Thinking the SSM is both our faults

[Young at Heart]

Good for you in working to find happiness through dancing and singing. My heart goes out to you. Celebrate life, as it is worth enjoying.

I want to assure you of something. First, I feel that in a SSM both partners own the problem it is absolutely not a problem that one has. Let me repeat that in a different way. You aren't the sole problem and getting just you "fixed" isn't going to cure the problem that you have as a couple.

What I tried to say to you was how I would approach my spouse in a way that made them think I was taking responsibility for the problem so they would be more likely to work on a "joint" solution. You are not the problem and I hope you didn't get that from my post or if you did, I apologize as I didn't intend that to be the message.

Since you have tried what I suggested already, not sure what to offer, so I will revert to what worked for me.

I found that the Chapman book the Five Languages of Love, Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight, John Gottman's the Seven Principals for Making a Marriage Work, and MWD's the SSM really helped me figure things out (NMMNG also was important for me but you are a woman so probably don't need that book). These books gave me the tools to understand what I was feeling and what some of the problems were in my marriage.

I was able with the help of these books figure out some ways to make my wife feel loved by my doing multiple things for her everyday in her languages of love so that she started to feel loved again. That partially allowed her to let go of her anger toward me and offered her space to start to physcially and emotionally heal and offer me the love that I had needed.

Once that happened, she felt like less of a failure and things in our relationship started to improve. With the help of our sex therapist, she also knew that I would divorce her if she could never find it in her heart to actively love me again. She know that I would not stay in an SSM. Our sex therapist also helped us learn to touch each other again and communicate physically and helped us learn to laugh and play together. Our insurance did not cover the sex therapist, but it was the best money we ever spent, far better than a vacation or home improvement.

The changes in me and how I treated her let my wife make the choice as to what would happen. Ultimately she decided that she would prefer to stay married and that she would need to make changes in her life, while I was making changes in mine, if we were to stay married.

I am sure this approach will not work for everyone, but you may try to not give up and keep trying to make your husband feel loved; even if there are problems with providing him physcial love and trusting him. You can also tell him that the two of you deserve, as you have said to him, "a wodnerful sex life."

Part of the MWD Nike, "just do it" concept (I believe) is to use sex to reestablish mutual physical communication and show love for your partner. I feel that Sue Johnson explains why we need touch and how powerful physcial communication really is between people. Touch is my primary language of love and a SSM was living hell for me. I realize that sex and touch are very different, but when there is frequent sex there is usually frequent touching. If there isn't sex, then there should at least be touching.

If you can talk your husband into it, try giving him a massage a few times a week or see if the two of you can practice sensate focus therapy exercises together. You may have to dream up an excuse to set it up so it can happen, but I would urge you to try it anyway. Most good sized cities have places where you can take classes in giving massage and you can sign up for it and ask to practice on your husband. He may even grow use to the stress relief. My providing my wife with a weekly foot massage cause emotions to rise within her that she had not felt in years. Our sex therapist negotiated very limited sensate focus exercises for us to reestablish physcial communications.

I am not sure about one of your comments. Alcohol is a very powerful drug and one that can cause sexual performance problems in men who drink too much. It can also lead to a host of liver problems that can be life threatening. Be careful.

Good luck and I hope you find happiness even if it starts by just singing and dancing.