some people will probably be shocked to see me back here... and I will only say that I was kindof skulking around, read your sitch, got kindof pissed and wanted to give my two cents.
cut him loose. get on with your life. don't let him know that you have an open door for him, but keep one open if that is what you want to do. his text to you was friggin infuriating. what is he. a 15 year old girl? to say not to date but understands but hang in there for me girl! what a load. he is a cake eating MF. you need to force his hand. this is a poker game. I will tell you my story and I will say that I have been reluctant to come back here for fear of "jinxing" the progress I have made but I think my realization is that there is no "cure" you are never "there" its all a work in progress... I will be "divorce busting" for the rest of my life... I just hope its more positive like "marriage building".
you can go back and read all the craziness. but here it is in short:
I spent 13 years post college going to medical school, doing a general surgery residency then a cardiothoracic fellowship. I met the person who I thought was the love of my life (still do) in medical school, we married a month before starting 9 years of hellish training. had two beautiful twin boys in 2002. finally finished my training, took dream job and then everything went to absolute s$&t. my wife left, took the boys 4 hours from me for what was a "year" to chase a "dream opportunity". I was now alone in a town in job that turned out to be a nightmare. my new partners were basically trying to ruin me, I was not doing any cases, and my skills were waning and thus my professional life was also terrible. I spent the fall of last year in a terrible fog. I lost 20 pounds and spent my weekends not on call driving 8 hours to see my boys. my wife had a male friend there that I found she was texting back and forth literally thousands of times a day. I was completely heartbroken, lost. I spent a lot of time on this site, got lots of 2x4s upside the head from Jack, Fig, Cat... lots of support from Bworl, Mach, Eric... was at a major crossroads in my life last winter and spring. I was going to abandon a career that I had spent my life learning to do-- be a heart surgeon. what many people here I think could not quite grasp was this was not just a job. it was a part of who I was--it was what I did. but still I wanted to be with my boys. eventually on the day I was going to move to this other town (where she was not working) to take a huge pay cut and do something that was going to be miserable for me one of my partners quit-- opening the way for me here to continue to try and be a heart surgeon. I decided that I would stay and do what I was meant to do and fight for my boys. at that point I just wanted my boys in the same town where I worked. I actually sued my wife for custody (really she had somewhat abducted my kids to some degree. she was starting to make it hard for me to see them. I was the sole bread winner and I wanted the boys to be living where I worked). I mentally moved on. I got strong. I made new friends. Started going bowling. I took my boys on a vacation to the beach. I finally realized that I could have a happy life without her, though it was not ideal. It was a the life of a healed amputee. but I was sleeping, gaining weight back, and I had some hope. A number of things happened though all at once and it was all pretty remarkable. I passed my cardiothoracic boards-- somehow. This solidified my job as a heart surgeon. the other a##hole partner quit leaving me as the now busiest heart surgeon in town. my wife agreed to move back down. I had to spend thousands of dollars on movers and fixing her car but I got my boys back into town with me. I put her in my house and rented a small apartment. I put no pressure on her. I told her that I would support her in this town-- that I just wanted my boys in my life. I will say one important thing here was that I had a lawsuit against her... which eventually I dropped. I had been supporting her life away from me monetarily but by the end of spring I stopped. I made things very uncomfortable for her. But this was all because I was focused on getting my boys back into the same town as me. After she moved back down here we started spending more and more time together. Things were getting better all the time and we decided to all move in together. that was back in august. i rented a place that had a carriage house that I could live in if things didn't work out. Well its 6 months later and we are still together. I see my boys every day and put them to bed at night. to say its a vast improvement from last year is an understatement. Last year was a nightmare. Every day is like a dream now. Work is good and life is good. I made a lot of changes within myself. I am much more attentive to my wife and my family. I am not critical. I try to be levelheaded and kind. I am much more social. I have many more friends than I ever did. I no longer take anything for granted. Are things perfect with us? No. but it seems better all the time. we are committed to communicating with one and other the things that bother us. dustups no longer turn into huge fights... I have learned she's got a lot of baggage from her childhood, her relationships with her parents and her father... never feeling loved for who she is and in fact still has doubts that real love can exist but I'm trying to show her. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent which is upsetting to me but I'm just trying to be patient as she says she has a lot of things that she is working out. All I will say is that we sleep in the same bed and most nights she falls asleep with her head on my chest. That would not have happened last year so I'll take it as progress.
my boys do not seem affected by any of it and they were just young enough I think that it will just be one of those weird memories that one day they will ask me about...
I did get a very good lawyer who helped me through this process. there were a number of crazy dates at the courthouse where she said she was going to move back, then did for a week and then bolted. I thought I had dropped the case (but he didn't) things like that.
So I would not say "Divorce Busted!". I don't think that I will ever say that, since as long as two people are both alive I think that nothing is ever guaranteed... a relationship between two people is like a fragile little plant- not a weed that can grown through anything unconditionally. love is not, as the story said, never having to say you are sorry. I don't know what it is. I know I love my wife though. I'm in love with her too. I know she loves me. Not sure yet if she is in love with me but my sense is she is working out a number of issues still and all I can do is continue to love her and show her what true love is and maybe some day she'll come around and want to jump my bones in bed again. oh yea we take showers together now too which is something we never did before.
so that's my story. I want you to read through the lines and perhaps see that it is important to do the impossible-- detach, and by doing that I think it is important to detach your happiness away from the concept that this person is the only one who can give it to you. but I think more importantly, if you ever want the person back, they need to feel what it is like to lose you. they need to FEEL YOUR DETATCHMENT. You need to do something to shake up the limbo. I'm not saying he will come back.. but I'm pretty sure he's going to keep messing with your head as long as he knows he's got you as a backup plan. its incredidbly insulting to you and disrespectful. if he knows your door is open then he knows he can cake eat all day and THAT SHOULD NOT STAND! just like John Goodman said in the Big Lebowski.
It angers me. for you. and I don't even know you. but I know you, you know?
and finally-- hello to all you peeps out there again. thank you for all you did to help me through my terrible time.
