DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support.

[ScaredinCanada]

Just about to head out to the gym, but wanted to say Thanks Habit.

I just don't get it, how they can be sooooooo negative...

Like I said, I really hope she comes around but I'm honestly at a point where I could take it or leave it.

I'm not going to leave (I know that is her dream right now) because then she could say it was my choice.

The best part with the R talk is about 5 minutes into it she says "Uh, I wanted to goto bed early and now I'm staying up late" to which I replied "I was planning to go straight to bed, but you wanted to talk?!" I sweat this happens everytime she wants to talk.

[habitacker]

Your welcome, but I really don't know what for. I need to thank you, this is my medicine also.

I am on here to learn, all I am doing is passing on advice I have gotten on here, and maybe share my do and dont's that have happened in my sitch.

I have said before that my sitch seems to be going nowhere, no R talk or anything like that, which is fine for now I suppose. I actually kind of feel like I am using you and others on this site. There isn't much action in my sitch so I guess I am learning from everyone else's triumphs and failures so I am ready when and if my day comes.

I should be thanking you.


About your post about your last talk with W. You said she initiated the R talk, who did most of the talking after that? I am not accusing you of anything, I just wanted to bring it up so you could take a look at it for yourself.

Remember, when we get into a R talk, we need to listen, and let them know they are being heard. The last sentence of your 3rd,4th, and 7th paragraph all ended in her telling you how she feels, did you validate that you understood her feelings to show her that you were listening.

It is hard enough for us to shut up and listen, but then we need to show them that we listened.

I am not saying I see anything you did wrong, I just want you to look at the conversation you had and make sure you are doing what you have learned. Maybe take another look at that last post MrBond made about your last talk with your W. Just as a refresher. See if you see any pursuing in your last talk, maybe with the physical affection part? You might not see pursuing in that, but does she?

[habitacker]

Sorry, never mind about that MrBond post, I must have been thinking of something different.

How the heck do you take quotes from other peoples posts and put them into yours? It sure would make things easier if I knew how to do that.

[Bolt]

Just about to head out to the gym, but wanted to say Thanks Habit.

I just don't get it, how they can be sooooooo negative...

SIC - me neither BUT you may have to realize that she's been feeling like this for a very long time and she's tired. I know my W is like that. I feel that no matter what I do, she's waiting for me to screw up.

BUT I have to say, I totally understand.

Try to look at things from her perspective is all I can say. If she's felt like this for so long, why would she think suddenly things will change forever. She doesn't believe it. She needs to see the changes over time.

The good news is she hasn't left yet. I would say that's a huge positive. KEEP staying the changed man without wondering why she is so negative. Realize she is going to be that way, possibly for a long time. It's attrition, my friend, if the relationship is worth it.

[Bolt]

[quote=habitacker] On a side note, I have to mention how surprised I am at how many people on here seem to have a deep connection to God? Does that really help you guys? SIC

Sorry if I messed up who quoted what but I believe my faith has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. I get to lay down my problems before God and let him deal with it. Easier said than done? Oh yeah! I'm human after all...

BUT - since W and are going to church and involved in a study group, she has been growing quite a bit as well. I have daily. It also allows me to keep the faith that things, with a TON of hard work and patience, will work out for the best.

[ScaredinCanada]

Hey Habit, I'm just thanking your for talking to me. Helping me to relate and cope. This place helps me so much and although I value the experts, the people that help most are people like yourself that are going through similar sitchs.

I don't really think I'm pursuing although I guess it could be perceived that way. I'm doing my best to validate what she says when she brings up R talk - but I just find she quickly recalls only negative experiences...even the sex stuff just upset me. I love her, and I've only ever had sex with HER, nobody else. I made mention of that again last night and she automatically took it as me bashing and not forgiving her for cheating on me when we were engaged.

It really [censored], I don't want my M to end - but I am prepared emotionally for that to happen.

Just need to stick it out, continue to be a good listener, stay focused on my changes.

It's been insane this week with 3-4 people everyday commenting on how much weight I've lost or how good I look. Feels good, I just wish I could share the joy with my W.

