Having a really hard time...

[Queen_of_Swords]

What next...I have an observation that might be valuable to you. You wife commenting on the fact that you criticized the way she rollerskates indicates to me, that in her subconcious mind she believes she is valued for what she does, not who she is.
Her own value to herself is in the doing not in just being. My guess is that's how she got affirmation, praise and attention as a child, along with a lot of criticism and perfectionism. Her self esteem is really in the toilet.

You can turn that around, it will take months, and perhaps if you're DB'ing right now it may have to wait until after you're reconciled.