Thanks Cold. We do seem to be in similar situations. The mind-reading and over analyzing everything is a real no-no. Never leads to anything productive in terms of mindset.
I am like you, I was a very impatient, grumpy and self centered person in the past. I will continue to do nice things because I never want to go back to being that person that I was up until 14 months ago. I am also going to wait this out and let her get over the OM. There is no way that I am going to be the one that initiates the end our family.
It is a long drawn out process that one day will come to an end. What that ending is, I don't know. She just called me at work a few minutes ok to see what was going on and to tell me that she bought me a small gift at lunch time! It wasn't much, but the fact that she actually thought of me and took the time to buy it is very positive. This is not a straight line process and I am sure that there will be lots of back and forth along the way.
I have my feelings of the situation being hopeless as well but I have moved on past the sobbing, nothing comes out anymore. I have said it on previous posts, the longer this goes on, the more I will become like her, emotionally detached from her and the relationship. Unlike her though, I will never turn my back on her or my family.
Great small step, Punchy. Now don't be overzealous with it. One day at a time. Keep reminding yourself that it takes a long time to heal - a long time to change - especially since we (all of us guys here) have been one person for so long.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Good advice. I didn't over react to the gift. I simply thanked her for it and said that it was nice of her to do that. Wife called me at work a couple of times today to talk about kid stuff, but thats fine. In the past she wouldn't call me at all so that is another positive sign.
I reciprocated by taking off work early today to pick up the kids after school so that she could stay late at work. She seemed to be very appreciative of that. OM is away on vacation so I wasn't concerned that anything was going on.
Focus for the rest of the week is to be upbeat, positive and helpful. OM is away until next week so I want to take advantage of the situation. I need to continue demonstrating to my family that I am a changed person and that the other version of me will never come back.
My kids have bought into the new me. Just to need to get the wife on board.
dude, that is AWESOME! Keep it up. It sounds like your on the path. Remember, that path is super long! Don't stray and DON'T have any expectations from W. Your kids are already seeing and feeling the change. She will, if you stay the course.
That's inspiring, Punchy. It really is.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Thanks Bolt! I really appeciate your support and vote of confidence. This is a very long path and I need to keep that it mind.
Today I had to fight off the urge to ask my wife about the status of the OM. Not sure why, but I was really fixated on this today and really wanted to confront my wife about what is happening. Also had the urge to call up the OM and confront him about what was/is going on.
I got home from work and was able to refocus. This is a difficult journey and one where you have to stay focused. Thanks for confirming for me that although this is a difficult path, I am on the right on.
man, I KNOW how difficult it is to ask about anything. Just remember, she's probably digging this new man you are. If you "check in" it may push her back a bit. Simply try to enjoy it.
It's killing me to not know how she feels about me but you know what? I can wait because it will be much better down the road.
Stay on that train!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I agree, the longer we wait before checking in, the better things will be down the road as we continue to improve and grow each day.
In addition, I think that I am finally starting to detach. Each day I am less and less concerned about what she is up to with respect to the OM, what she is thinking and what she is doing. I am finally beginning to accept that she is already gone.
Whether she comes back or not is up to her to decide. Me forcing the issue on making her decide between the OM or me is not going to help my situation. I don't want to be in the position where I have to listen to her defend him. She did this after I confronted her about the EA, and I questioned his character re being involved with a married women. Its bad enough knowing your wife has feelings for another man, hearing your wife defend his character is even more difficult to stomach.
I am committed to staying for the benefit of my kids. Knowing that this is my decision, it has become easier to deal with the pain. I feel that I am absorbing all of this pain so that my kids do not have to. It gives me a sense of purpose and focus that takes the issue away from my previous fixation on my wife and what she is doing/thinking. I am actually starting to function as a human being again and do not think about my wife 24/7.
It took a long time and was a painful journey to get to this place, but regardless of the outcome I think it is worth it. 20 years from now, if I am still around, I don't want to look back and see that I did not give everything I had to try and save our marriage.
Its been a pretty good last couple of days for me emotionally. The detaching seems to be a bit easier each day. At work I don"t think I thought about my wife for more than 10 minutes. Back in december when I found out about the EA, all I could think about was her and the OM.
I keep trying to do nice things for my wife. Got up early and went and got her a coffee from Starbuck's before she got up for work. After work I took my kids to their sporting events and let the wife stay home and relax. I enjoy doing this as it gives me a chance to connect with my kids and work on becoming a more patient and giving person.
The other day I was putting some stuff away in our house and I found the Book "The Love Dare" hidden away. I am not sure if my wife bought it or if someone gave it to her. It looks like it was never read. Anyways, I decided to start following it, although I have changed the time frame from 40 days to 40 weeks. I really can"t see my wife changing her position in only a 40 day period so I am giving myself more time!
Maybe its a sign, or fate that I came across the book. Anyways, I don't think it can hurt and I think it will help me to continue to become a better person.
Called the wife late yesterday afternoon to chat about after work activities re the kids etc. Wife said she couldn't talk because she was under a time crunch to get a report submitted.
Found out later that although she didn't have time to talk with me, she did have time to go out for coffee (just prior to me calling)with the OM. This is difficult to take on a couple of fronts:
1) The fact that she continues to see the OM 2) No update from her as to the status of our relationship 3) She makes time for the OM even when she doesn't have the time
I would like to confront her on this, but am not sure what the impact would be. Is this the quick path to divorce? Should I just hang back and hope that their flame dies out?
When I initially confronted her about the EA, she told me that she was not going to have any contact with the OM until she made up her mind as to whether she was going to stay or leave. Either she lied, (very likely) or she has made up her mind and has not told me.
Any advice on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated.
Called the wife late yesterday afternoon to chat about after work activities re the kids etc. Wife said she couldn't talk because she was under a time crunch to get a report submitted.
Found out later that although she didn't have time to talk with me, she did have time to go out for coffee (just prior to me calling)with the OM. This is difficult to take on a couple of fronts:
1) The fact that she continues to see the OM 2) No update from her as to the status of our relationship 3) She makes time for the OM even when she doesn't have the time
I would like to confront her on this, but am not sure what the impact would be. Is this the quick path to divorce? Should I just hang back and hope that their flame dies out?
When I initially confronted her about the EA, she told me that she was not going to have any contact with the OM until she made up her mind as to whether she was going to stay or leave. Either she lied, (very likely) or she has made up her mind and has not told me.
Any advice on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated.
Man, I'm sorry to hear that Punchy. When she told you that she wouldn't have contact with OM while she made up her mind to stay or leave, was that in response to a solid boundary that you put into place? In other words, did you tell her that there would be any consequences if she did have contact?
If yes, you have to enforce the consequences now. IMO.
If not, you have the 2 choices that I was struggling with a couple of weeks ago. 1) the hard line approach, or 2) the wait and see approach. I chose the 'wait and see', and it seems that I am having very positive results right now.
If you continue to choose the 'wait and see' approach, you need to continue to 180 and GAL. As my DB Coach told me, BE the better man, the better option.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
