Deju vu, but new to the online forum...round 2

[mj144]

Miserable.

I sense that my M is done. I dont get anything from her that would indicate anything to me otherwise. I think that I get to a point where I am starting to be OK with things and then it blows up.

I may just be hyper-sensitive right now until I get a job since everything is so up in the air. I have a pretty good feeling about possibly getting an offer on Friday, though.

I don't know if I really screwed things up by moving out.

I can't figure out one damn thing to do to get any kind of positive reaction out of her right now. I just cannot find it in me to detach from her even though I moved out to do so. Maybe that will change when I get a new job.

I think that I am being positive towards her, but it seems like anything we discuss sets her off on the defensive. We were discussing my MIL and her taking the kids away for spring break and I end up feeling like no matter what I do, I am either the bad guy, unreasonable, or the doormat by agreeing to whatever she wants. We initially started the discussion last night when she brought the trip up(she told me of her intentions about a month ago to take them). Since my MIL is the one making the plans, my W didn't know the exact dates. I asked to let me kinow before they booked anything as I might like to have a day or two with them during the break. It was agreed. Now today, the trip is apparently Monday to Monday, the whole break. I simply restated my stance on maybe wanting a couple days and that put her immediately on the defensive saying that I will be in a new job and have no vacation and how in the past I would never take days off to spend with the kids because of work. I tried to defend myself, I guess not in quite the DB manner, but I didn't quite know how to validate such BS when she starts using words like always and never.

Then the conversation heads towards my living situation and how it is a financial strain on things since I don't have a job and income. This leads me to reaffirm with her about the fact that she agreed to slow things down, but then stated that the only thing keeping her from going to mediation was me not working.

I thought nthat I was dropping the rope and we hadn't had any R conversations, but frankly, my head is spinning right now. I don't know how this manages to happen. I asked her to let the separation go for a while and she reasserted the fact in so many words that her mind is not changing.

She then tells me that she is taking her name off of the joint Visa we have.

I also noticed that she had removed another picture of the two of us from our honeymoon from the wall, although there are still other pictures of me and us in the house(for now)

I'm kinda freaking right now. I meet with a new IC tomorrow morning so maybe she can help get me grounded again, however, since I know her from my DBT class which she runs with another C, I know she is convinced that my M is over. Maybe I need her to convince me of that, too so I can detach and maybe I will then have some sort of fighting chance?

Not feeling very confident right now.

Schedules are so screwed up right now with me out of work. Picking the kids up in the AM and taking them to school. Picking them up at school and not having them go to aftercare because of trying to save the money, scheduling interviews. Having 1 night a week where the W stays out so I can spend with the kids. Every other weekend moving back to the house and W leaves so I can spend with the kids.

Now that I think about it, with my living arrangements, I have misjudged the whole scenario. Thinking out loud here...I get a job, I live in a place where the kids can't stay on a regular basis, now I am getting bsck on my feet, why would the W agree to continue with leaving the house every other weekend and staying out 1 night a week for me to spend time with the kids at the house when if she wants the D and is going to keep the house, why not move forward so that I am forced into different living arrangements where I can take the kids every other week as we had discussed? I made this arrangement thinking the temporary set up bought me time. Now I am thinking it will speed things up.

Now that I have written the longest most scatterbrained post that I don't even know if I understand, I am going to go to bed and wallow in my mire. Tomorrow has got to be better. I have 3 interviews I need to gear up for.