DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support.

[ScaredinCanada]

So yesterday I called my C to cancel my appointment this week as there is a conflict with my W's schedule. Told her in the message that I was disappointed with her seeing my W and me both, and that some of the things she said to my W were very disappointing especially when I told her about DB and MWD, and that I truly believe that my W can change regardless of her current feelings.

I went out last night and bought myself some clothes, grabbed some dinner and sat and relaxed having a coffee. I was missing being home with the kids and the W. Going out by myself is really not enjoyable, it just gives me more time to think about what's wrong with my life.

When I got back my W was in bed, but she immediately started R talk, asking me if I "went out on a date" to which I told her "Of course not". She started talking about finances and how we could sell the house and both walk-away with some cash in our pockets. I basically just told her that I wasn't ready to talk about. We talked a little bit about the fact that she's completely shut me out, and I asked her if it's been hard to treat me the way she has...and she said it has been a times but that doesn't want to be with me so it's usually pretty easy.

She again was complaining about the past, about last year when I didn't get her a birthday card. I told her again that I cannot change the past but that I won't try and make excuses for the mistakes I made or thoughtless actions I took. I told her it's no longer the person I am, that I am continuing to change and that I hoped eventually she would believe it. She said she still doesn't trust that the changes are for real - but she does see them.

It's D5's birthday today so we are all going out for a family dinner. We haven't gone out as a family since Christmas so it should be good for the kids and interested for me and W.

I can still see hope when I talk to her, she is really struggling with what she's going through emotionally. When we talk I can just see it on her sleeve.

I asked her whether she missed the physical contact such hus, kisses and holding hands (I intentionally left out sex). So she says of course I miss it, but I don't have any desire to be physical with you now anyways. She said she hasn't wanted to have sex with me in years, she only did it because I would bug her or she felt like it was her "job".

I told her every guy bugs for sex, because they never feel like they get enough. She said she loves sex, and that if loved me she likely want to have sex more often (I believe this is BS, because she has rarely initiated sex throughout our relationship).

Enough for now. Back to work, back to the gym and back to being strong and confident.