[Bolt]

Remember, when we get into a R talk, we need to listen, and let them know they are being heard. The last sentence of your 3rd,4th, and 7th paragraph all ended in her telling you how she feels, did you validate that you understood her feelings to show her that you were listening.

It is hard enough for us to shut up and listen, but then we need to show them that we listened.

Excellent advice! That is the biggest thing we dudes have to learn. Fixers are we! Not in this case, says she. The best thing I do is say things like, "I understand how you feel," or "that [censored]!", or "man, I'm sorry that happened." I've realized they just need to vent and let it go. They are NOT looking for a solution.

Another thing about listening? It shows thoughtfulness. It shows that we are really interested in what they are saying AND meaning. That last part is hard for us. Maybe it's our hard heads or something...This idea of thoughtfulness is probably something that has been missing in your R for some time. AND you probably weren't even aware of it.

I know it was with mine. Being thoughtful will make you a more attractive partner too. If not for your W, for someone else in the future...I hate to think of that thought but it is a possible reality...

[angel61]

Yes, thats what they call either the WAS diet, the MLC diet or the D diet. Works so well. I lost 37 lbs already. Everybody keeps commenting - lost 10 years, looking good, gorgeous, sexy, etc.

Doesn't seem to work to attract H though..... too bad!!!! I think he barely looks at me anymore.

[Denver_2010]

Hey Scared. Just want to give you a couple of thoughts on your convo with your W last night. First, let me say that it sounds like you are doing a really good job of working towards detachment. Better than me in that area I suspect.

Now maybe a little criticism? I think that Habit is right. I think that much of what you are doing in the past few days is pursuing. This convo last night included. It's not pursuing bc you are telling them that you miss them, or that you want to have sex with them... it IS pursuing bc you are putting pressure on them. What kind of pressure? Every time you ask them how they feel about you, do they miss being physical in M, do they love you, has it been hard to be distant or cold towards you, you REMIND THEM how they don't want to be with you.

Look at your convo last night. You asked her if it had been hard for her to treat you the way that she has. What did she say? She sometimes but not usually bc she doesn't want to be M to you. You asked her about sex with you, and how did she respond? She told you that she doesn't want to be physical with you and hasn't for a while. You questioning her on these things isn't going to change how she feels. You are looking for validation for YOURSELF when you ask these questions. You want a particular answer. You wanted her to say "yes of course it's been hard to treat you the way that I have". You wanted her to say, "of course I miss the hugging, the kissing, the ML". All you did was let her mind organize her present thoughts about how she feels about you to be able to vocalize an answer to you. Remember, the more that we think and say things, the more we begin to believe them. So we don't want to remind our W's how they feel about us right now. They are doing plenty of that themselves. We want to give our W's something else to think about so that those thoughts fade away. Thus 180's and GAL.

Also, I'm not sure that your answer to your W's question about whether you had gone on a date was good or not. In all honesty, I'm pretty sure that I would have answered it exactly the same way that you did. Especially if I hadn't planned my answer ahead of time. In fact, I think that I did answer a similar question in a similar fashion with my W right before xmas.

But thinking about it, I MAY have answered it a bit differently though. Mainly to throw a little fuel on what is clearly her curiosity. I may have considered telling W that bc we are separated and bc we are not working on our M, that I don't feel comfortable answering those types of questions from her right now. If she pressed, I might have elaborated by saying that "I am behaving like a married man, which I am." and left it at that.

Maybe others can weigh in here on how the question that Scared's wife posed to him last night after he went out?

[ScaredinCanada]

Yes, thats what they call either the WAS diet, the MLC diet or the D diet. Works so well. I lost 37 lbs already. Everybody keeps commenting - lost 10 years, looking good, gorgeous, sexy, etc.

Doesn't seem to work to attract H though..... too bad!!!! I think he barely looks at me anymore.

Ya people tell me I look 5 years younger, since I've lost 40lbs. I've just been so focused. No fast food, junk food, no eating late, healthy lunch everyday at work. Gym at least 4 days a week and hockey at least once a week.

I just wish my W thought I looked good.