was the most hurtful thing said.
Now throughout this I was in control of my emotions but for one brief moment, I validated what she was saying, I made her laugh, at times I hugged her and she hugged me back, I kissed her forehead and she seamed to lean into me. She kept telling me she was sorry and didn't want to hurt me. I said she didn't have to apologize and that everything was going to be OK. She said, "I'm not sure it's going to be OK" to which I said that if she had doubts that she should slow things down, go to lunch with me next week. She shook her head and said no. Why did she keep telling me "sorry" even though I'm telling her not to and that things will be Ok? She said she hasn't filed yet but she will and that we should talk in a few days.
I told her I really did want kids. I said I've been planning on it and that it's no tactic or lie to get her back. She looked wounded or skeptical when I said that. IDK? Also she was annoyed with me when I asked her if she found a father for this kid she wants to have. She said no. I didn't pose this question to see if she was having an affair, I asked her several questions and the point was to show her that she hasn't really thought things out. That was the only really bad thing I did.
She left with some brownies, a snow globe my mother had bought for her, and a box with her personal things including pics of me, her wedding bouquet, and a book that I bought her when we first became friends before dating. She commented twice, once early and once upon leaving, on the letter I left for her. She said thank you for the beautiful letter. After she left I text her a joke and got some back and forth texting like I haven't had in nearly three months. So tell me, can I save this marriage?
She obviously is not swayed by things you are doing or saying, such as the changes you have made or your readiness to have kids. So you must back off, I'd say entirely. Let her contact you to do any more talking. Sounds like there is at least a speck of doubt in her mind about all this, that things will not be OK if she does go thru with this. So I would let her stew on that for as long as possible. If you avoid communicating with her, there is a much better CHANCE that she will get to second guessing this. You need to hope she wonders what you're thinking and what you're doing when you're not communicating with her.
All that said, that can't really be your mindframe while you're away from her either. You need to do your best to gain a positive, independent mindframe here. You can't hold your breath waiting for her to second guess things, you just have to hope she will. The GAL'ing really is paramount here.
One more thing, if you feel the urge to puruse her, ask yourself why you feel that urge. You know you shouldn't, but it's hard to resist doing things like writing her letters and asking her to lunch. I posted this to someone else a short while ago...let's absurdly say they discontinued paper and you couldn't write her a letter. You'd still want to, right? You have to understand what causes you that urge to pursue her, and eliminate at it at this juncture of things.
As always, I wish you well.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
It's funny. I'm not entirely sure why she did this but when I was away on business last week and she checked in on the house, she turned the heat down to 66 deg. That is normally where she would put it. I mean she hasn't lived there in over two months and she is going to divorce me and she still turned the heat down. Go figure. I was really upset today about the state of things. That combined with a few glasses of whiskey prompted me to give her a short text about the thermostat. I got no reply. I am going to stop initiating contact I guess. Thanks Grocerykartman for sticking with my post and to all others for their advice.
So as I've posted earlier my W and I talked/saw each other for the first time in over two months last week and she said she was going to file for D. Now I got an email from her yesterday afternoon saying that she would like to talk about "things" next week. "Things" means division of assets and the like. I have yet to be served and so she may do it at that time also. How do I approach this conversation? What sorts of things do I say? What don't I say? She says she loves me and is being cordial so I ask all of you, should I EVER tell her what a mistake she is making and how she has not thought things out very well? Plead my case? At this point I'm just trying to be a friend and not pressure her.
Me 35 W 31 No Kids Married 7 1/2 Together 12 Separated 11/10/10
I'm on your side. But I'm going to play devil's advocate with you here. Why do you think she's making a mistake? Pretend I'm her for a second.
1. Why am I making a mistake by leaving you?
2. What do you mean I haven't thought this through? I've done a lot of thinking and its just that, I am certain I don't want to be married to you anymore. Too much has happened. I live with my negative friend now. Don't need to continue on here.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Telling her she is making a mistake I think might just aggravate the situation. What do I know I am here with you guys. I would say be nice and cordial. How would she expect you would react? When i told my W (after a blew up about the D and a few days had passed) that I respected her decisions about the D and appreciated her honesty in telling me her tune became much nicer. You want to create doubt but not by confronting.
To Gman and 2step...Thanks. My mother told me the other day that my W has surely thought of things. I believe she has but she is basing her decisions on lies. I am getting a bit better about detaching and am thinking of acting as if I am moving on. In many ways I really am moving on so this shouldn't come across as an act.
I snapped yesterday. I text the W a bunch calling her every dirty name and let her know just how cowardly she's been. I even called her a few times but I don't remember what I said. I just couldn't take it anymore. This agony is constant and it won't go away. I have done so much for her over the years and have conducted myself with honor through this whole thing and she and her mother have been playing me. Oh yeah, I told her what I thought of her mother also. It's been three months and I finally snapped. I don't know what to do now. I guess I give up. I have to protect myself.
So after this texting fiasco I sent an apology email the next day. The W replied stating that she understands how I would feel hurt and angry and that she is sorry for hurting me.
The next day I sent her a friendly text and she responded she would call me the following eve to discuss business. When she called the following day it started out with small talk and then got into some business matters. Then I poured my heart out. I told her that getting a D is a mistake. I told her I know what a fool I've been and apologized. I said that I believe I know her concerns/fears and that everything can be remedied. I told her I really did want to have kids and had been making a bunch of plans that I wanted to discuss with her. I told her that she/we are a statistic and layed out every detail of how our sitch is cookie cutter. I told her we were better than that. I said tons but never got angry or accusitory. I was a little emotional at times.
Doing/saying all of this is a 180 from what I had been doing. I told her I don't drug, beat her, or cheat on her. She said, " What about the 10 month thing (EA)?" I told her that it was a b****ing session only, that I never f***ed anybody! I asked her to slow things down and don't rush to D.
She was choked up a bit and said all this was making her stomach hurt. She said a couple of times that it was a lot to absorb and think about and that she had to get off the phone now. She said that she would call me Thurs or Fri.
I don't want to get my hopes up but I know this woman still loves me and doesn't WANT to get D. She feels she HAS TO. Of course for bogus reasons IMO. I keep thinking she is going to call me back and say it was a great speech but she's going through with D. Any thoughts? I think I'll set up an appointment with a DB couselor.
