I've been reading here for the last 4 months. Here's my story. I'm sorry if it's long I don't really know how to explain it briefly. It's such a mess.
Been together with husband for 10 years. Married only 18 months ago. He's 46, I'm 34. His second marriage, plus he has a daughter from a previous relationship. His daughter does not live here in the UK, her mum is Italian and she lives with her. I'm from Germany but moved to the UK with him 6 years ago (he is English).
So our set up is English, Italian, German. A bit complicated when you also take into consideration that his freelance work takes him abroad quite a lot. So his life/ our lives / our relationship meant 'juggling' trips to Italy (mostly for him to see his daughter, sometimes we managed to go together), or for me to Germany, family visiting, work, etc etc.
Hard work sometimes but fun. I was happy. He was happy. Most of the time! (As in any relationship). Yes, I think I can honestly say I was very happy. Blissfully happy. Particularily after we got married, I thought I had it all. The man I love by my side. Forever. ;-)
When we got married, I turned into a 'stepmum' for his daughter, of course. Didn't really see myself as that, simply because I only got to see her on average twice a year. My relationship to her is good, but I would probably call it a friendship more than 'motherhood' (I mean this in a good way). When we get the chance to hang out, we go shopping or watch a movie, but obviously most of that time is 'dad' time, as he doesn't see her often enough. So I stepped back sometimes. Wasn't really sure what my 'role' was, but thought I did ok. It wasn't always easy but I managed. I should explain a bit more. There were times when I felt 'jealousy' towards her, rightly or wrongly. i.e. when we got married she was with us for 2 weeks before the wedding and 1 week after. I guess I found that a bit hard. I just wanted to be with him, on our own. At least after the wedding. As I said, rightly or wrongly. I have been questioning myself and my feelings for months now.
I met her for the first time when she was 8. She is now 18. (Turned 18 in August). And as I said she never lived with us.
Anyway. So we live our lives and juggled. I came off the pill 6 months ago. We had always talked about having children (a first for me). We put the house on the market 1. September 2010, made plans to buy a bigger house with an extra bedroom for a child. The 4th house in 10 years. We like DIY ;-)
I keep an email from him from August that says "I know we are crazy but I wouldn't want it any other way. Love you. x"
He went to Italy for business and to see his daughter at the beginning of September. We had one big argument on the phone as he changed all his plans from one day to the next - he had promised to be back on Friday, I had made 2 dinner plans with friends of ours (all couples) for the weekend, which I had to cancel last minute as he just didn't turn up. He re-organised his weekend to see his daughter. That wasn't the problem, what made me furious was the fact that I got 2 hours notice (he would normally give me a week or so) and I was left with no plans for the weekend. Plus I missed him of course, hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks. So one big row, lots of shouting.
He comes back on the Monday and gives me the speech. It's all too much for him. He doesn't know how to 'compromise' anymore. We want different things. What if his daughter has children one day? What with us having children too. How will he manage. What with me being at home with a baby and he wants to go to Italy. The pressure I put him under.
Packed his toothbrush and left to stay with his mum. 22. September. Hasn't been home since.
What followed was probably 6 weeks where I was just in shock. I didnt' know what to do. He was just gone. We saw each other maybe 3 times, every time he shouted at me and blamed me for everything that had gone wrong. Words that stuck were i.e. "I've lost out on time with my daughter and its ALL YOUR FAULT" - "I want to be a free man again like I was 10 years ago" "I am tired of compromising" -
I had never ever seen him like that. Never seen him that angry. I was scared.
My gut reaction was looking for the answers within myself. What had I done wrong? Was I such a horrible person? It must all be my fault. I went through weeks with no sleep. I emailed him, apologizing. Trying to fix things. Making suggestions how to make it all better. Asking him what he wanted. More apologizing.
He didn't reply. When I heard from him he was angry.
Weeks passed and he calmed down a bit. I was still waiting for him to just turn up again. He started saying things like 'I want our life back' ' how could it get this far'
I was hopeful. I gave him space. I went on a holiday on my own. Still, every text message or email from him was like a puzzle. I just didn't understand what he was saying. He wasn't the man I married. He wasn't even the man I knew 2 months ago.
In the last 4 months he has probably gone to Italy to see his daughter 5 or 6 times. She is now 18. He taught her how to drive. He spends more time with her and with her family (his "Ex" Family). This is, how he puts it, what he wants - "to be a bigger part in her life and with her family" .
I should say he is definitely NOT back with his Ex. She's in a new relationship. But, funnily enough, in the last months she has turned from 'The b!tch i never want to see again" to "The mother of my child and a good friend"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is - am I kidding myself in thinking this might be MLC? The anger, the shouting, - he's also started going to the gym like a mad man, started buying new clothes (has hardly picked anything up from home) and I feel like he's trying to make up for 'lost' time with his daughter.
I should add he's had some financial trouble recently, too.
We only got married 18 months ago and it feels like he's - forgotten. He doesn't want to be a husband anymore, he wants to be a dad to his daughter. Obviously, because of the distance, and time and money he must have found it difficult some time to 'compromise' between the two 'lives' but... he now says 'my daughter is my number 1 priority in life' and I feel he thinks he needs to give up his marriage to ... be able to have a relationship to his daughter in the way he wants it. Which to me is, kind of... weird as I can't see how he can compare the two.
I'm really sorry I hope this all makes sense. This is only a tiny bit of the whole big story. I am just so confused. Looking for help. I know I have to go through this all by myself but I just thought maybe writing it down might help.
Needless to say, my life has been taken away from me like a rug under my feet. I'm sure you all know how that feels.
