18 Years of Marriage - Leaving in June

[habitacker]

Sandi, great advice as usual.

Scared2Def, I would like to prepare you for what I think is going to happen, just because it happens to me.

What happened last night was great, but are you prepared for that night,after night, after night, without any expectations?

This is the way my sitch has been for over 4 months. It will get really frustrating when you are not seeing results. The positive feelings you have today will be gone tomorrow when you don't see anything happening. You have to be prepared for this, and the only thing I know of to do about it is have PATIENCE.

If tonight or tomorrow night is the same as last night or worse, you will get frustrated. This will go on for a long,long time.

I did this for the first 2 months, it drove me crazy to the point I couldn't stand it anymore so I went to my W with R talk. BIG MISTAKE. If you do this, be prepared to hear the worst. This is why we are told so many times to let the WAW come to us when they are ready for R talk.

I just want you to know, that just by going to my W this one time, after 2 months, destroyed the whole 2 months worth of work and put me in a bigger hole than I started in.

I struggle with this everyday. I go back and forth in my mind everyday about this approach I am taking, because I am sorry to say, it isn't working, but I do not see any other option. I have done it with instincts, and went backwards, at least now things seem to be holding steady.

Anyway, this struggling with this that I am having, I think you are going to have also, I guarantee it. This I believe is one of the reasons everyone tells us to detach.

Don't ask me how to detach, because I don't think I am doing a very good job of it, but I do believe I have done it enough to keep myself from running to my W on those bad days. Maybe I am just faking detaching at this moment, but maybe that is a start. Her actions still effect me big time, but I am not letting that effect the way I react with her. If this makes any sense.

My main point is, that in the future, tonight,tomorrow,next week, whenever, you are going to get frustrated because of no progress,I guarantee it, and it will feel like you are being tortured. It will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do in your life. When this comes, what are you going to do to handle it?

[Scared2Def]

Habit, you are awesome..... I do understand that frustration will set it for sure. I am going to try and deal as it comes and I just will hope others mistakes and unfortunate experiences help me

Can anyone give me advice as to how much to bring up during marriage counseling sessions? After today's meeting, the counselor asked should and when should we schedule the next appointment and wife jumped right in when he said a date. That was kind of refreshing. Not high hopes just seeing a positive in the middle of all these negatives.

[habitacker]

I have no thoughts for you on that one, my W will not go to MC.

[zengypsy]

Sandi,

This is great advice for all of us right now especially me! Thanks so much!

Ditto for me. WOW!

[Scared2Def]

So sorry Habit... I can only give my remedial advice and say change, make changes as much as you can do and just hang tough.

[Scared2Def]

Stuck to my plan last night. Wife went to pick up son from youth center and I chilled at home with my daughter. Wife and son got home around 7pm and the kids went to bed at their normal 8ish time. Wife and I just chilled out watching some tv, some normal conversations, no relationship talk.

This morning I got a very friendly "Good Morning" when I came downstairs and here I now sit at work.

Todays plan, do the same thing.

[Scared2Def]

Well, wife picked me up from work, I got in the car asked her how her day was, she said she is exhausted. She spent the day at her friends house then took kid to eye appointment.

Anyway, I asked her one other time while driving home and she just re stated she was very tired and she did not sleep well. I asked if she took her sleeping pills and she told me she had not taken them for some time. So I suggested trying that tonight. Got home, I went and pet the dog, chatted with kids for a second then took a warm shower. Now I am up here in attic on the computer while my son is gaming online.

After this post I am heading downstairs to charge my iTouch and chill in the living room on the laptop. Maybe play some poker online. But my evening goal is no relationship talk and hopefully not initiate conversation at all, I am going to see what she is willing to strike up.

Wish me luck!

[Scared2Def]

well this evening we watched a movie, not much chatter, then she just went up to take a bath. No relationship talk but I am really shaking because I just need a hug.

[wanda15]

I have been reading you forum here and really can't give you much advice. But I can send you a great big HUG!!!You seem yo be DBing well. Just keep it up.

[Scared2Def]

Last night we watched the movie Easy A with Emma Stone. Very good movie, sorta romantic comedy in alot of parts and that always makes me mushy inside. I was so wanting to talk about our relationship last night but I held it back. After our movie she took a bath and I ended up falling asleep in bed before she got out.

So this morning was ok, She did not say good morning to me and that made me decide to not say it either, in hopes she would break the silence. To her benefit, she was kind of frustrated because we had snow last night and she HATES snow. LOL.

So this morning she was not pissy or anything toward me. So my goal is to stay focused today on goals and just make another good evening.