The Rollercoaster Ride......

[AntoniaB]

A couple of things...your hobbies, first. I am still having trouble with my hobbies and I'm 7 1/2 months along! I do cross stitch and it was a HUGE part of my life for 20 years or more. I was very productive. I've really lost my mojo with that, though. I think it is because it isn't something that occupies my mind--just my fingers--and so I watch movies all the time instead of stitching. If you can get back into scrapbooking, good for you! I don't know what my problem is but I have hundreds of projects half done and not even started that just sit here.

Your first paragraph sounds really good. Your second paragraph is on fear. On the first point, if he were going to choose to stay with OW mainly on the grounds that she was "there" and he assumed you were "not" because of your lack of contact, then he's not worth being with right now, if that makes sense. That's a terribly shallow reason that doesn't show any understanding of what you've "been there for" for all your marriage and even now post-bomb. If you start to have contact to try to show you "care", it will likely end up being detrimental to your progress. I get what you're saying--many times I did a letter or something to my stbxh saying "look I love you but I can't stay in contact because it's painful to me, but if you end that affair, I'm willing to work with you." Then time would pass and I'd think "oh no, I better remind him of this again." All that was just rationalizations I made to have contact because even bad contact was contact.

I also fear I won't be able to love someone else. But what I can tell you is that the longer I am post-bomb, the more I am seeing the dysfunction in my H. I really put him on a pedestal. NO MAN ON EARTH was better than him. But you know what? That's not true. There are plenty of men who don't run from their problems or cheat on their wives. The more that I gain strength, the more he falls from the god-like position I gave him. And the more that happens, the more that I think yes, I'll always love him SO much, but I can see that it is possible now that I might love someone else.

I mean, I have no trouble finding a space in my heart to love friends and family that I wasn't close to before. So it stands to reason that I can find that space to love another man some day if that's what's in store for me.

Financially, I was terrified. Things have worked out ok. It's a struggle. But a lot of friends told me that we fear this part a lot because it's yet another thing we can't control, but it's more in our control than we think--sometimes. Try not to let that bother you. Just start trimming expenses where you can.

I fear my H's affair will never end too, but if that's the case, then he is deciding that he'd rather have a broken relationship built on lies than a whole relationship built on love and work, and if that's the case, he's no good to me. I'd say the same is true for you.

I think that your faith is going to help you tremendously here in facing these fears. It may be that you and he will be brought back together whole, but it may be that your pathway is opening to a better life than you would have had with him.