Am I piecing ? Just can't tell 3...

[hope2011]

I don't think you seem arrogant or conceited... I think you see like a man hurting, desperately wanting to put his marriage back together but afraid of getting hurt again. Seems pretty human to me.

I think Bond has some points about reading the book to her. And yes, probably should skip the ML chapter for now.

[MrBond]

You definitely aren't conceited or anything. You're just looking for answers but the only one with them is your W.

Have you asked her what makes her feel safe? What makes her feel comfortable? Since she's the one hurting, you need to go at her pace. She's probably doing alot of those things because she feels it's what she needs to do for you. But she needs to do what she wants to do for herself.

Have you thought of going to Retrouvaille or some other experienced based marriage program? Trying something different is a great way to change your attitude and break that negative thought patterns.

It also might help your W to know that she's not the only one who might have negative thoughts about the M.

[Sad_but_happy]

"She's probably doing alot of those things because she feels it's what she needs to do for you. But she needs to do what she wants to do for herself."

And thats my fear Bond. But what can I do? She got the first book, "Surrendering to Marriage". She says she likes that I read to her. Last night she asked me to read the chapter on a mans need for sex. I always make sure she brings up the reading. I told her we could skip the chapter on a mans needs if she felt uncomfortable but she said no. That she needed to know what I needed.

Not sure what to do. I think I will have a better understanding when I go home on Thursday and see how the evening goes.

Mind reading is awful. I just called W cause my phone showed that she called. When I called she said that she dialed by accident (it probably made me look needy to call back an hour later). She said dinner was going bad (she was in a hurry cause she had tons to do with the kids) and she had to go almost right away. So then the mind races. At the same time I could hear all the comotion in the background.

Maybe it is good that it is stressful with the kids all alone. She has a much lower tollerance for stress than I do so it might make her think twice about leaving and having to parent all alone.

I can't help but think that if I played hard ball, and told her that I'M NOT SURE and I FEEL DISRESPECTED and I NEED TIME TO THINK that she would panic about having to find a full time job and parent alone and do everything on her own. I would never do this unless I was in LRT while she still lived at the house but man oh man I just wonder what her reaction would be. I think complete and utter panic but I'm not willing to take the chance. What if she said "sounds good to me"... Remember, these are just thoughts. I have NO PLANS on doing this. Just sharing.

Anyway, just some of my thoughts...

[Sad_but_happy]

Update on phone call that W hurried off the phone. She just sent a text saying she was sorry that she had to hurry off the phone and explained why. That's why mind reading is usless. But it is sooooo hard not letting your mind race.

[Sad_but_happy]

^^^^^^

[hope2011]

I'm doing the mind racing thing too and my H is out of town today so I understand where you are.

LRT doing that would be a big mistake. She'd think all you've done has been fake, all your changes weren't real and she'll run. She's trying to find a place where she's not hurting, feels loved, sees happiness on the horizon. If you flip her world upside down, she'll never feel comfortable with you again. She may run to you at first but that won't last. You're too far for that. She's snuggling with you, talking to you, reading with you, wants to know your needs too... you've worked this hard to lure her back so don't cut the line. Not unless you want her to swim away and find someone who she doesn't have a bad history with, who won't hurt her, who won't make her vulnerable and then leave her. You're not in a situation where you're in LRT at all. Knock those thoughts out of your head.

You need to step back and pat yourself on the back for all you've accomplished so far and look at the positives.

[MrBond]

Have you covered the "Her Needs" section? If so, have you asked her about how the things in the book might pertain to her?

Again, what about Retrovaille or some other program?

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi Bond... The book is divided into one chapter HER needs and one chapter HIS needs and contiues to go back and forth. The first HER needs chapter was on affection. It IS a need for her and it was a good read but unless she wants ME to give the attention, it's hard for her to fully communicate. I will tell you that after we read, she seems upbeat and we discussed a bit.

I think we are in a situation where W does not want to leave the mariage but at the same time does not completely have those "in love" feelings. She used to complain to me that I did not "dream" with her. That's true! She would be looking forward to the future and I was always happy in the present. I now understand how much this hurt her. As I have said before, she has always searched for happiness. Rarely completely happy in the moment. She knows this and really wishes happiness was easier for her.

As for Retrovaille, I'm afraid to bring it up. That would be talking about R. I know what your thinking, we are reading books about R. But to me, the books allow the discussion of R indirectly. We don't discuss R but we are reading about how to improve R. I love this because we are discussing R without discussing R. Make sense?

Honestly, it is harder for me know where we stand lately because we have not seen each other for 6 days due to work. I have to go away for two days the end of next week too which stinks but I gotta work...

Anyway, do you think I need Retrovaille when things seem to be going well?

You know, when I think about my sitch, I feel I am getting closer to letting her go without a fight if that's what she chooses. It will be hard but I can't imagine any harder then if she decided to choose OM.

I know I can be happy without her if it comes to that. Maybe I am detaching some. Not from HER but from the fear of losing her. I think that's the goal. Detach from the fear, not the W.

Anyway, we did not read last night but we talked for over an hour. Nothing about R. In fact, we have talked for over an hour on several occasions... That has to mean someting cause who talks to their W for over an hour when you've been together for 21 years? Maybe this is a sign we are getting to know one another again. Don't know.

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi Hope,

Thanks for the kind words. You are right. I would not do LRT right now. But for some reason, I feel it COULD be the fast track to reconciliation.

Hit them right back with that 2x4... But I'm not ready to back that up nor is she really giving me reason to be hard on her.

She lost feelings for me. She's human and it happens. S_it, I lost feelings for her too.

So I will continue to Piece. Can't wait to see her tomorrow.

Quick question, when I see her should I hug her or kiss her or anything? We are getting along well and I have always been the affectionate one. If I don't hug she might thing I am starting to detach and I don't want her to think that.

[Sad_but_happy]

My last post till later tonight... Cocktail hour since the sales meeting is over and I go home tomorrow... Big bash!!! Gonna have a good time!!!



A question for the women DB'ers and Sandi.

I read in "His Needs, Her Needs" that women that detach from an A or OM and become closer to their H rarely ever want to cheat again or go back to OM. It says that as long as they are getting their needs met that they can be completely satisfied and content.

WHILE MEN ON THE OTHER HAND...

Will or in many cases do/can return to the OW or another A even if they are getting their needs met because they MISS that conquest.


Can any of you women confirm or deny this from your perspective?